Bunny, I know you can't see what we see. But trust the fine people here, you are going well. Detach, honey. It's the key. You will actually feel better. love, Goldey
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
I agree with everyone else. Your Soon to b x is a vampire. Once you invite him in he thinks he can pop in whnever he wants.
Set your boundaries. Challenge yourself to be stronger. Tell him that you want to be alone for awhile. Force him to respect your boundaries or he wont. He has NO RESPECT for you TEACH HIM.
I would not spend any time with him over the holidays. Just make seperate time with the kids. He needs to LEARN to RESPECT YOU again. Unless he never did.
You need to find your self respect. You do deserve better. Make this your DAILY MANTRA. Dont invite him in any more; that's what friends are for. H is not your friend. He's a wolf in sheeps clothing. Have your other friends asked you to have sex with strangers? Come on. Put this in perspective. Dont let your loneliness or neediness get in the way of how he hurt you. Have other friends help with the other stuff.
Dont forget about having another friend or your son check out your computer for monitoring software. I would just reinstall the OS from scratch again. If you cant find someone ahve geek squad to it. You wont be able to always see the monitoring software installed. Once it's in the registry your screwed. Your H has shown how controlling he can be. Dont UNDERESTIMATE him.
((Bunny)) "I can politely decline" You can also just decline. "No, thanks. I'm busy tonight." Click. Detach. It gets easier. Can you go for the rest of the week with limited or no contact? Peace.
Do you really want to know a big reason why I let H touch me on Sunday? I know people were wondering why I allowed that from him. Because I can be so dumb. Right now I don't trust my decision making process- I'm feeling needy and looking for positive attention, and this is why I think everybody is a bit off with the classy and strong bit.
I went out Friday night just to get out for a bit. I went to a place that I've been to before and was comfortable there, and I was just enjoying talking to some people. I was talking to this one guy, and he was saying all the nice things that I really liked to hear, and I wound up alone with him a little later. Stupid mistake. It's not like I was drunk or anything, I just allowed myself to be sucked in, I should have known better. This guy turned out to be a real jerk when I was alone with him. Not real respectful of boundaries or the words "I don't want to". There were people nearby and I didn't want to cause a scene by others charging in, I just wanted to hurry and get out of there.
So I think that may be why I let H touch me a little on Sunday- nice touches replacing the bad ones.
So, as I said, I'm not all that classy, strong or loaded with common sense at the moment. I need to just hang out by myself for a while while I get some of those traits. Thank you for listening and letting me unload that.
Bunny--PLEASE don't be alone with someone--including your H--until you do some serious work on boundaries. When you've spent years with a controlling or abusive partner, it's a natural consequence to lose your boundaries. Please commit yourself to some serious work on this issue, for your own growth and healing.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
The last few days I have been feeling invisible, disposable and in the overall scheme of things, I don't count for much.
H bitched at me a week ago when I told a friend/neighbor that I have moved out because there "was no need to broadcast" our situation. I didn't think I was broadcasting- I thought I was letting a friend know where I was at now. It hit home that I'm isolated when I was at the house on Sunday and saw that H and the kids had received about 15 Christmas cards, and I hadn't gotten any. That hurt- especially when I saw one from my aunt. (She did send me one too- it arrived Monday, the next day).
I had a rough night last night- I was tired after work and accidentally drove to the house instead of my apartment. I was unable to reach the kids by phone, and I have no idea when to expect to see them because they won't commit- their schedules are moment to moment. I have a christmas tree to put up but no motivation to do so if I have no one to share it with. I was telling my friend here about last night and feeling low, and while doing so, I heard someone else mutter under their breath "give me a f***g break!". So I'll shut up, everyone has issues/problems, and I'm just separated, it's not a big deal.
The last few days I have been feeling invisible, disposable and in the overall scheme of things, I don't count for much.
Your feelings displayed above can directly be attributed to years of being put down, and where your H kept you in your relationship.
You can't see this now, but we can. In some time, you will look back and KNOW that this was a false statement.
You DO count for much, but it's going to take time, reflection, and work from you.
Work ON yourself, and FORyourself and not others!
Don't be afraid of that! Tt will be enlightening to find the real Bunny again, or for the first time find the real Bunny!
She is a strong women, who doesn't need others validation to know who she is, and where she is going, and what she wants out of life. She's taking the first steps already, and won't be living her life in fear!
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H bitched at me a week ago when I told a friend/neighbor that I have moved out because there "was no need to broadcast" our situation.
Let him bitch all he wants, what he says holds no power over you anymore. Keep repeating that. To bad he is annoyed with you talking to someone. Ask him if it sucks to feel like he is no longer in control of what you do or say! (*You probably shouldn't really ask him that, but ask him that in your head!*)
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I was unable to reach the kids by phone, and I have no idea when to expect to see them because they won't commit- their schedules are moment to moment. I have a christmas tree to put up but no motivation to do so if I have no one to share it with.
This is going to be tough for you, but you have every right to have YOUR kids around you for some part of the time also. BE VERY AWARE, YOUR H MAY TRY AND USE THEM AS A CONTROL AND MANIPULATION TACTIC BY NOT LETTING YOU SEE THEM. I Don't doubt for a second this man may attempt that, and your the one that is going to have to do something about it!
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It hit home that I'm isolated when I was at the house on Sunday and saw that H and the kids had received about 15 Christmas cards, and I hadn't gotten any. That hurt- especially when I saw one from my aunt. (She did send me one too- it arrived Monday, the next day).
I'll tell you this right now, most people outside your R know nothing about this man, they know the 'face' that he puts up to them. Do they know he's a manipulating SOB who repeatedly put his W into things she didn't want to do, berates her on a regular basis, insinuating that she is dumb, and other crap ad nasueum.. NO!
You are going to hear things like "Why did she leave such a nice guy?" and a whole boatload of BS, and it is just that [b]BS[/] because no one has lived it but you, and you know this.
You will find some support, you have found it here as a start. Find your counselor and ask him/her to help you find support group for abused women.
Baby steps Bunny, but you will find the strength, and get through this. Take things one day, one hour, one minute at a time to start to move through this.
You didn't ask for this. You didn't want this to happen to you, and it's not your fault!
Repeat that yourself also, while you take these baby steps..
I will only add.. it does get easier as you figure out FOR YOURSELF, what 'new' normal looks & feels like. You've had many many years of thinking something abnormal was normal.. it was not.
Please give it time and be gentle with yourself... you are worth it.
((Bunny)) Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
