Great question. I think she is more lost than ever. I put down a retainer of $3000. She put down $6500 on her retainer on my credit card( I will be disputing that charge...) I told her I will give her $3,000 not $6500. We are going to use a new type of law called Collabrative law. The two attorney's and my wife and I sit in a room and hash it out vs. in front of a judge. Supposed to be more of a mediatory route. The hard part is that she is starting the whole spending thing as well. $270 at Sac's 5th Ave this weekend. Trying not to cancel the credit card, however, she is making it hard not to do it. I realize she will just lose it and try to take me for more money. Trying to keep it as friendly as possible.
I have told her she can stop this at anytime. She has not and at this point I think her pride won't let her stop it. I am still ok with the decision a week later. However, she told her nephew(he is 28 and we were both close with him) that I have a girlfriend. So he calls me friday night to ask, I said do you really have to ask. I didn't say one negative thing about her(I do realize blood is thicker than water). However, he said that he is really disappointed in who she is today.
Regardless, to answer your question no changes in her yet. I am feeling better and better about my decision, I can see her drifting into a deeper and deeper fog. I have tried for 8 months to save her and save the marriage. Nothing more I can do. She has made her choices and now she has to live with them. I can't and won't be stepped on again. This isn't a pride "guy" thing. It is about saving myself so I can be there for my sons...
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
@Thinker: I have recently been getting annoyed with the pop culture that we are immersed in. In particular, the constantly expressed views on relationships.
Well now -- there's pop culture and then there's pop culture...
"I don't want to have to TRAIN anyone on how to be loving"
You are so right about the pop culture. The movies & romantic novels have a lot of adults thinking they missed out b/c it isn't that way in their R. Women blame men b/c they read where men just "know" what to do. Men blame women for not telling them and expecting them to read minds. It's really sad, isn't it?
Maybe that is why romantic comedies don't do much for me anymore. Seems like when you've seen one.....you can predict what's going to happen ten minutes into the movie with all the others.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just struggling along - pretty happy most days, but definitely stuck deep in limbo.
Mrs. T is cycling between distant/distracted and angry/biter. Her mom's decline is consuming her, and for the most part I am either staying away from her or pushing back when she gets too over the top.
Most of the time we are just moving forward, living separate and parallel lives, caring for our kids and getting ready for Christmas.
I admit that I am having challenges simultaneously being supportive and loving to a w who really needs it (although she can neither reciprocate nor be thankful) and maintaining my separation and detachment at the same time.
It's clear to me that what I am doing now - staying stable, supportive, loving, understanding - is not going to cause my w to look into herself or change her mind about the R. She isn't leaving - not walking away - but she isn't committed to or working on the R either. But this is the decision I have made for now.
I am open to any advice any of you might have on how to simultaneously DB and support a spouse who is grieving.
Sooner or later I won't be able to continue, but I'm not there yet. (Close, but not yet)
In the mean time I am overall happy. I am meeting with new IC's to find a new person to work with - feel like the old one wasn't helping much. I met on yesterday who I think would be great.
Hope you are all enjoying the holiday season.
- Thinker
Last edited by Thinker; 12/18/0907:58 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I know you aren't ready yet. Somehow I reached this crossroads before you. My mantra is that you have to save yourself before you can save your kids. I have saved myself. I am no longer in limbo. I told you that I finally filed and am moving things along. I can tell you it feels good. I can go to my grave knowing I gave it everything. She will be the one living with the guilt of never really trying. Live with the guilt of hurting our sons with her decisions.
Anyway, I got there by her just stepping way past the boundaries I set in my mind. The anger or lack of respect just turned a switch in my head that made me ready. I have told my wife to stop blaming me for her lot in life. I don't control you never have. Told her she needs to look in the mirror now and own this situation that she created. I am done laying down for her...
My whole focus now is about getting ready to be a single dad for the kids. Reading books on how to help my sons cope with the loss. She is not doing as well. I can see she is still a mess inside. She will tell me different however.
Regardless, there will come a point--and that switch will turn in your head. I would be great if it worked out. That was what brought us all here in the first place....
Just remember, once you save yourself, then you can be there 100% for your kids as they get through this process if it comes to that for you...I don't think anyone can really save themselves until they tell their spouse, no more--I'm done.
Good Luck.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
Hang in there. I really admire you for hanging in due to your MIL's health issue. But, at a certain point (as you recognize) you will have had enough. And that doesn't make you a bad person.
Life in Limboland is completely dependent on your perspective and your attitude.
Several months ago I thought I could get out of Limboland and was trying desperately to do so. Limboland was making me miserable.
Now I have decided that I am going to stay where I am (due to MIL's sitch) and just enjoy life. Interestingly enough, once I DECIDED that I was staying FOR MY OWN REASONS, I stopped feeling unhappy and desperate to get out.
Tomorrow she may go or she may stay. I may go or I may stay.
That's something to deal with tomorrow.
Today it just doesn't matter.
Life is good!
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
