if you are right on this , i'd buy the lottery ticket for you!!!It is so out of character for me, but...I understand the concept. Will meditate and pray on a plan to start ASAP. thankyou for all your imput. It means A LOT.
if you are right on this , i'd buy the lottery ticket for you!!!It is so out of character for me, but...I understand the concept. Will meditate and pray on a plan to start ASAP. thankyou for all your imput. It means A LOT.
Psychiatrist diagnosed depression but she disagreed and refused the med (lexapro).
I've heard that so many times, and it is a marriage killer. Even me, my W said I was depressed and asked me many times to go gets some meds, but I wouldn't. In my case, I avoided it because I had a serious case of clinical depression twenty years ago, and I did go on the meds they had at the time. This was before Prozac and the new generation of anti-depressants. Those meds screwed up my head big time. I was only on the meds for a few months, they had a minimal impact on my depression, at best, and it took me several years to get over the side effects. So I was extremely gun-shy about ever going on psyc drugs again, and whatever depression I had wasn't anything near what I had way back then, so I didn't think it was worth the risk. Looking back, I should have tried one of the newer drugs. Might have helped me get out of my rut in time to save my M.
Futureunknown: I also felt gun shy regarding Anti D meds.. tried several but never felt quite right.. however, recently I spoke with my MD regarding my Depression and past unsuccessful results and MD and I decided to take blood labs. MD discovered that I had low testosterone levels. MD stated that could be a reason for my depression and because my levels were so low, MD stated that it likely didn't happen overnight (probably over many years).
I've been taking a new Med, "Prestiq", a relative of Lexapro (minimal in side effects) in addition to testosterone replacement regimin and have felt a terrific lifting of fog after about only a week. MD says it takes about 4+ weeks to get the full effect but in the time I've taken it, it has showing positive signs. The energy lift has been a gift. I have motivation to do the things that I have sat on the couch and sulked over..
My obsessive thoughts about the W have calmed some and the impending feel of dread and gloom has eased up enough for me to notice it. Heck, as I type right now, I have concern but am not terribly worried about events I have no control over. Am I sad, yes,, but just recently it hasn't been controlling my thoughts.
I realize the seriousness of the reality of my sitch; but it's not being chemically "masked", It is becoming a bit easier to apply the DR techniques..
I thought that's what every woman wants , a stable, honest, reliable ,goodlooking ,professional man , who likes to have fun.??
Let me make something very plain here. Taking a woman out and allowing somebody/something else to entertain her is not what I am referring to here. It is YOU, the PERSON, who she finds boring. She's tired and doesn't want to go out every night, but you have either grown lazy or else do not have enough imagination as to how to spark up your life at home.
Yes, you need to GAL, but you need to show her that it is really great being in your company. Think of one thing......an evening at home that would completely surprise her. Something that you have never done before. Now by fun, I'm not suggesting you make yourself look like a idiot, but you can be sexy and still be fun.
Let me tell you something I did one time. We lived in a small apartment at the time, so I redecorated the front room by putting red scarves over the lampshades and threw huge pillows around on the floor. I had a blanket in the middle of the floor. I had dinner already cooked when he arrived. I was wearing shorts & a halter top and high heels (which was out of character for me, but that's what was fun). I was standing in this "model" poise when he came in the door. I thought he was going to faint when he walked in (lol). We ate our food on the blanket like we were at a picnic and I had bought this little cheap gift and had "to the greatest husband" on it. Of course, we ended up ML on the blanket.
But it was a highlight for him. Made coming home fun and unpredictable. It was fun for me, too, b/c I was doing the planning and it was a seret surprise.
Go on the Internet and type in things to spark up my love life.....or something else. Buy "Light Up Her Life", but do something that involves applying yourself to the R instead of depending on somebody else.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
There are two conflicting tracks of advice here on the boards:
1) Use fear of loss: make the WAS realize they are losing something valuable. go dark. be mysterious. date. pretend to be having an affair.
2) Build a positive R: be exciting. be fun. be open. focus on your spouse. put effort into the R. plan fun evenings together. BE the entertainment. Light up her life.
It is almost impossible to follow both of these at the same time.
If the WAS is in a place where they WANT the M to work, then the 2nd, more positive track can work. If they aren't, however... it is the difference between the spouse being pleasantly surprised and enjoying the effort and creativity that went into it, verses the spouse rolling their eyes and thinking to themselves "My God is this person pursuing pathetically."
I've tried this tact - planning a special evening, etc - and ended up with a W who spent the whole evening trying to avoid it.
Last edited by Thinker; 12/15/0903:25 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
There are two conflicting tracks of advice here on the boards:
You are right. I have been saying that to Newcomers for quite some time. They can choose to apply "tough love" or go the "outshinning" pathway. I think the DR book teaches to be the spouse that outshines any other obstacle (OP, etc.), but everyone has to decide which they can do.
If there is OM then I do not suggest what I said in the last post, b/c I don't think that's the road to take. But if the W is bored and her sexual drive is running on low, then I think the H could step it up and show his W that he can still be fun, sexy, unpredictable, etc.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
so??? which tactic do i use??? seems like i have a hard time exciting her at this point. She's really not showing her cards. She asked if we could maybe go to a movie tonite?? Most of the advice here seems to be GAL, etc...I don't like being the puppy dog with his nose pressed against the glass, but i have been doing this for a long time thinking that "mature" adults appreciate kindness , caring, stability,lovingness,etc... I know excitement is great, but in the end i thought loyalty counted for a lot. " look not for beauty nor color of skin, but look for a heart that is loyal within. For beauty fades as life grows old; but a heart that is loyal is as good as gold!"
