The continuing saga of P ...

[bluerain]

P17, I think that as long as there is currently an OM involved, going dark, is for you and your well-being and peace.

Re-up your dbing efforts, she doesnt get to be better at it than you! lol

[P17]

I hope your IM says bullocks to that. IM does not snoop. IM is IM.

Haven't asked her yet Maybe I won't ...

From what I have seen from other forums (marriagebuilders and survivinginfidelity) it is totally normal for WS to get to a point where they stop trying to communicate with NC. Most of the time it is temporary.

I was going to say I hope so but I'm not so sure. I'm actually more curious as to why she isn't following the script and pulling closer.

Think about it--she is ticked off about your NC. Totally not expecting that of you. She is immersing herself with OM. Totally to be expected, NC or not, but NC makes it easier. This is where they get their emotional needs completely met but OP but after awhile, they realize that OP can't give them what they had with you.

That's the bit I have trouble with. That's more of a 'keep the faith' thing. Who knows maybe she will get all her EN's met by OP. From what I know I can't see it, but I don't know him too well. I just know stories, rumours and hearsay and we all know how reliable that stuff is.

As I said before I believe W is so desperate she will actually cling onto this guy for dear life so I may be a long time waiting.

Also, although it FEELS like it has been forever, you have been NC what..4 weeks? Maybe 5? So in the big picture, this is a pretty short time.

No, you get me wrong there newmama. I know it's been like a grain of sand in the time it is likely to take. I was just curious as to why she is going so dark on me and whether it was normal.

I bet you 1000000 pounds that she will contact you again! Seriously!

Right guys, you all heard that. That's SIX zeroes there. Newmama will owe me a million pounds. Of course she will need to contact me about SOMETHING, so you kind of will always win

And as for people telling you to move on and that she has...been there done that. These same friends have told me recently that they now think there is hope and that they just want me to be happy no matter what. Think about what DR says- our friends and family just want us to stop hurting.

That's what I keep telling others! Sometimes it's easier to give advice than take it. There is one person in particular who keeps doing this and it is really p*ssing me off to be honest. No matter what I say, they keep slipping in the 'moving on' part somewhere. I know they do it because they care but I will move on at my own pace and in my own damn time.

So continue with NC which you are doing "famously well" and EXPECT this kind of reaction from her.

To be honest, I actually expected this reaction way before now. It did surprise me that she contacted me 4 times in the first 3 weeks. As you say, and as I think, she is ticked off just now for a few reasons (not getting her xmas stuff, my mum passing and probably not telling her, my mum passing and her not knowing what to do, NC, contact cut from step-D etc.) so she could just be cutting off contact because of that.

P17, I think that as long as there is currently an OM involved, going dark, is for you and your well-being and peace.

Thanks bluerain for adding to my thread. I've been watching yours and admiring how far you've come down the road and how strong you are!

NC has been the best thing I have done so far for me. Really has been.

Re-up your dbing efforts, she doesnt get to be better at it than you! lol

I know!

What DB efforts can I do while under NC though - GAL is about it!

[chatterbug]

I doubt she is out DBing you. She is living her life. Plus what do you care? You are incontrol of the relationship between you two now.

Plan B.

Remove yourself from guessing what she is up to. You know all you need to know. Commiting adultery.

Living the dream life of the adultery fantasy. There lives are nothing short of a fantasy. Everyone loves the fact they are "in love" and have found their "soulmate". Each other is meeting their emotional needs. Without even having to second guess each other because they can just read each others lives. They have no real consequences. Everyone loves the fact they are "in love"

Dollars to donuts.

As Col. Potter would say.

Horse Cocky

[chatterbug]

A friend of mine sent this website out about detaching.

Its a great site. Well worth the read.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Oh yea... That was you.

[P17]

I doubt she is out DBing you. She is living her life. Plus what do you care? You are incontrol of the relationship between you two now.

You're right. Sometimes we slip. I backslid a little. I did it here though.

I did, at least, not look at the FB pages. I suppose that is something.

Plan B.
Remove yourself from guessing what she is up to. You know all you need to know. Commiting adultery.

And also not care what she is up to. I wasn't really concerned with that (or I would have looked at the pics etc.). All I wanted to know was a) why did she go NC on me b) the coincidence thing about the pages being open to everyone.

I actually wanted to be told, again if I'm honest, that I was getting to them. That would have given me self-confidence, power and a bigger feeling of control. Actually what she was up to I didn't care about.

That's if, (and I'll say it again), I'm honest.

As Col. Potter would say.

Horse Cocky

I like Col. Potter's style ... is this the Col. from MASH?

A friend of mine sent this website out about detaching.
Its a great site. Well worth the read.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/
Oh yea... That was you.

In my defence I did say I was better at giving advice than taking it.

We all need a reminder once in a while to keep us grounded. Thanks for the 2x4 cutter. It's appreciated.

Basically, I think what you all are saying is that while the A is going on, there is actually little for me to do with regards to the M or the relationship. It's all about me and D. When / if the A breaks down, then things may change.

[chatterbug]

If the affair breaks down! You will hopefully have worked on your issues in life. Made yourself stronger and learned about boundaries and 180'd yourself. You are now in a position to set boundaries and goals for your life. You now can choose to start a relationship with someone. Not because you need to be with someone. But because you choose to be with someone. Set the bar high. That person needs to be at least your equal. If they are not then your better off alone. And you can deal with being alone as well. Because only you can bring yourself happiness. Also just think of the rolemodel you will set with your daughter. A strong father who understands boundaries. Who achieves goals. Works hard. Learns. Adapts. Lives.


P.S. You help us get there as well.

[bluerain]

Thanks P17, its been a long road, but Im proud of where I have ended up. Of course, my ex is miserable, so that helps too! lol

No, you get me wrong there newmama. I know it's been like a grain of sand in the time it is likely to take. I was just curious as to why she is going so dark on me and whether it was normal.

I dont think that shes necessarily "going dark". I think that shes ignoring your existence and enjoying the guilt free pursuit of her affair. If she doesnt have to talk to you, then she doesnt have to feel bad about the lousy things that shes doing.

[P17]

Thanks P17, its been a long road, but Im proud of where I have ended up. Of course, my ex is miserable, so that helps too! lol

Every cloud and all that

I dont think that shes necessarily "going dark". I think that shes ignoring your existence and enjoying the guilt free pursuit of her affair. If she doesnt have to talk to you, then she doesnt have to feel bad about the lousy things that shes doing.

Hmmm. Not what I wanted to hear but hey, that's not why I'm here The last thing I think any of us want to hear is her having a great time with the OP and they have forgotten or ignoring us.

On the other hand, just because she is ignoring me and her guilt, doesn't mean it goes. Guilt needs to be released and dealt with by forgiving yourself. Ignoring it will make it worse when it's finally released. At least that's my take on it.

Then again, once more I may just be looking for a spin on things that isn't really there.

[bluerain]

Its not about you... no, no, no, its about her being selfish and path of least resistance and on and on. She doesnt want to have these unpleasant emotions, so shes just going to ignore them, and the associated baggage. It might not even be that shes enjoying the OP that much, shes just enjoying not having to feel guilty!

It also means that shes not processing these things, when her affair does fail, there will be even more fallout for her.

[Day by Day]

Don't know if I read it here, but just like WAS was detaching way before we found out about the A, while they are in the A, we are working our butts off improving ourselves and GAL, that when they wake up, we will be far beyond them in healing.