A Choice

[chatterbug]

Pat

Are you doing a full on Plan A right now ?

I thought you were going towards a Plan B?

Do you understand what I am saying in those two questions ?

[soleil]

Hey Patpat,

Was reading through your thread and jus twanted to commend you on owning your half of the situation. A lot of people don't.
That is great that your W said she is open to MC in the future. Don't listen to the naysayers who tell you to drop her if in your heart you are not ready to do so.
That is great you are doing counselling and group therapy on your own.

[patpat]

Hey guys

I'm sitting here in the house, my brother comes home, he asks how I am doing and I say Ok for now, can't help feeling sad because of the situation I am in.

I said I wonder if W will file for D after the holidays. Brother responds, I just came out of a store where a feela watched up to me and said " are you ME's brother", "yes", then this guys says "I heard W is going to file divorce after holidays".

Needless to say, I was feeling pretty low before brother said this to me.

I asked brother if he got a name. He said, no because it was none of his business. I asked brother, wouldn't you be just a tad bit curious if someone walked up to you out of the blue that you did not know, and told you that stuff.

Then I told brother this is the type of stuff you need to keep to yourself when you see that I am upset.

Guys I feel like driving my car right into the path of a semi....

[patpat]

Cutter

No I do not understand. I remember reading something somewhere about Plan A & Plan B.

I have been so up and down, I can't remember much right now.

Sinking fast.

[patpat]

Hey Soleil

I read your thread earlier today. You sound like my W without the A.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. Everyone needs to hear those...

Often time, I believe I was more than half the problem. I know I was. I read others threads and it seems that everyones threads that mention something bad that has happened to them from their S's, in some way, I have done to mine.

W said she has thought of going to MC, but not sure if that is what she wants. Right now, I think she just wants the OM. I thought I could deal with this better, but I am finding out that apparently I can not.

I feel as though I am sinking fast.

I am sorry for you though. I feel as though I owe you and apology. I, in most ways, was like your H. Not completely though, but in a lot of ways.

Looking back I hate myself for causing my W so much hurt. She is in the FOG and I feel like the weatherman.

I did notice that my R needed something. I knew it had to begin with me. I started looking for help 1 yr 4 weeks ago. It has been hard. Lots of up and downs trying to accept things (defects in my behavior & personality). But once I did, it got easier.

W problably already in an EA by this time. W shutting down over last 6 months due to years of miscommuniaction between the 2 of us.

She notices all the changes. Tells me, why could you do this years ago. Feels like 2 little 2 late. But I am hanging in there best I can.

I will not drop my W. Not for any reason. I have and always will LOVE her. I don't want to know nothing else.

You know this may seem funny, but if you removed the EA and the PA, the addiction to prescription meds... my W has been the most awesome partner I could have ever hoped for.

I can still see her in 7th grade peering over a music stand to see me blowing on my tuba. She has changed in many ways, but that beautiful little girl is still with her today. I see it.

Thanks for being an ear guys...

[soleil]

W said she has thought of going to MC, but not sure if that is what she wants. Right now, I think she just wants the OM. I thought I could deal with this better, but I am finding out that apparently I can not.

As long as that guy is in the picture, her brain is going to be foggy as hell. Is she still seeing him? How long for?

The fact that she is thinking about MC is a huge great sign. Are you going on your own? I definitely recommend it!

I am sorry for you though. I feel as though I owe you and apology. I, in most ways, was like your H. Not completely though, but in a lot of ways.

Thanks, it means a lot. I wish he could see that he's hurt me. I'm not sure he will ever conceive of of the heartwrenching pain I endured day in and day out because of him not willing to speak a single word to me. It completely broke my spirit in ways a broken heart never has. In fact, I'd take a broken heart over the silence any day.

I feel as though I am sinking fast.

It's funny. We're on the opposite ends of this situation yet I feel EXACTLY the SAME way you do. Sometimes it takes all I can to not go running into the bathroom at work and just crying my eyes out. People talk to me and I feel like I am looking THROUGH them. So, my heart goes out to you 100%. It's an awful feeling when everything you know gets flipped on its head.

Looking back I hate myself for causing my W so much hurt. I did notice that my R needed something. I knew it had to begin with me. I started looking for help 1 yr 4 weeks ago. It has been hard. Lots of up and downs trying to accept things (defects in my behavior & personality). But once I did, it got easier.

You will have to forgive yourself. With time, it will happen. You are not the boogeyman. We all make mistakes and all of us here can admit to contributing to what has led to the seeming demise of our M's. No one person is at fault though. You have apologized to your wife and said you will do anything to make it better and well, what is more honest and beautiful than that? You get to say you are trying, despite all of the odds. You are not giving up, and I commend you for that.

