Calling out the Piecers

[Gnosis]

What really blows is I really wanted to spend some time with XW this weekend. Doesn't look like that'd be such a good idea. I just miss her soooo much and there is no question at all she feels the same. This is all just so ackward.

I get it. Can't respond to much else right because I need to get my butt in gear and focused on my own sitch.

Does it blow? Really? Too bad. Suck it up. This is good. Give her a chance to miss you too. The sword is double-edged. In your sitch I'd take the opportunity to pull back a bit for a few days and let XW chase you. She has to feel like she's working for it.

[WalkingMan]

Yup, touch an go. Take it slow and ease into things. Be mindful of yourself and don't get too wrapped up in things. Stay on target with those 180's, because they have had more of a part in this than you know. Keep it up!

[dday101798]

Thanks guys.

Gno, sorry your recording didn't become of any use in your sitch, then again, did you really want it to be?

But yes, I understand that I need to just let this ride it's own pace. It's just so dang hard, and now I'm finding myself only thinking of being back with her again, which IS NOT good. Sure it's good to lament, but this more of an obsessing. Then again, it's been brutaly cold out too, so can't really do much of anything outside the house and I'm limited to what to do inside. Sure, some painting and all, but that doesn't take up the time like outside work does. Gotta find something to keep me out of trouble.

Another side note, and not sure if it's on purpose or what, but all the communication between XW and I has cut down on mine with the kids. But, after seeing S11 so happy Wednesday night that he could tell things are looking 'good' between mom and dad, maybe that is a good thing for them too? I know S12 needs smoe adaptation time. And they will both be in their glory come Christmas and we're all planned to be together. Sure, material presents are going to be on the sucky side, but they are SO looking forward to all of us being together again.

[TulsaTime]

Hey D-day,

Congrats on how things are going for you!

I may go back and read your threads but can you summarize your sitch for me?

What things changed for and in you that helped draw W back? Was it tough love, unconditional love, boundaries?

How did you interact with her while hoping for a reconciliation? What attempts did you make? Did your faith help?

Thanks in advance.

[dday101798]

TulsaTime,

Thanks!

Summary, the short, short version: Like so many here, We drifted apart in our M without realizing it. MIL died and sent XW into a perhaps MLC? As she went further and further away, I shut down, on her, on the kids, the whole nine yards. Enter her A, and the show was pretty much over, nasty D and there ya have it.

What changed? Well, XW cycled every 3-4 months wanting to talk, and try to figure out what happened, but the conversations would never last more than an hour at best and head south. I in turn since the last attempt in the summer, attended IC for myself (something she begged me to do for years), and just kept picking myself up when I was down. I then just finally let her go, completely. Didn't care anymore. Stopped looking over my shoulder to make sure she was ok and started to go about my life, essentially, I became the WAS.

XW as said, had many many times try to make peace, but never understood, I just simply couldn't be friends with her while she was with someone who helped her tear our family to shreds. The whole while, she was miserable, it was easy to tell. But she was never the less still full of this anger and angst, that, well, as D'd people made no sense to harbor, and I called her out on it, time and time again. This time, she finally must have realized the same.

We have a helluava mess to clean up, but, I'm fairly positive it will pan out. A month ago, I didn't see this possible at all, and I'll be honest, just the same as when I thought we'd never be even remotely where we're at now but had a sliver of hope, now that we are here, I do have a sliver the size of Rhode Island to watch out for a knifing. I don't think that will happen, but, you can never be too cautious in these situations.

So, yeah, a little tough love I guess, even a little unconditional, I let the OM thing go after having fully realized all the things I had done wrong. So, I started to not blame her for not wanting to be with me, hell, I was a mess and half the time didn't give two licks about her, who would want that?

Interaction, well, far and inbetween. When we did, like I said, I was infuriated by the A and OM. I made no true attempts, that was pretty much on XW. Our last major one was last New Years, but she shelled up, wish she ahdn't we'd probably not be D'd, but I've said over and over, I think we needed to be in order to get, well, here.

[mishka422]

Hope you are having a good, warm, indoor weekend!

[dday101798]

Hey Mish,

I had a good weekend, hope yours was as well. I'll try and catch up on my "surviving" friends later today, but, I'm really backed up with work, so this will probably be my last post of the day for a bit.

The weekend, well, productive, got all my painting done in my "makeshift" bedroom. Then my cousins and I touched up a pretty bothced pain job in the living and dining room. My cousin hd painted them a while ago, but didn't know how to tape the ceilings and stuff, so it was pretty bad looking. It was kind of ackward to do as that was XW's specialty, I'd do the bulk of wall painting and she'd do all the high detail stuff. But we managed. Then hung some pictures up and made the place feel homely.

On the sitch side. Things went ok. We had a mis-understanding Saturday night. XW wanted to get together, but said she had to wait on hearing from one of her friends as to what they were doing. I never heard back. Since the weather turned icy, I opted to just grab a pizza for my cousin and I and watch a movie. Here's the funny part, I had told XW about a local pizza place with amazing pizza and does karoake on Saturdays, even invited her earlier in the day. Apparently she misread a message and thought I was out without her, then an hour later texted me several times asking if I was out with someone else (although I did get an offer I declined). Hmmm, jealousy.

