Calling out the Piecers

[mindfull]

Amen! (Sorry, I don't know you, but you sound superb!)

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Head cleared and time to run the gauntlet.

Replied to her that a few things a striking a serious chord that we'll need to discuss.

I'm not going to lose my sanity over this. She needs to ante up and abide NC, with all of them, period. I don't give a rats ass if she has no other way of getting to work. She got herself in this mess, she'll have to figure a way out. End of story.

I'm not sure if she's going to like the person I've become as result of this whole process. I'm no longer the lay down, take it for the fate of peace person taht she ran amock over. To coin the phrase: no more mister nice guy. She has sh!t to prove, and she's gonna do it my way or hit the highway.

I agree with the first paragraph, Dday -- you know that. That being said, the way you ended this is troubling, and NOT the attitude with which you want to head into the Piecing minefield.

Puppy

[dday101798]

Sorry puppy, call it the WAS instilled in me? Call it the 180's?

More so the 180's. When I was packing things up for XW after she left, I came across a ton of notes from when we had started dating back in '97. To my dismay, a lot of them were chocked full of apologies for arguements we had gotten in to. Most silly for the most part, but all had one common sentence in each and every one of them: "we're both stuborn and bull-headed".

What dismayed me? Simple, that stubborn and bull-headed person I was that was half the founding source to forge a relationship, a marriage and family...............

Became a wuss.

A TV iconic, Al Bundy "yes dear", "I'll do this for you, so long as you're happy and the cost is I'm miserable" type mentality.

And where did it get me?

Friendless, drinking, depressed, losing nearly every worldly possession, in counciling, all essentially family-less and most of all DIVORCED and left behind while the one I layed over to appease ran off with someone else.

So suffice it to say, that stubborn and bull headed me came walking along and saw the pathetic wuss of a "man" laying there, sobbing, picked him up, brushed off his coat, while chuckling, 'look at you man, you need me'.

Thus again, I'm sorry, but seriously, if she thinks she's getting the plain old wussy me I let myself become, she's got another thing coming. Being that person, I lost her and my dignity. Being the person that DB'ing reminded me of who I was and to be again, FOR ME, may lose her again (or strike her fancy), but NOT my dignity.

[karen43]

Dday, I agree that NC is important. OM should not be driving your W to work. Taxi, bus, sometimes friends, I assume you could help her out sometime? Can she also get a license (think you said she didn't have one), and start driving also?

I think the WAS don't realize the kind of pain and stress we go through at the time; they're in la-la land themselves. Hopefully, some of that will become obvious, and you should just be honest with her, she shouldn't expect you or your M to be fully recovered in a month or 2 and I would hope will realize that.

[dday101798]

And........

Change well noted. XW sent me a long legthy text apologizing and asking we get together tonight to discuss, and aplogizing some more.

I don't know why it is some of my 'tactics' scare people. LOL, I remember way back in the beginning, AmyC wanted to reach through the monitor and strangle me for some of the things I was starting to do thru 180-ing eveything. But, in the end result, those things I started to do then, laid the foundation for today.

As in this case, I understand your thought Puppy, but simple matter is, you don't know my XW, nor all of me and the things I didn't do that made her walk. I could go through a laundry list of them and one by one, I'm working on them. But, the opinions are sure welcome

[dday101798]

Dday, I agree that NC is important. OM should not be driving your W to work. Taxi, bus, sometimes friends, I assume you could help her out sometime? Can she also get a license (think you said she didn't have one), and start driving also?

I think the WAS don't realize the kind of pain and stress we go through at the time; they're in la-la land themselves. Hopefully, some of that will become obvious, and you should just be honest with her, she shouldn't expect you or your M to be fully recovered in a month or 2 and I would hope will realize that.

Hi Karen,

Hope is all well (or as can be with you).

XW's "plan" at this point is to ride with him until x-mas as the work they do is highly seasonal. She has a few friends working there as well, but do to the volume are all on different shifts, work times. As I said, I can only sympathize with this to an extent. She says at the end of the month she should be able to get a different ride and OM will end his temporary employment there. So, I'm just supposed to live on pins and needles until then I guess.

