My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

A few weeks have passed since Thanksgiving, which I think was a new low point for me. The holiday made me revisit a lot of grief--but the whole reason for the revisiting is working thru the losses from a more current perspective. This is why grief is not a linear process, but more of a cyclical one.

So having said that, here's what I've learned in the "working thru."

First of all, I've been trying to figure out what I contributed to my own misery in the marriage, and to its ultimate failure. While I consider that that there's no excuse for serial adultery, my pattern of ignoring my own needs made me bitter and resentful--especially when the end result was that becoming smaller and less "troublesome" didn't really make him love me. Living for so long with someone so narcissistic, I gradually stopped expecting that he'd care about my well-being. In doing that, I essentially taught him how to treat me. And the less I asked of him, the less he gave. I think this solves the mystery for me of why he is so completely different in his current relationship than he was in the marriage--she isn't content to disappear, she in fact is almost as self-serving as he is, and her needs come first. He's in the position I was in. He has learned about horses, he does heavy maintenance at her farm when he wouldn't even change a lightbulb in our house, his $2000 worth of drums (a big bone of contention between us) still sit in my house because he's lost interest in them. She's taught him that he must earn her love. I gave it to him sacrificially, and he came to expect it, and like most entitlements it was quite taken for granted. I realized this at some point in the marriage, and began doing things that fulfilled me--and it's when he pulled away emotionally. It was too much of a change, it was essentially too late. I will need to have enough self-worth to recognize, acknowledge and honor my own needs--and it's something I need to learn to do now. If I were to enter another relationship before learning this, it would end up similarly disastrous, I imagine. It's a FOO thing--children in alcoholic homes learn to deny their needs to survive; I've unlearned many other things, but this one seems to be my Achilles' heel.

The other thing I've learned at new levels is that, yes--I am grieving as much or more for lost dreams and hopes than for reality. It was not a great marriage, there are a lot of painful memories through the years. Idealizing is part of grief, and I think I spent a lot of time idealizing him and the relationship, both before and after he left. And grief over lost dreams is very valid--but it's different. I've recognized at some level that I would probably never have left, and it would probably never have improved to the level of my perception. And while it would have been much better if exH had tried harder (not in his capacity to do) or at least have been honest/honorable in his leaving (which would have been off-script) it would not have resulted in such shock and awe for D and myself. However, ultimately I probably should be grateful at some level that he ended the marriage. I kept waiting for the guy who woo'd me to return--kept thinking if I was just good enough to deserve it he'd love me. And that's just not a good way to live, or to model for a daughter.

As for his family--well, it is what it is. I will miss them at times, and they may want to reach out to me at some point. But they're not crucial to my well-being or my sense of who I am or who I can be.

Hope this is helpful for someone. If not, it's just my processing, and it helps me to put it in words. I feel much more solid, much more ready to move into the Christmas season without the pain I experienced at Thanksgiving.