Coping with Bi-Polar WAW

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Looking forward to hearing more, CC.

Puppy

[CountingCrows]

I only have a short time before I need to get S7 ready for Cub Scouts. Looks like I'm going to be their new Den Leader (Wolves) starting next month because the current one just took a job in TX and is moving mid-month. I'm hesitant to take the position, because of everything going on in my life. But I've thought/prayed about it and I feel that it's been presented to me for a reason. I'm going to accept the offer/request tonight. GAL...right?!

So, after my W's tearful breakdown on Friday morning and our subsequent visit on Sunday, I get a text message at 1am this morning from her. I actually got two, since I was already asleep and didn't hear it the first time. I replied back to the second asking her what was up, and that she could call me. She replied "Can't call. I'm crying. Guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Sorry, I shouldn't have bothered you."

I replied that she wasn't bothering me and asked what's wrong. Told her that she didn't have to be ashamed to cry...not to me. Tell me what's up? About 5 minutes later, she called me. She was still crying. She told me that she didn't think that she was meant to be on this world. That everyone she touched turned to $hit. That everyone she loved she hurt. That she hadn't ever tried harder at anything before and that she was failing. She told me how sorry she was for hurting me and for hurting S7, and that she knew that I was the last person in the world who wanted to hear her whining about how depressed and lonely she was. She told me that S7 and I didn't need her. She said that she can't ever remember being as low as this. That she had been really down before, but never to the point before where she has seriously thought of downing all of her meds at once and just going to sleep.

Obviously, this scares the crap out of me. She is bi-polar, and I've seen her very depressed before...I've come home to find crosses cut all up and down her arm, found self-inflicted scars on her stomach, watched her put a cigarette out on her wrist (the day I busted her on A)...other self-loathing actions. Never in those times did she seem to be giving up to this point. I've always taken comfort in the fact that she never been suicidal. I didn't know what to say. I was completely at a loss.

I talked to her as lovingly, kindly and calmly as possible. I told her that she still had a family that loved her. I listened to her, validated her feelings, but rejected the ideas she had for escaping the pain. She calmed down somewhat, she apologized again to me and said that she shouldn't have called me. We finally said goodnight/goodbye. Needless to say, I didn't sleep too well after that conversation.

One of the things that W always said about OM was that he was able to lift her out of her depression, could keep her from hurting herself. That he was so messed up himself that he understood what she was going through better than me. After all the late-night texts she had in the past with OM, I wondered why suddenly she was reaching out to me? She admits that she has no reason to be complaining to me about bad decisions that she's made...particularly when those decisions have hurt me so bad.

W came over this morning to see S7 off to school. She thanked me for talking to her last night. I told her she was welcome. She hugged me long and tight before I left for work. I asked her when her next shrink appointment was, and she told me that it wasn't until Thursday. I was running late, so I had to go pretty quickly after she left, so we didn't talk anymore.

She called me at work later to let me know that S7 had called from the school and that he was out of credit for lunch. I didn't realize his account had gone negative, and I told her that I'd take care of it. She tells me that I take such good care of our son and how much she appreciates that. She mentions how badly she misses her grandmother, who died earlier this year. She was one of the only people in this world outside of me and S7 that had loved her unconditionally. (her parents surely haven't shown that love to her). She said that before this is all over, she was going to end up in <local psychiatric hospital>. I said "That might not necessarily be a bad thing." She said that they wouldn't be able to fix her...that no one could.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to approach this situation. I know that I can't "fix" her. She's got a disease that she knows there is no cure for. Her Mom went through it, and now she's going through it too. I know that she's not my responsibility anymore. I know that she's having to face the very HARD consequences of her decisions, and I must let her face them. I know that S7 and I can go on without her being part of our family, but I don't know how I could deal with her not being on this earth.

I feel like I'm balancing such a fine line here. I want to be caring and supportive to her, particularly when she's on such an edge. But I also want her to own her mistakes and face them. I also want more than anything for her to be completely open and honest with me about what's going on. I haven't brought up OM...I haven't brought up our R or reconciliation of our M, and she's not talking about any of that either. I do feel that she's reaching out to me, the person that she KNOWS doesn't want to hear it. She had to swallow a lot of pride to do that.

