Hope and heartache

[awest1217]

I am glad to hear you are going to stop looking because you do know there is no OM which was the point of you looking anyway. I really think that once you become ok being you, then things with W could get better. You still seem scared to be alone without things to do. You need to be ok being you so that whatever she does, does not upset you as much. You will still get upset, but not as bad.

Sometimes showing love is by letting go, not filing divorce, but letting go, and letting her learn about herself, and you get to know yourself so that you are happy to be you.

[motherof3]

CTH,

I don't have great advice for you. Just know that I am here and cheering for you from the sidelines. Limboland is a tough place to be.

Hugs.

Mo3

[ClingingToHope]

I haven't had a day like this in a while. I talked with my aunt for a while -- that's expensive, she lives in Canada -- a friend who is divorced living in Virginia and now a former co-worker who couldn't really help me much, I just knew she'd listen.

I think things through logically and the DB theories are so sound and I see -- through the snooping -- that she hasn't found this great "grass is greener" sight. And I start hoping.

But then I feel down about the snooping and it really makes me wonder if I've made any progress at all. Here's a big question I'm asking myself, what if tomorrow she woke and thought to herself, you know I really miss H, this is silly, the girls miss him to, let's try to make this work?

Great and we'd begin the process of R and maybe it would be because she felt I gave her the time and space to figure things out. But at some point it would likely come out that I was giving her time and space only as a show, that I was checking the computer, the bills, the cell phone minutes.

That would end things again, for good.

The three years before we separated weren't great and I chalked it up to her growing depression over a number of things. One thing I didn't realize at the time but do now is that part of the depression was that she felt she couldn't trust me.

I realize tonight she still can't. I have a long ways to go.

[pitinmygut]

Aren't you only snooping so that you know exactly what you are dealing with? If so, I would not get too down about it.

[P17]

The three years before we separated weren't great and I chalked it up to her growing depression over a number of things. One thing I didn't realize at the time but do now is that part of the depression was that she felt she couldn't trust me.

I realize tonight she still can't. I have a long ways to go.

Why are you snooping? What is accomplishing (other than getting you down)?

[ClingingToHope]

A co-worker told me yesterday "I'm still trying to control her."

That's not entirely true. I can't control her, but I have been trying to maintain as much control on the situation as I can.

I have to just let it be and see what happens.

Every day I try to rally around a thought to get me through the day.

Today's is 10 years. If we D, we'll be tied together for at least 10 years because of D7. In those 10 years it's up to me to prove to her she made or is making a mistake by becoming the man I've always wanted to become, pysically, emotionally, spiritually and financially.

So that's my plan of the day.

[mishka422]

Good plan, as long as you are truly doing this for yourself, not so that 'she will see'. What you do, how you live your life from now on are not any reflection on her and she may not pay any attention to it. If you realize that she isn't reacting to it, will you revert to the 'old you'? That's the question to ask yourself.

I found myself reverting to some old habits that I had overcome for a while because I didn't see them as making a difference to my xh (when we were still M'd). Now, I've corrected back to the changes I made because they were really for me, not him.

Yes, you will be tied together forever because of your children, not just 10 years. How you choose to spend those years is what will make the difference in your life. Stop dwelling on her, focus on you ONLY.

[ClingingToHope]

W called twice today. Work forced her to burn her last day off and she said D7 wasn't feeling well and asked if she complained of a sore throat this weekend.

No, I told her. But she still has that persistent cough. She took her into the clinic.

She called back a couple of hours later. She forgot to leave money into an account that our auto insurance is pulled out of. The money was taken, overdrawing her account, and she had to come up with $140 or so to cover the withdrawel and the overdraft fee.

She was asking me for $25 and she was going to drive to get $100 from her mom and she had $6.

She said that's all she had.

I offered to transfer $150 into her account so she didn't have to get money from her mom and I'd just deduct it from the amount I give her on Friday -- payday.

She said sorry. I can't remember if I said anything after that.

I'm happy with how it went. I didn't pick at anything -- I know she hated having to make the call, she feels like I don't think she can handle finances -- and offered to help in a cheerful voice.

Now, I did "fix" things. But in this case she appeared to be looking for help and not someone "to listen."

[Dane]

No expert myself, but sounds like you let her get away with cake eating.
I have fallen into that trap. There is no way they ever no all the consequences of their actions. I have heard of a couple spouses around here having to borrow money from parents to pay rent.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes Dane, a co-worker said I was too nice as well. My thought is, the deduction included my car insurance, and I'm not giving her the money. On Friday, I will deduct it from what I transfer to her on that day.