As part of the plan, she thinks she'll get her license back after paying hefty fees for another uninsured accident through income taxes. She has yet to listen to me that the Federal Government looks at you a whole lot different when your filing status is 'single' and a refund, if any, will simply not fulfill this hoop dream.

There's not much I can do to help her on this aspect. Her work is 15 miles or so west of where she is at, by me, so I'd have to drive halfway to my job, turn around drop her off and start over, not very practical. I put enough miles on my truck in a day as it is.

Anyway, I have been honest with her that this is not going to be an overnight fix as she thinks. She does not yet seem to understand how that even if what she says is true and a ride is the extent of their interaction, how it effects me. How her continued interaction with that family effects me. And, I had a thought, and I know it plays into the OP handbook. She is a very attractive woman. Very flambouyant, grab the attention of the room type personality. I can not fathom for one second OM just sitting there and "respecting" her feelings towards me that she says completely inhibits their ability to have a relationship, I call B/S on that, whole heartedly.

[edit]

I'm sure the very thought of I was with a person of previous interest last night reminds her or gives her inkling to how I am feeling about her an OM. And that perhaps the very fact I was open and tranparent as can be about it gave her some re-assurance she can offer back in return.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

DDay,

I'm not going to lose my sanity over this. She needs to ante up and abide NC, with all of them, period. I don't give a rats ass if she has no other way of getting to work. She got herself in this mess, she'll have to figure a way out. End of story.

I'm not sure if she's going to like the person I've become as result of this whole process. I'm no longer the lay down, take it for the fate of peace person taht she ran amock over. To coin the phrase: no more mister nice guy. She has sh!t to prove, and she's gonna do it my way or hit the highway.

Welcome to the fun world of piecing. And you thought it was going to be easy.

I am pretty sure that no one is suggesting that you lie down and take it. That you shouldn't be firm. I'm pretty sure its the tone, cause that is what I am worried about.

Her actions are definately coming up against the boundaries you established, but there are better ways of being firm without being an assshole too.

You got hit hard with some information...and you are letting your reaction control you instead of you controlling your reaction.

Is that what you want?

I am not saying lie down and take in the rear end. I am saying that there is a better way of telling her not just no but fukc no about riding in the car with him.

"Let me get this right? I want to trust you, you want me to trust you, but you cannot understand why I would have a problem with you riding in the same car with the guy you had an affair with? Do you know how all the marriages that survive an affair managed to survive? No contact, nothing. Not even in emergencies."

Pup has 6 years of advice to pull from.

I'm going to tell you something that you may not like. You aren't unique in being here. Your laundry list, I am willing to bet that the people here could tell you the top three reasons very quickly.

You're right we don't know you or your wife. Or the hundred of other WAS/MLC and LBSs who all have similar problems.

This piecing is harder then standing, because it takes both of you to want it to work, and you can fukc it up just as easily as she can if you arent smart about it.

[Gnosis]

I don't know why it is some of my 'tactics' scare people.

I know how that feels.

[dday101798]

Maybe the 'use' of the boards changes from forum to forum?

Everywhere else was, if you need to vent, rant, journalize, say it here and not to your S. Yes these are the thoughts behind my actions but not neccessarily how they will be carried out

I realize I'm not the most well vocalized person around, but do you honestly think I'd address my XW word for word this way? No, I'm getting it out here versus with my XW so I don't "fukc it up just as easily'?

I don't know, maybe I just need to shut up.

[Hope4us]

Dday, I don't think you need to shut up. IMHO, piecing is a totally different situation than what you've been going through for a long time. It requires a different mind set and I think that's what everyone is trying to help you with.

Look, it's only been two weeks since the turn in your sitch. That is still VERY new. A good solid recovery of a marriage will take pretty close to two years.

It's a marathon, not a sprint. Take what everyone is trying to say to you with it's intended purpose. We want your marriage to work and are trying to give you advise to help you along the road that a number of us have previously traveled. Learn from our mistakes so you don't make them.

Heck, even that hard azz Puppy complimented me not too long ago about my patience and compasion AFTER my W's A was busted. I took that as the biggest compliment I'd ever received!

I'm all for your boundary of NC. It's ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY before your relationship with your W will be able to move to the next level. But also realize, your W is dealing with a whole bunch of chit right now too and if you want to make it work, a different mind set is required than what got you to this point.

Make sense?