A Choice

[TrentC]

Just got off the phone with W. I called her, she answered. Usually she doesn't. The reason I called her was because I was sinking and just found that I could not remain silent anymore... especially since we really have not had a sit down to really honestly discuss our issues. I will tell you about the convo in a minute.

So you decided to start a relationship discussion at a time when you were feeling emotionally vulnerable? Seriously?

W is still in the fog. OM is still in the picture for now. Probably will be for some time. I do not know how long she plans on seeing him, I did not ask. But he is her best friends son or step son. OM is 35 yrs old.

She plans on seeing him as long as you allow her to. And the longer it goes on like this, the harder it will be for her to stop.

I did restate my boundaries regarding OM and left it at that.

And what boundary is that, exactly? Because nothing I've read in the description of thist conversation shows any kind of principle, or backbone, on your part.

She also (finally) agreed that even though the old marriage is dead, a new one is not out of the picture. We talked about her ending her A (which was brief) and she again stated that she did not know what she really wanted at this point. I told her fine, I am in a better place after what I think is a positive convo and I am starting over today going Dark. I will not pursue, and let the cat come to me.

So you decided that you're not going to pursue after you broke down and pursued like crazy? How long until you start feeling down and decide to break radio silence again?

You let her sit there and talk about how great the OM is, and let her dither on about how she doesn't know what she wants and whether or not she will come back to you or keep banging this other guy? And you're OK with that?

...honestly, I don't know what to say other than "Good luck with that".

You're so far off of the DB'ing trail that no advice I can give is going to help. Maybe if you finish reading DR instead of sitting on it, you might start to understand why we advise people the way we do.

[patpat]

P17

ur r right. She would not want to go to MC with a person like that.

Your words are very encouraging. I am feeling better know there are pros like you, TreantC, Greek, Coach and the like. I need to log on more... take the advice of others and read most to gain more.

I have been getting stronger, just got caught up in mt own sh&t today. had a weak moment. Thanks for understanding.

I have both copies "DB & DR" and am reading.... not done yet...

thanks P17

[patpat]

Greek

Never looked at it like that. WOW, ur r right.

Things have been a bit unclear as of late....

ill have to slow down and rethink my situation...

Thanks dude

[patpat]

Trent

Love reading what you write. I learn a lot from you....

I need to and will rethink my situation. U know, a strong reality check. I just get tired and weak sometimes, wishing I wasn't here.

Like most of you guys I'm sure, have always gone at it alone. I have, it is just very hard to be in a position with no knowledge of what is going on, no control and wanting something you just can't have, all at the same time... if that makes any sense....

Thanks for the wise words...

[patpat]

Trent

Once again, you are right.... I knew that I should not have called. I was...

I am going to go read... I will finish the Dr book and rethink my situation....

I've told her that I will not tolerate her having an A. I will not share her with another man, that I will not accept nor live in an open marriage. If this contiues I will be forced to take a harder line and ask you to never come back to our home and proceed with filing for a divorce. (that is my boundary)

But I don't think she cares about my boundary yet... that does not even make sense what I just said....

I need to read some more.... I am just so confused.... can't think straight

[P17]

Pat,

We all get weak moments. We're human. Trick is to recognise and not to make ANY decisions during those times as they are likely bite you on the a$$ some time sooner or later.

Make decision from a position of strength.

Like most of you guys I'm sure, have always gone at it alone. I have, it is just very hard to be in a position with no knowledge of what is going on, no control and wanting something you just can't have, all at the same time... if that makes any sense....

It makes perfect sense.

Trick here is to worry about the things you can control and ignore (or vent in my case) about things you can't.

The more you want her, the more she is going to back away.

Read up about 180's http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1701511#Post1701511

[Kettricken]

Pat, I don't know if you will find this relevant or not, but you might want to check out this article:

Gastric Bypass Addiction Transfer

I don't know what the timeline is, but it's not uncommon for post-bypass patients who can no longer "self-medicate" by overeating to develop other addictive behaviors -- the prescription med abuse and/or affair may fall into that category.

Now, I'm not advancing that theory as an "excuse". Her current behavior is still disrespectful to your marriage, and you shouldn't have to accept it. But it may help you with your compassion to consider all the possible complications of her situation.

[patpat]

Thank you Kettricken

I will check this out to gain understanding....

[chatterbug]

Hey guys
Guys I feel like driving my car right into the path of a semi....

Pat. I will answer your other question later.

But do you feel like this all the time. Or was it just one random thought ?

If you are thinking this on a regular basis. Please go get help right away.

No person is worth that price.

Never.

[patpat]

No Cutter

I do not feel like that at all really...

I was very upset with my situation and my older brother...

My older brother use to be a MC years ago in another life, but he has never been married (just very smart; college an all), and I just don't know that his advice is what I need.

Don't get me wrong... he is fam., and that's just it. He does not want to see me hurt so his advice is always IMO taking the sharp edge and protect yourself, protect yourself, protect yourself. I will, I tell him I am not totally stupid.

But no Cutter, it was just an expression (without explanation) depicting how hurt, confused and miserable I was...

Beside (on a more humerous note), if I was, I would not want to drive there... based on that ill advised statement, I would not have made it....

Your GREAT Cutter! Thanks for Caring...!