Maybe I'm miscommunicating something... I haven't changed THAT MUCH IRL w/in the last few weeks. My journaling and venting here, prior to that, was just that... complaining to the folks that "get it."
I'm not sure he sees anything other than me calling him on his snarkiness once in awhile. Maybe I need to go back and re-read.
Since I've started DB'ing (REMINDER, A YEAR AGO! ARGH!), I've pretty much followed "the rules" to a T! I'm ALMOST always:
-- Dressed showing effort -- "Presenting" well (hair, nails, make-up) -- Smelling nice -- Incredibly pleasant, and positive -- Welcoming and a nice place to call "home" -- Considering H when cooking, shopping, etc... -- Maintaining distance (when he's gone, I rarely call/txt him more than 1x/day, and, if I do, it's logistical/kid related) -- Doing my "own" thing w/my career (but not letting it interfere w/maintaining a nice home environment) -- GAL - I have lots of girlfriends.
None of that has changed... the only thing that's changed is, really, is my reaction to him being a bit snarky (and usually only if he's tired).
Maybe I do need to re-read.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
G, may I ask what your path is? the 1 sentence version.
and I agree with G.
Mind, can you reflect back on all your DBing and let us know if there has been a span of time where you were truly happy? I know that you've GAL'd, but reading a recent post where you said you hide those tears and sadness by walking away, or going to another room, whatever, I'm just wondering if it's always been that way. I know this is tough, but I really feel that this is important too. I really believe that my M was healed quickly because of my faith in God, and the faith I had that my life was going to be awesome! Sure, there were days where I struggled and was sad, (for the first couple months I was aweful!), but I got to a point where I was almost excited about what man God was going to give me, and I didn't know if it would be my H or not.
My point is, the less tears/sadness that you have to hide from the WAS, the easier it is. They know you, they've lived with you for years, so they are going to sense those times of sadness. Maybe not every time, but I'm thinking they have to know, and that sadness can be a contradicting action to our DBing. Does that make sense? I could be totally wrong, but I do believe this had a great impact on how my sitch went. And really, I have to be right because the opposite, doing more tears/sadness, we know, doesn't work at all!
So, this is why I ask that question. Right now, you are getting yourself back which is SOO SO important, and part of that step is about you having faith in your future! Be excited for what God has planned for your life! The less sadness you have and the more excitement you have, the more he will be drawn to you and want to be a part of it, cause girl, his life sucks for him too right now but he doesn't know what to do about it!
and fyi, I won't let you give up yet either. at least not until you've tried to seduce him.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
ST - I have not been, even a teeny bit happy, since 12/07.
Also, maybe I'm a little dense here, but I don't understand the point you're trying to make... Are you saying I'm focusing on how awful this is, instead of what good can become? (help!)
I literally LOL'd your last sentence. You're the best.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I wish you could do the chat thing on here! I just noticed we're on at the same time!
okay, so all those things are good that you have listed.
you listed things that you've changed that your H didn't like before and thats good too.
have you listed things about your H's top 5LLs that you have tried to show him love in those ways?
you know, why don't you see if he would do the short quiz for that? and if he doesn't want to, then just act like it's no big deal. Just tell him you ran across this and was curious what his results would be. ??? maybe even do the kids first and tell him about it and act excited about it and excited for him to do it.
just a thought.
one thing to note. there was a period of a couple months (I know it's way shorter) where my H was just doing the same as your H. he actually had the OW still around but had been spending way more time with us and less time on the phone with her (she lived in another state). My point is, I didn't really see a huge difference before he wanted to come back. It was almost a shock when he text me to tell me he wanted me to be his wife forever. We never did ILYs, and he didn't show me that he really wanted me. BUT, the only difference I remember between you guys and us was what I said already (about being sad) and me flirting with him. I was even sending some sexy pics of me to him.
So, I really feel that if you want a change in the R, then a change needs to be made. But first, you just got your health back, and your getting you back, so keep on this path and start building that faith...and then when your ready, I really really feel you need to work on the flirting if you want something to happen.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I literally LOL'd your last sentence. You're the best. thank you, you are quite awesome yourself
ST - I have not been, even a teeny bit happy, since 12/07.
Also, maybe I'm a little dense here, but I don't understand the point you're trying to make... Are you saying I'm focusing on how awful this is, instead of what good can become? (help!)
okay, then IMHO, this is a big part of why your stuck.
I'm not saying your focusing on how awful this is, but if you want your H to be drawn to you, and for him to come to a conclusion that he wants in your life forever, he needs to see and feel your happy.
think about it. a WAS leaves a LBS because the have hurt and haven't FELT love for them. Either the LBS can show sadness or they can choose to live their life with meaning and with joy. (fyi, happiness does NOT come from your spouse, and that's why people's M's have problems, we expect our spouses to make us happy and that won't happen because we are all sinful humans)
So we have choice A) the sad LBS- or choice B) the joyful LBS
who would the WAS want to go to? obviously they are looking for happiness because they weren't happy and that's why they left, so why would they go to choice A? they won't. The best chance a LBS has is choice B.
But, there is even a choice C) where you are. you are doing all the things to DB and making great choices, but your still carrying around this sadness and so you leave mixed signals.
This, is, imho, the reason why your H hasn't left, but he hasn't committed either.
does this make better sense? I know that you are trying so hard, but with you being honest and saying you have not been happy, this is why I make this conclusion. I'm not saying I was happy all the time, but I truly remember my joy. I know it was all God, and I give glory to him for the speediness of my sitch. Sometimes I wish that it hadn't been that way so I could understand more the hurt that others are going thru like you, and like SMW (who by the way has gone for 2 years now I think?)
anyways, in order to lose part of that sadness is by doing the actions. You are GALing, that is good, and are you truly letting expectations of your H go? are you looking for him to validate your self worth or are you looking to God? Do you love yourself? Do you have faith that the future is bright no matter what happens?
I know you can't just turn a happiness light on, but it's the actions and your faith that will help.
I'm also not saying that if you stay where you are that your M can't be saved, but I do believe that it will prolong your sitch, as you have seen so far.
does this make more sense? I'm not always good at explaining my thoughts!!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
thanks G. just wanted to understand what path you don't want them to go on, and didn't want you to have to go thru your whole sitch for me to understand. it's okay if it's too much to explain. maybe sometime I will get the chance to go to your thread.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
