very well said. i am trying to put this advice into action myself. The part about the wife thinking the man doesn't want to get back with her IS a concern of Mine. I know i must try to dismiss that idea. Hard though!
Thanks Sandy, it means alot that you typed your fingers to the bone....I hear you and i am trying to do what you have said....The thing is, we have been divorced for a little over a year.....I have definitely gone out and sowed my wild oates and she knows about most of it....we live in a very small town.....This time last year I think that really bothered her, but now I think she is used to it......
I have made a decision to not date right now because I dated a lady that was wonderful, but since I still had feelings for my ex was not able to be what she wanted.....I will not do that to anyone else....
I went over to ex's house a minute ago to take her a check....She was out in the front yard when I drove up....We talked a minute about my mom that has cancer....They have always been close and she wanted an update....I told her I had to go, but she said why don't you come in for a minute......I did and we talked for awhile and then I said I had things to do.....I went to the back of the house to say bye to my son and then told her bye.....She hugged me and thanked me for the check and for listening to all of her problems today and that was it....
Sandi, you were almost a WAW and you know way more than I do.....The thing is, we are already divorced and she knows alot about what I have been up to....She has acted jealous in the past, but has also said that the way I have acted, it seems as if I was just as ready to leave this marriage as she was.....That's not true, but given my freedom, I have taken advantage of it.....The thing is, I know now what is important and that is her and my two boys.....I did neglect her for years and she tried to tell me, but I would not listen....I know how to make her happy now, but as she said the other night, there are years of build-up now....She completely shut down and is just now starting to act like her old self.....I don't want to screw this up....The thing is, after the bomb, I tried for awhile and then said screw it and started the different lady every night thing.....Real fun for awhile but got old quick....I know what you said about keeping her guessing, but I did that.....She even said at one point she did not know me anymore......I will follow the advice you give me, but just wanted to give you more info......Thanks
Feeling pretty good this morning......Talked to her for a minute last night on the phone.....Her and the boys were piled up on the couch watching a movie....Very glad to here that because she went through a phase where the boys seemed to be an inconvenience to her.....She has really stepped up as far as they are concerned......She does not bring the OM around them very often and I am glad of that.....Both boys don't like him much anyway.....
I did get a little down last night though, because I wished I was there with them watching the movie as a family....That is something I really miss and took for granted.....Anyway, kept the call short and did not let her know I was down.....Feeling better today, so that is good...
I just want to tell Rob that it is normal to feel that the W will think the H doesn't want to continue the M, but it actually works opposite of what you think. If she thinks her H doesn't care what she does.....he isn't interested......she will be drawn to him. Crazy, huh? But it works.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have made a decision to not date right now because I dated a lady that was wonderful, but since I still had feelings for my ex was not able to be what she wanted.....I will not do that to anyone else....
That is fine b/c everyone has to do what they personally feel is right about dating.
What you said about how your W has shut down really brought back how I felt toward my H when I was ready to walk. If she was jealous at first, but not now......is it b/c she thought you were playing games with her when you were dating? I thought she had another man. Maybe I am confused and need to go back and reread your first post.
I will be honest with you, there has been one person that was here on the board whose WAW never wanted to have more than a friendship with him b/c her feelings would not be restored and I simply did not know what else to tell him. However, I have learned from my own experience that feelings can come back but you have to "allow" it and sometimes....even work at getting them back.
Just don't give up. If you don't think what you are doing is getting results then do a 180 and try something else. Maybe she just thinks she is over you. Besides, if you have stopped dating.....she really has nothing to be jealous about, does she?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We have also hung out at times and had a beer and even kissed a few times....She always backs off and says it can't go any further.....We will stay apart for a while and then hang out some more....We usually get along pretty well...
Quote:
She is still with OM, although they have quit seeing each other several times
Hummm, do you see a pattern here? Seems like she has the best of both worlds. She has both men right where she wants them.
Don't you figure that you are wearing your heart on your sleeve and she knows she doesn't have anything to worry about? How long has it been since the two of you were doing all that kissing???
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey Sandi.....Been meaning to post, but have been busy.....I see what you are saying about the best of both worlds.....The thing is, I completely left her alone for quite some time while she was really serious about OM......She has cooled things off with him quite a bit.....He comes around some, but is not around very often......
She has told me that she really just does not want to have to answer to anyone.....Just wants to do her own thing......She is very hard to understand.....
She is going to have to sell her house because she can't make the payments......She had a house lined up through her job that she could rent for very little.....Only thing, it was about thirty minutes away and would cause problems with our 50/50 custody......Did not know how she would get son to school everyday......
She calls me last night and says she thinks she has found a small apertment in town......It is owned by a twenty-something single man that will have the main apartment in the building....She asked me waht I thought and I said whatever you think......She then says well, you know what everyone around here will think about those living arrangements....I told her last time I checked, she was single and 42 years old, so it really was no one's business....
She looks very young for her age and dresses even younger....I think she does crave attention from younger men.....She has had a hard time since she turned 40.....This whole thing sounds like trouble, but it's none of my business.....I just hate for alot of rumors to start flying around this small town and my boys have to hear them.....She doesn't really think things through some time..
To answer your question, I do see a pattern....I know she does not want to pull completely away and wants to feel as if I am around.....I know that is bad and I am really trying to stop being so available.....The thing is, I did my wild things and I am not very eager to date or go do things right now.....I am just trying to work on me right now......
As far as the kissing, it has been about two weeks since any of that has happened....Really trying to not get in that situation again......
Thanks for your help Sandi.....I am not going to give up, at least not right now......Keep checking on me....It helps
very well said. i am trying to put this advice into action myself. The part about the wife thinking the man doesn't want to get back with her IS a concern of Mine. I know i must try to dismiss that idea. Hard though!
Rob,
I am late to your quote and I may screw up your efforts.
My W has disappeared off the radar completely and I would dearly love Sandis' input into my thread in Infidelity, however the last time she twatted me within a huge 2x4. But she is the one voice on here that I would follow almost religiously. You are lucky she is following your thread and offering you advice.
That is not quite the point. NS / GAL / etc. is for us. And, while my wife has vanished, I wouldn't actually change it because I am 1000000000 (not enough zeroes but you get the idea) better than I was. I am the man W actually married, but with 7 years of experience and the experience of these forums. Don't EVER underestimate the value of the advice that your are given.
Anyway, what I will say is do you know what? See all this 180 stuff, it looks dangerous doesn't it? I will try and quote what it says in a book - if you keep doing the same thing it will get the same results - that is insanity ...
Just try something else mate ...
Last edited by P17; 12/18/0903:05 AM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
Really having a tough time today.....Wanting to call and talk to her, but know I can't....Sometimes she seems so close to breaking out of this and then others she seems just as distant as ever.....I know in my heart things could be good between us again, but I don't know how much longer I can put my heart thrught this........