Well, I better get on my way to scouts. I'll check back in later. For the religious ones here, please say a prayer for my W. She needs healing so badly. She needs to understand and feel God's love, and she doesn't.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Man, and that is a TOUGH line to balance, CC, but it sounds like you did it really well.

Keep us posted. Good deal on the "Den Mother" thing, LOL -- just bustin' yer ballz, man!!! I seriously think that's great.

Puppy

[CountingCrows]

Heheheh...Den Mother. Yep, that's going to be me! I hadn't thought of that term in a long time. When I was in Cub Scouts as a kid, all of the dens were run by women. Now, there isn't a den our pack that isn't led by a male.

W made it over to the house this morning on time. She had gone to the MD yesterday who determined that he had a sinus and ear infections, as well as a strained lower back. She had to take off a day of work per his instructions, which makes her financial situation even worse. We chatted for a few minutes, mostly her complaining about how bad she felt. I empathized with her in a very detached manner, and headed out to work. She was obviously miserable and grumpy, but at least she didn't seem to be as deeply depressed as she was Sunday night.

I'm just trying to get back to detachment again. Back to treating her as a casual friend unless she comes to me wanting to open up about any deeper subjects.

[CountingCrows]

W came over a bit late this morning. I only had about 10 minutes before I needed to go to work. I got a paycheck stub from her so I could visit a bankruptcy lawyer today for initial consult. Was quite surprised to see that she had only worked 19 hours the week after Thanksgiving. Surprised. because she has gone on about how hard she's working to make ends meet, when it appears that she's barely working a part-time job. Seems to me that W needs to get off her @ss and find a REAL job.

I started to leave after about 5 minutes of friendly chat with her, and she asked me if she could have just 5 more minutes with me. I agreed. She was complaining about her roommate, mostly. W also made a comment that I'm sure she wasn't saying maliciously, but it made me flinch internally. She was talking about how she had to go outside to smoke at the apartment (same as our house), but that early in the week, she's allowed to smoke in "her" room. She said she's glad she got a "bedside smoker" (actually not sure what that is). She said she had called up to the "shop" and asked if they had them. When she mentions the "shop", she means the head shop that OM works at. Which means that not only is she still talking with OM, but still seeing him at least at his work. OM's "shop" also has bad connotations for me, because it was in a room upstairs in the "shop" where the initial PA occurred. Makes me sick to my stomach every time I pass by the place...and it's right across the street from the church where S7 has his Cub Scout meetings.

I know in W's mind, she isn't doing anything wrong, as he's "just a friend". But in my mind, it was very disrespectful to mention her contact with him, even non-directly. Part of me also thinks that she was feeling me out and said it just to see if I'd react.

I didn't say anything at all, just let her keep talking for about 2 more minutes and stood up to leave. She asked me for a hug, I complied and left for work.

This morning, I've been fighting the urge to send her a text telling her that I feel that bringing up "the shop" was really disrespectful. But I've resisted that urge. I doubt that I'll bite my tongue if she ever brings it up again in future conversation, though.

[CountingCrows]

Met with bankruptcy lawyer today for initial consult. Didn't get very encouraging news. Seems that even though I'm just a contractor and don't have any security in my job, I still make too much money. I'm right at the edge of the bubble for mean income for a family of 3 in my state.

Sadly, it would work to my advantage if W and I were legally separated and there was a court-ordered payment required of me like child support or alimony (although my state doesn't really have alimony). Just can't come up with enough "reasonable expenses" that would prevent me from paying 15% of my total unsecured debt. Of course, they don't care how much SECURED debt that I'm currently paying and will continue to pay...which is why I'm in such a bind.

Also, interestingly, another way for me to make it under the line for Chapter 7 would be for W to move back home and NOT work. That's part of what got us in this mess in the first place, and I don't see that really being an option, unless she could get a job that paid her "under the table".

I'm more than a little embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Although I normally have handled my money pretty well in the past, I've really had my head stuck in the sand regarding finances (mostly credit cards and medical bills) since the bomb dropped earlier this year. Now, I'm going to have to go begging to our creditors to attempt some type of settlement/payment arrangement that I can live with. Of course, this will leave ME with the responsibility for all of W's debts too.

