here we go again

[Jstar]

i don't think he does understand why his mother was a poor care giver that is his mommie and he's still attached to her breast for milk at 29.

i don't know if i should respond to him giving me a threat.

i have gone through 5 different ways to respond and i'm trying to keep my anger under control. i am trying to keep my ultimate goal in mind of reconciling and know if he did show up unnounced and i had to call the police it would have more of a negative impact then anything.

question is do i fear my safety or child's, not sure, there has been issues of dom violence in past and he can blow at any second with anger.

it would not be in the best interest for d2 to have him just show up, it would be very confusing to here, jeez it's confusing to me.

i believe that he may want a part in her life but i don't think that significant or regular, he does not like to go by a schedule and always has to be at his mommie's and daddies beck and call to do their bidding for them and he would put his d2 after them, he has and still does.

[TrentC]

i am trying to keep my ultimate goal in mind of reconciling and know if he did show up unnounced and i had to call the police it would have more of a negative impact then anything.

No way. Once the issue of abuse or domestic violence comes up, the rules change. Priority number one is protecting yourself and D2.

question is do i fear my safety or child's, not sure, there has been issues of dom violence in past and he can blow at any second with anger.

Then the answer is yes, you should fear for your and D2's safety.

[bluerain]

Trent is absolutely right. You need to get that protection order reinstated. Does your house have a security system?

You cant be worried about the potential negative impact on the reconciliation if there is a legit threat to your safety.

[Jstar]

my niece is going to come over tonight and help me figure out what to respond to. i keep going over it my head.

we both have committed domestic violence on each other. it started with him doing crap to me and i would not takeit anymore and started to defend myself. not that it's an excuse.

i have to wait till i'm on break from work to get this all done, i have missed so much work with teh baby and situation. seeing a lawyer, order of protection, all that kind of stuff. i walk a very thin line finanically and gotta keep it together as long as i can.

getting him served has always been a problem. he darts around all the other lawsuits he is being litigated against and his family protects him big time. i have some tricks up my sleeve how to tget him served, just takes a little planning.

once he called the police on me for breaking my own window in my house to try to get me to calm down, spent i night in jail, charges were dropped, you can't vandalize your own property.

i think about this crap and i'm like, uh i want to be with him, why, for my children, do i really love him, not enough, can he change. so much stuff and i can sense my stress level coming up. exactly what i've been trying to avoid.

[TrentC]

we both have committed domestic violence on each other. it started with him doing crap to me and i would not takeit anymore and started to defend myself. not that it's an excuse.

Um, defending yourself is not "committing domestic violence". It's defending yourself.

getting him served has always been a problem. he darts around all the other lawsuits he is being litigated against and his family protects him big time. i have some tricks up my sleeve how to tget him served, just takes a little planning.

Invite him over to see D2 and have the process server waiting in a car outside?

i think about this crap and i'm like, uh i want to be with him, why, for my children, do i really love him, not enough, can he change. so much stuff and i can sense my stress level coming up. exactly what i've been trying to avoid.

He will not choose to change on his own. You have to make him want to come back, then set boundaries that he must respect in order to do so.

[bluerain]

You know Jstar, is this going to stop? I think that this should be a hard and fast boundary. If you both need anger managment help then so be it, but your kids cant see this. Do you want your daughter being abused? Or your son thinking that its ok to do that to his wife?

I know in Ak, if you can prove that you have been separated for two years, you can get a D whether the other party participates or not.

You wanting to be with him for this kids is understandable, its an honorable thing for a mother to be willing to "take one for the team" to keep her family intact, but this an abusive relationship is not in their best interest.

[Jstar]

he left another msg, all in a nice mood asking him to give him a call. i think he just says he's going to show unnounced to mess with me. either that or just got something better to do or had to do something for his mommy/daddy.

i am going to respond, still composing what i am going to respond to with boundaries and such.

[Jstar]

here is the latest:

I am glad to see that you have begun to show some interest in D2. In the past few months your decisions have not been in the best interest or safety for D2 ,the baby or me. In light of these poor decisions you no longer are a trustworthy person. Until you demonstrate genuine respect and support for me and the children we will not participate in any conversations with you. I fear for my safety, these children’s safety when you communicate angrily and threaten us to show up at my residence if I do not do what you want. In the event you do come over uninvited I will be forced to protect my life and my children‘s lives.

[Jstar]

well the making him want to come back is the million dollar question/

suggestions

[Jstar]

another revision:

I am glad to see that you have begun to show some interest in D2. In the past few months your decisions have not been in the best interest or safety for D2 ,the baby or me. In light of these poor decisions you no longer are a trustworthy person. Until you demonstrate genuine respect and support for me and the children we will not participate in any conversations with you.