[P17]

W said she has thought of going to MC, but not sure if that is what she wants. Right now, I think she just wants the OM. I thought I could deal with this better, but I am finding out that apparently I can not.

Patpat, you sound like you're going through h*ll at the moment. For yourself, keep telling yourself 'I can handle it' because you can.

Every single one of us on here have been where you are now. EVERY ONE OF US. We know what you're going through mate. We feel for you. We really do.

But the 2x4.

Your W said she thought about going to the MC but is not sure? What would it take to make sure? Do you think that somebody who is 'sinking fast' is going to be the person she is going to go to the MC for?

Looking back I hate myself for causing my W so much hurt. She is in the FOG and I feel like the weatherman.

String strong words. You made a mistake. Big deal. Sh*t we've all make mistakes. Every single one of us on here made a mistake that puts us here. But there are two people in a marriage and that other person made just as many mistakes as we did. The difference is we have the strength to admit our mistakes and won't to rectify them. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for just being here. That takes guts and it takes courage to do that.

I did notice that my R needed something. I knew it had to begin with me. I started looking for help 1 yr 4 weeks ago. It has been hard. Lots of up and downs trying to accept things (defects in my behavior & personality). But once I did, it got easier.

You had problems. You made mistakes and you went about fixing them. How many spouses do that? I know my W didn't. I know that almost everybody's spouse on this forum didn't do what you had the courage to do. You are strong. Forgive yourself. Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off and say 'I will handle it' and move forward.

W problably already in an EA by this time. W shutting down over last 6 months due to years of miscommuniaction between the 2 of us.

That sounds like your W made a mistake. Instead of trying to rectify things, she shut down. Why is that your fault?

She notices all the changes. Tells me, why could you do this years ago. Feels like 2 little 2 late. But I am hanging in there best I can.

Ahhh, the too little too late speech ... got that T-Shirt.

You couldn't do this years ago because you didn't know it was a problem years ago. It's called lack of communication - which takes TWO.

Get the Divorce Buster and Divorce Remedy books today and start reading them (if you only want one, try Divorce Remedy).

[Greek]

Looking back I hate myself for causing my W so much hurt. She is in the FOG and I feel like the weatherman.


I will not drop my W. Not for any reason. I have and always will LOVE her. I don't want to know nothing else.

You know this may seem funny, but if you removed the EA and the PA, the addiction to prescription meds... my W has been the most awesome partner I could have ever hoped for.

I can still see her in 7th grade peering over a music stand to see me blowing on my tuba. She has changed in many ways, but that beautiful little girl is still with her today. I see it.

Thanks for being an ear guys...

You are in your own fog, Pat.

It's sweet that you are so sentimental about your childhood memories of your W, but come on, guy! What would you write to a woman who came on this forum and wrote "Except for the two beatings he gave me and the alcoholism, he has been an awesome husband!" ????

You are like stealing candy from a baby for her.

Greek

[TrentC]

Looking back I hate myself for causing my W so much hurt. She is in the FOG and I feel like the weatherman.

You can't take the blame for her having an affair; that's not fair to you. She took marriage vows also.

I will not drop my W. Not for any reason. I have and always will LOVE her. I don't want to know nothing else.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to fight for your marriage, but you have to have boundaries of acceptable behavior. As Greek and others will tell you: for women, they have to respect their partner in order to be in love with them.

Your saying that you are willing to turn yourself into a doormat and wait around while your wife sleeps with another woman, hoping that she'll come back to you -- is that the behavior of a strong, confident person? Someone that commands respect?

You know this may seem funny, but if you removed the EA and the PA, the addiction to prescription meds... my W has been the most awesome partner I could have ever hoped for.

Nothing like damning with faint praise.

I can still see her in 7th grade peering over a music stand to see me blowing on my tuba. She has changed in many ways, but that beautiful little girl is still with her today. I see it.

Part of your problem is that you are refusing to see the reality of the situation.

You say that you're willing to wait, but the person you're waiting for is not the 7th grader in band class! You don't get to "remove the EA and the PA and the addiction to prescription meds"; they are a part of who she is.

That's not to say that the affairs and the addiction aren't things that can't be overcome of forgiven, but you are worshipping a fantasy version of your wife.

[patpat]

Thanks Soleil

Just got off the phone with W. I called her, she answered. Usually she doesn't. The reason I called her was because I was sinking and just found that I could not remain silent anymore... especially since we really have not had a sit down to really honestly discuss our issues. I will tell you about the convo in a minute.

