Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[MichelleLT]

Focus on you and the boys.

Relieve your stress in healthy ways - hang with the kids, work out, watch movies, read books, go for a walk.

Keep your nose clean.

Keep your L involved.

And let her worry about herself. You can't fix it for her. She's going to go thru a lot of emotions. Anger at you for "screwing" things up for her. She'll probably vacillate to guilt and remorse. She might try being nice, she'll also throw more $h!t your way.

Not your problem. You can control you. So work on the things you can control and take care of your boys.

[SoldierDad]

LT,
thanks for the advice. I will keep focused.

It's hard not worrying about her, but I will "let her go" to find her way. I just feel like I should guide her "home" somehow-you know?

[MichelleLT]

Yeah, I know what you mean.

You can guide, you can suggest, you can influcence. You can't control her, nor can you fix her. The only person you can control is you. In reality, the only thing we have any control over is our own reactions. Through your actions, you can make it more likely that she will come home and work on the M.

You have to be the best option. You have to be the confident man, the great father, the person worthy of respect because of your respect for yourself and others.

[SoldierDad]

I think I have been the solid option since before I even got home for R & R. I have kept an even keel, and have stayed level-headed throughout the whole ordeal.
Hopefully, that will pay dividends down the road as far as my mental health, and stability.

[bluerain]

Im so glad that you came here when you did. Usually by the time we find our way here, we have had lots of time to really mess things up, at least I know that it was true for me!

Unfortunately, you cant guide her home. She knows how to come home, and its up to her to follow that path.

[SoldierDad]

bluerain,
I know she knows her way home, but I think she thinks that it is too late. I don't know how to get to her that with certain boundaries, transparency, etc, that there is a way.

I don't think I am in a position to do so right now anyway. She hasn't spoken to me/e-mailed me etc. She is dark towards me as I am her.

I dunno. Not sure what to do as far as somehow letting her know that she has a decision to make.

[MichelleLT]

A couple ways to go about that.

Either write a e-mail/letter down the road. Way down the road.

Or she might initiate a R talk. Which is your chance to say, W, I want to give us another chance, in order for that to happen I need to know that there is no OM, I need transparency, I need XY&Z. That's why you've been asked to mull over what is important to you. SO you have time to think over that, and to be prepared to tell her so when an appropriate time comes.

You are not in a position to communicate that to her for several reasons.

First, you are dark.

Second, she doesn't want to hear it. In all likelihood, she won't want to hear it for quite some time. Patience.

[Gnosis]

SD, you're currently operating in an "adrenaline rush" kind of reaction. You're feeling good because things ARE going your way.

There is a usually a kickback to a low before your feelings stabilize. Be prepared for it. I know you're staying with a friend. Ask him to look out for you when it happens.

Earlier you asked what else you could do... start building your support group. Friends and family who will be able to "pick you up."

Also start reading through other people's situations and old threads. See how their moods fluctuate. Be prepared for the battle that's going to rage in your mind.

[SoldierDad]

Gnosis,
I know there are going to be alot of lows, and I really aren't looking forward to any more venom or spew from my W, but I know that it is coming.

Both my S's tell me W is being very nice to them. Not sure what to make of that.

I have a few good friends that I am leaning on, that are looking out for me and my well being.

[bluerain]

Be thankful that shes being kind to the boys. I guess thats all you can do with that. She has more than buried herself over the last little while as far as the kids go.

I wonder if any of the guys here can recommend some self help books for you to deal with your emotions over the next little while?

I absolutely understand that medications are not an option. My ex was military as well, and not in a position to use the medicines, but he did find that the Vitamin B-12- the kind that is drops that go under your tongue, helped with anxiety. And it has some other benefits as well, without the stigma that you might be worried about.

I think that very often, its not necessarily the situation that make us sad, but the way that we deal with them. Often our depression in situations is very intimately linked with how out of control we feel. I think that you are doing very well in that department. Utilize your social network for the support that they can offer, and keep coming here and getting even more support, especially when you get back to the theatre.