A Choice

[patpat]

Thanks Soleil

Just got off the phone with W. I called her, she answered. Usually she doesn't. The reason I called her was because I was sinking and just found that I could not remain silent anymore... especially since we really have not had a sit down to really honestly discuss our issues. I will tell you about the convo in a minute.

W is still in the fog. OM is still in the picture for now. Probably will be for some time. I do not know how long she plans on seeing him, I did not ask. But he is her best friends son or step son. OM is 35 yrs old.

I also think it is a great sign. But do not know if it will actually happen. I was myself going to IC, but after W moved out, money got tight and I could no longer afford to go. I still have the program the church offers and my men's group. Currently looking for another C that is less expensive.

Another good sign. BIL gave me his truck so I would not tear my truck up at work (mine newer, BIL's old beater), told W about it, she said, be sure to put it on our insurance so that I can pay it and get you a card. No tickets this way....

You wish your H could see that he's hurt you... I wish he could also. Do you want to hear what made me look at my W's pain? I was only trying to fix my marriage in the beginning, not myself. I wanted to fix things, change things early on, but more for her than myself... that what made it so hard to accept the defects in my behavior patterns. Until one day, after an arguement (in the presence of a friend) my W got upset because I was belittling her in front of company, she said, I'm leaving, going to my mothers. This was not the Bomb, just a break from me for several hours. Well, my friend got so upset over the exchange between W & I, he said he had to leave.

As he was leaving, I watched him step to the left, then to the right, hop twice, jump once, slide to one side and the other. As he got in his car and drove away, he swayed left and right as he was going down the street. What the F@%K? I'm thinking.

I called his cell phone wondering what that was all about... he said I just did not want to get it all over me!

I asked get what all over you, I do not understand...

he replied, "if feelings could bleed you would have seen a trail of blood walking right out you front door"...

I walked to the door and looked... I could see it. I was completely ashamed at what I have done. I could see it. I went upstair into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I must have stood there for hours. I did not like what I saw. That is what made it easier for me to see my wrong. Even still, my W returned later that night. I did not talk to her about it, I let it pass. I let the sun go down on my anger. I let it go down on her's as well.

Later, I read that same line here in a thread somewhere. Funny how things work. I asked my friend, whom reffered me to the DB site, this is where he said he got the line several years ago. He said it opened his eyes many years ago, and knew the opportunity was right for me. He said he had been waiting to use it, hoping he never would. But he said it is an eye opener.

"If feelings could bleed, you would see a trail of blood walking right out your front door"....

I will never forget these words, and use them as a strong reminder (for all my life) that i am to care for anothers feelings (whomever that may be).

I agree... a broken spirit in ways is worse then a broken heart. The heart will heal faster.

Thank you for understanding my feeling. It does suck the royal egg when things flip upside down.

I know I am not the Boogeyman. Hope W knows.... Thanks for the words of encouragement.

back to W answering the phone....

I couldn't take it. I already screwed up "going Dark" so I called her. I was sinking and pissed off...

I dial the # andas she asnwered (not knowing what to say), I just said hey.. she said hey back.

I sat on the bed right on top of my DR book (not finished reading BTW), looking at the book reminded me of this forum and the 4 C's I read on someone thread (calm, cool, collected & confident). I began to talk. I will not go into the entire conversation but my W told me afterwards that this is the way I am supposed to speak to her. I used I instead of you, and I asked her point blank aboout the separate checking/savings account. Somebody approaching my brother telling of pending devorce etc...

W told me a few thinks without me asking. She told me of affair, that she did it because I did it first. I told her I did not. She said she knows that now.

She mentioned that she really likes the OM but does not know if it is relationship bound. She said that she is still considering us, but isn't sure and that she has no intention of filing for D until she figures out what she is doing and what is going on in her head.

I did restate my boundaries regarding OM and left it at that.

She told me that she has not switched to her own account... but it is there.

She told me she is proud of the changes I have made in my life. She says she has noticed. Especially my body (flat tummy an all). BTW, I dropped 3 pant sizes due to depression and stress. She thinks I did that on my own. I'll take that one.

She also (finally) agreed that even though the old marriage is dead, a new one is not out of the picture. We talked about her ending her A (which was brief) and she again stated that she did not know what she really wanted at this point. I told her fine, I am in a better place after what I think is a positive convo and I am starting over today going Dark. I will not pursue, and let the cat come to me.

And Soleil, I do not know what I can say to ever comfort you. But I was a mean man at one point in my life. I will be happy to answer any questions you have as too why a man is and thinks the way he does. For me, it was a hard walk thru painful realities in my life from childhood to the present. Much pain hidden deep inside of me. There are some things about me that I have not posted yet, probably never will... but hidden hurt in my life (that had nothing to do with W), unfortuately, she was my rock and I unloaded on her.

For that, I apologize to the both of you