W is still in the fog. OM is still in the picture for now. Probably will be for some time. I do not know how long she plans on seeing him, I did not ask. But he is her best friends son or step son. OM is 35 yrs old.

I also think it is a great sign. But do not know if it will actually happen. I was myself going to IC, but after W moved out, money got tight and I could no longer afford to go. I still have the program the church offers and my men's group. Currently looking for another C that is less expensive.

Another good sign. BIL gave me his truck so I would not tear my truck up at work (mine newer, BIL's old beater), told W about it, she said, be sure to put it on our insurance so that I can pay it and get you a card. No tickets this way....

You wish your H could see that he's hurt you... I wish he could also. Do you want to hear what made me look at my W's pain? I was only trying to fix my marriage in the beginning, not myself. I wanted to fix things, change things early on, but more for her than myself... that what made it so hard to accept the defects in my behavior patterns. Until one day, after an arguement (in the presence of a friend) my W got upset because I was belittling her in front of company, she said, I'm leaving, going to my mothers. This was not the Bomb, just a break from me for several hours. Well, my friend got so upset over the exchange between W & I, he said he had to leave.

As he was leaving, I watched him step to the left, then to the right, hop twice, jump once, slide to one side and the other. As he got in his car and drove away, he swayed left and right as he was going down the street. What the F@%K? I'm thinking.

I called his cell phone wondering what that was all about... he said I just did not want to get it all over me!

I asked get what all over you, I do not understand...

he replied, "if feelings could bleed you would have seen a trail of blood walking right out you front door"...

I walked to the door and looked... I could see it. I was completely ashamed at what I have done. I could see it. I went upstair into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I must have stood there for hours. I did not like what I saw. That is what made it easier for me to see my wrong. Even still, my W returned later that night. I did not talk to her about it, I let it pass. I let the sun go down on my anger. I let it go down on her's as well.

Later, I read that same line here in a thread somewhere. Funny how things work. I asked my friend, whom reffered me to the DB site, this is where he said he got the line several years ago. He said it opened his eyes many years ago, and knew the opportunity was right for me. He said he had been waiting to use it, hoping he never would. But he said it is an eye opener.

"If feelings could bleed, you would see a trail of blood walking right out your front door"....

I will never forget these words, and use them as a strong reminder (for all my life) that i am to care for anothers feelings (whomever that may be).

I agree... a broken spirit in ways is worse then a broken heart. The heart will heal faster.

Thank you for understanding my feeling. It does suck the royal egg when things flip upside down.

I know I am not the Boogeyman. Hope W knows.... Thanks for the words of encouragement.

back to W answering the phone....

I couldn't take it. I already screwed up "going Dark" so I called her. I was sinking and pissed off...

I dial the # andas she asnwered (not knowing what to say), I just said hey.. she said hey back.

I sat on the bed right on top of my DR book (not finished reading BTW), looking at the book reminded me of this forum and the 4 C's I read on someone thread (calm, cool, collected & confident). I began to talk. I will not go into the entire conversation but my W told me afterwards that this is the way I am supposed to speak to her. I used I instead of you, and I asked her point blank aboout the separate checking/savings account. Somebody approaching my brother telling of pending devorce etc...

W told me a few thinks without me asking. She told me of affair, that she did it because I did it first. I told her I did not. She said she knows that now.

She mentioned that she really likes the OM but does not know if it is relationship bound. She said that she is still considering us, but isn't sure and that she has no intention of filing for D until she figures out what she is doing and what is going on in her head.

I did restate my boundaries regarding OM and left it at that.

She told me that she has not switched to her own account... but it is there.

She told me she is proud of the changes I have made in my life. She says she has noticed. Especially my body (flat tummy an all). BTW, I dropped 3 pant sizes due to depression and stress. She thinks I did that on my own. I'll take that one.

She also (finally) agreed that even though the old marriage is dead, a new one is not out of the picture. We talked about her ending her A (which was brief) and she again stated that she did not know what she really wanted at this point. I told her fine, I am in a better place after what I think is a positive convo and I am starting over today going Dark. I will not pursue, and let the cat come to me.

And Soleil, I do not know what I can say to ever comfort you. But I was a mean man at one point in my life. I will be happy to answer any questions you have as too why a man is and thinks the way he does. For me, it was a hard walk thru painful realities in my life from childhood to the present. Much pain hidden deep inside of me. There are some things about me that I have not posted yet, probably never will... but hidden hurt in my life (that had nothing to do with W), unfortuately, she was my rock and I unloaded on her.

For that, I apologize to the both of you