Anyway, XW spent the bulk of the weekend at 'our' house, and apparently thought I'd come over. Still isn't getting the picture that I will not go back there, ever. We did some flirting texts though about our tub again, after I told her I wish she wouldn't be in that house. She says she mises the tub, I said, given the chance we could ahve another. Somehow the question came across from her about getting a hottub suite and I blew her mind by asking when she'd want to go. I always refused to go sighting the nature of such places. She was like "seriously?" I said yes, she then then said, "but you always never wanted to go". I said somethings change when you lose something important to you. All I got back was an "xoxo"

Yesterday, nothing much. Went shopping with family and to bed early. Did have yet another OM related conversation, mainly his sister, our maid of honor. XW asked me to go to 'our' concert with her, and OM's sister and husband as we used to. I respectfuly delcined and we talked about why, sanely. Much the same, XW propsed spending New Years together, as her and her friend are planning a get together with "everyone" there. But of course at 'our' house, and involving a few "everyone's" I care to never have antyhing to do with again, so, we'll have to see how that plays out.

[dday101798]

<journal, rant (I'll do best to censor myself>

Hitting a MAJOR roadblock in progress.

Progress as of this far has been great in bringing closure to our past MR problems, no doubt. At the same time, we know our spark has never left and still have very deep feelings for one another.

However, OM not being gone in all shapes and forms is really eating away at my sanity.

First off, I sympathise to an extent that XW can not drive and all her other friends she works with are now on different shifts for the holidays. Thus, OM is the "only" ride she can get to work. She swears up and down that nothing transpires, and that they don't even speak in the car. That's issue one.

Issue two, their entire relation to one another and his family as previously described. I wish that she have NC with the entire family as OM's sister was our maid of honor and allowed them to procreate their A. Now, yesterday, I'm balancing my checkbook, and as always reviewing my checks paid, and I blew a gasket last night when I found out that the last child support check I gave XW was cashed by OM's MOTHER! Bullsh!t!!!!

Then, the new developement as of this morning: I'm running late for work, so since I don't respond to XW's texts right away, she just keeps sending me random tid-bit messages. Yesterday afternoon, XW said that she wanted to get together last night. I figurd, sure, a couple of drinks after the kids are situated for the night won't hurt nothing.

Well, after a ackward time on my end where a previous dating interest whom is friends with my cousin was at 'my' house and didn't really want to leave, of which I confessed to XW as she could tell in my voice something was up, that yes, I had interest in this woman, even was invited out as recently as Saturday and have declined. Anyway, it was getting a bit late in the night, and XW said she wanted to watch wrestling and just relax. OK, fine no biggie, we'll reschedule.

So, XW randomly texts this morning that she had this "awesome dream, you took me to wrestling and we were partying naked with shawn michaels afterward".

[screaching car tires]

This is my new problem. I had completely forgotten about all the comments XW made about how her R with OM was "open" (to mean she could try to be friends with me for the hopes of more, all while still with OM, that I of course said F NO to). And I had heard things around town that just made me want to vommit on the spot and could simply not believe would be true.

Didn't even think of the above and replied, 'I'll definately take to wrestling but the partying naked bit, umm, yea'. She responds "well I guess we need a threesome with shawn then ahh?". I said, ' I don't think so' as the above rememberance hits me. Then she fires back, "damn it, well I tried" then a minute later, "fine, just jon bon jovi then".

Having enough my last response was 'seriously, not funny'. She's since responded "you know I only want you", then "are you mad at me?"

I really don't know how to respond. I completely shut that out, so much that I seriously forgot all about it!

ehh, smoke break to think.

[Hope4us]

Dday, Slow down. It's only been a couple weeks since you and your W decided to try to make this work. Recovering your marriage is HARD and takes a LONG TIME. Most accounts I've read say if you think you've recovered in less than 2 years, you're fooling yourself.

So your wife is making some sexual comments that make you uncomfortable given the circumstances? Been there, done that. Talk to her about it. Tell her that you realize she was just trying to be funny but given what's gone on, it's going to take you a little longer until you're ready to have that kind of banter with her.

Discuss the things you've heard "around town" with her. And if some of them are true and they're deal breakers for you, then you'll know.

I have to run, but just wanted to comment.

[dday101798]

Head cleared and time to run the gauntlet.

Replied to her that a few things a striking a serious chord that we'll need to discuss.

I'm not going to lose my sanity over this. She needs to ante up and abide NC, with all of them, period. I don't give a rats ass if she has no other way of getting to work. She got herself in this mess, she'll have to figure a way out. End of story.

I'm not sure if she's going to like the person I've become as result of this whole process. I'm no longer the lay down, take it for the fate of peace person taht she ran amock over. To coin the phrase: no more mister nice guy. She has sh!t to prove, and she's gonna do it my way or hit the highway.