how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[avermont]

Well, now I am worse confused and feeling guilty and terrible.

A date does have expectations. If I were looking for an R; emailed back and forth; set up a meeting; fussed about what to wear and wondered--oh, maybe he's the one! And then to have him say: I'm not ready for an R. I'm just going out with people to learn and live life

I think I would feel I had been deliberately deceived.

Perhaps I should email something like this:

"Person, I really enjoyed our walk together. As I mentioned, I am just newly out of a long term R. I do not feel ready for a romantic relationship just yet. I do want to get out and meet new people. I wanted to be clear about this so you can make a decision about seeing me again, or not. I will understand if you do not want to see someone who is not yet emotionally available"

Would that be honest and fair?

[chatterbug]

How about.

Silence

or

"I enjoyed our walk and conversation. It was a good day. I hope you have a good week. Talk to later. Avermont."

It was a walk in the park... You are the one thinking expectations.

Explain to me how you decived him?

If you and I went for a walk in the park and talked. Had a few emails.

You know what I would do.

I would send you a thank you note.

Just like above.

I would smile. And think that I had a good time with avermont. She is an interesting person. Perhaps one day we will have another conversation over coffee or lunch or dinner.

Then that would be that.

Fret the bigstuff aver... not the small stuff....

[chatterbug]

And since your feeling all this mixed feelings Aver.

Go with silence.

Girl you need to get your mojo back.

Enjoy date two when it happens. Go out with a friend who is single. And that way you can have a real date.

Fun with someone you know and trust.

[avermont]

Well, I feel like I deceived him because we met up thru Match.com and my profile doesn't say "recently separated basket case would like to see what it is like to go on a date. No long term romantic relationship desired at this point."

So we email, he's intrigued, I'm intrigued, we have a nice time, we put into motion meeting again.

I truly did put my profile up in a total manic state. Not at a good point on the roller coaster! I don't even want to go back to see what it says. Must sound at least vaguely sane enough for this decent guy to contact me.

So, cutterbug, I think your approach really sounds lovely, but I guess I am caught in "a date comes with the expectation that something might develop from it." Is it just me? does the rest of the normal world take cutterbug's attitude towards a date?

Remember, I'm 23 years out of the game! Where can I go read up on the rules again?

[Kimmie Lee]

Don't overthink this either.

A date is just a date. That's it! Jeez, I can't believe how you can go from a "date" to "relationship" like zero to sixty in five seconds.

It's just a date, just a cup of coffee, just a movie, just lunch......with a friend.

But if you can't do this casually, and no, I don't mean sex, then skip it. It's just that you might actually enjoy going out.

Or not.

[avermont]

I did enjoy going out.

Well. I will take this input as 'yes, I am over thinking this. other, more stable people take a date as a date'.

I just need to re-learn how this works. Or learn, really. In college we didn't date. We just slept together. Those were the days...

[Kimmie Lee]

Lol!!

You'll be fine.

[chatterbug]

Aver. 14 years for me.

And 16 years since I kissed anyone besides my wife.

Remember your previous rules were written for young people. No experience. No burden.

You write your rules.

Or you blur the lines.

Your choice.

[chatterbug]

And yea. I felt all kick ass and confused after my first date as well.

[avermont]

[/quote]I am feeling total roller-coaster about sending such a cold reply to the his friendly bill-paying note. He had added in other little bits of news. And I just responded with "bills paid. All OK. Review bills with me if you want."

So that's the conflict! Respond to friendly with friendly, and then it is just as cutterbug described: X gets to sit back, life is good, Avermont is fine, la la la...

Or WHAT IF--and I know I get a 2x4 for this--his friendly little email was a reaching out? [quote]

Back to the bill paying question--the big event is tomorrow night!

I had broken NC with a little email story. He responded very friendly, some news, asked about bills.

I replied very shortly that bills were OK, could review them this week if he wanted.

Later followed up with the suggestion that we meet at a local library for a "neutral space." No answer.

Just now he responded with the tersest: Fine. Thursday. Library. 5:30.

So...just to juggle up the waters, I wrote back a big OK! and signed my full name.

I don't know what that was really about, other than--well to be honest--f**ing with his head. I send a friendly note; he sends a friendly note; I respond with basic info and a suggestion; he responds icy cold. So I bounce back with cheer.
I didn't think he would take well to the suggestion that we handle our mutual finances away from our mutual home, but it makes it a little less likely he will make the situation as uncomfortable as he did last time.

So...taking my own roller coaster and dumping it on him? or just trying different things? remember, we are almost totally NC so I don't have much opportunity to try things and see how they work.

Am I just being a jerk?