A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Letter to my H

I put this in writing because I know how he thinks. He reads, he processes, he mulls over. This takes awhile. With the holidays in full swing, it's hard to get time (eye roll) to talk about this, but I want it out and I want it explicit as we continue to move forward. I also want it in writing to combat the he said/she said stuff I alluded to a few posts up. Ain't no way he can say I never said when it's in writing.

Comments welcome!
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Hey, there!

In the most recent discussion we had, I really heard and understood how frustrating it was for you when I wasn't able to articulate clearly what I wanted or why I was unhappy. To that end, I'd like to lay out as clearly as I can what I want and need in terms of time with you.

1) On a pretty much daily basis, I'd like to spend 10 - 30 mins in light, casual conversation. "How was your day? Let me tell you this funny story, etc." You've been really REALLY good about this, doing it around the time you get home or right around Nick's bedtime before you go off to do other things. For me, this is maintenance level. I need the ongoing connection with you. Missing a day won't throw me into a tailspin, and when we're both extremely busy, I'll understand if it gets a bit spotty. It also doesn't have to be particularly romantic - I just want to feel connected.

2) Once or twice a week - an in-house date night, such as a movie, playing a computer game together, etc. What we do isn't all that important. What's important is that it's just the two of us and we're interacting. When things are good between us, a movie is absolutely great. If we're having trouble or we've been too busy to have time for each other, sometimes watching a movie leaves me a little cold because it doesn't leave much room for talking. Talking during movies bothers you, so if we're having trouble with each other and we watch a movie in silence, it leaves me feeling unconnected. I need the verbal intimacy - the talking. On these nights, I want some romance and cuddling, too. We do pretty good with this, though recent busy-ness has made it difficult. I do miss our movie nights!

3) Once or twice a month - a date night out of the house, just you and me. Dinner, a movie, walking around State Street, maybe going to a party at someone's house, going to the theatre, a long walk on the beach if it's warm, wine tasting, etc. Definitely romantic. Doesn't have to be expensive. Again, what we do is far less important to me than spending romantic time focused on each other and interacting with each other. Conversation is very important. If we did this twice a month, I'd be happy to alternate who pays.

4) A couple of times a year - If we can swing it, an overnight or weekend get-away. Hopefully just the two of us, but the three of us is ok sometimes, too. Camping, Montana de Oro, Disneyland, a short cruise, etc. If it's just the two of us, lots and lots of romantic time and lovemaking!

5) Once a year - if we can. Either a family or a just-us special vacation. A cruise. Several days at a hotel or resort. A week-long camping trip. For me, it's important to get away from the time and attention sinks inherent in being at home. Computers, chores, work - all of these take time and attention away from each other.

When you spend time with me, I feel important to you. When you spend time with me, it tells me you love me and want to be around me. On the flip side, when you spend time on a lot of other projects but very little with me, I feel like all of those things are more important, more interesting and more attractive to you than I am. I feel like that thing you do because you have to, not because you want to, or I feel like I'm only good enough for leftover scraps, not the good, solid awake hours. I want you to have friends, hobbies and to do fun things you enjoy. That's healthy and important for you. But I also want to feel like *I'm* important, too.

I'm not going to be checking these things off on a calendar or anything silly like that. Mostly, I wanted to communicate this as clearly as possible because spending time with me is probably the number one thing you can do to ensure that I feel loved, cherished, valued and desired in this relationship. Also, please hear this, too - I love you, and I want to spend as much time with you as I can.

Please let me know what you think. This isn't a gripey, 'you're neglecting me' email. This is a 'this is what would really make me happy' email so that it's clear, out in the open and actionable.

*hugs!*

Dia