It could still work to my advantage to a certain extent, should W and I choose to D. This is an equal property state, so all debt as well as assets get split 50/50. I could possibly get her to agreed to leave my house, furniture, appliances and full-custody of S7 alone in trade for me taking full responsibility for the outstanding debt accrued in both of our names. Don't know if she would be accepting to a proposal like that (particularly the custody part). I know that she isn't in any position to pay the debt, so it may give me some leverage. Would almost feel like paying her to just GO AWAY.

[Kettricken]

I'm more than a little embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Although I normally have handled my money pretty well in the past, I've really had my head stuck in the sand regarding finances (mostly credit cards and medical bills) since the bomb dropped earlier this year.

You know, yes, it obviously would have been better if you hadn't let things slide, but don't beat yourself up too bad. Everyone only has so many mental and emotional resources -- when it comes to the Year of the Bomb, *something* is sure to give.

Be glad it wasn't your relationship with your son.

[CountingCrows]

Be glad it wasn't your relationship with your son.

Very good point!

[Awoken]

CC,

I've been taking some space away from the forum for a few days, and am only now catching up on your thread.

I've always taken comfort in the fact that she never been suicidal. I didn't know what to say. I was completely at a loss.

I talked to her as lovingly, kindly and calmly as possible. I told her that she still had a family that loved her. I listened to her, validated her feelings, but rejected the ideas she had for escaping the pain. She calmed down somewhat, she apologized again to me and said that she shouldn't have called me. We finally said goodnight/goodbye. Needless to say, I didn't sleep too well after that conversation.

My W reached this kind of low in her bipolar swings three years ago. I felt some of the same conflict you expressed. Especially the parts about wanting to help/fix her problems, even when you know that can't and shouldn't. I think I handled it similar to you. It was so hard then, and our M wasn't a question then. It must be so much harder with the pressure of your sitch! You are a good man! I'm praying for your wife, and mine too.

Be glad it wasn't your relationship with your son.

You've already acknowledged it, but this is such an important point. Your dedication to S7 really comes through in your posts here.

(Congrats on Den Leader!)

[CountingCrows]

Spent quite a bit of time with S7 last night. When W was here, the house was always trashed. The dining room table was always piled so high with S7's "projects" that we never ate dinner together. W and I would eat in front of the TV, and S7 usually ate in front of his computer. I always hated that, because I grew up in a large family that ALWAYS ate dinner together each night, and felt that S7 was missing out on that family time. Since W left and I got the house cleaned up, S7 and I have been eating dinner together at the table every night (or occasionally, at a restaurant together). It's a small thing, but I think it's important.

Son had several library books from school, so after his shower, we started a fire in the fireplace and read together for almost a hour. He's nuts about astronomy, and we've gone through every book in his school library related to that subject.

After S7's bedtime, I forced myself to not get on this forum until I had at least one more master bathroom wall plastered, and got it done by about 11pm. Two walls to go, and I'll be ready to paint. I'd like to have it painted and ready to tile the floors by Christmas/New Years, when I have several work days off to finish it.

W made it over this morning a little earlier than usual. Spent about 15 minutes chatting with her. W said she told roommate that she wasn't going to RM's family's for Christmas (their previous plans). RM apparently got upset, and W told her that she had a chance to spend Christmas with her son, and that's what she wanted to do.

W played me some of the ringtones she had set up on her new phone. She has "My Name is Mudd" as her primary ringtone. She said it was appropriate. Funny, too...because one of the first dates we went on we "danced" to that song, as both of us were big Primus fans at the time (Les Claypool is still one of my bass-guitar heros).

It was time to go, so I stood up and W reached out her arm as if she wanted a hug. Since she didn't stand up to do it, I acted like I didn't even see it, and told her goodbye.

As I was leaving, she asked me about the bankruptcy lawyer's appointment, and I told her I didn't really want to talk about it, but it didn't look like we were going to be able to qualify/file. She told me she was sorry.

She said that she was planning on getting a better job by the end of January, because she realizes she needs to make more money and get more hours than she is right now, to cover her expenses. Then she says unless we can work things out where I can go to school. I was in a hurry, so I didn't ask her what she meant by that, and I've tried not to over-analyze it.