You know, Gno...ramblings of a WAW... Someone asked me last week if my H feels like nothing he does is up to my 'standards'. And that made me stop and think... Does Goldey raise the bar so high that no one can make her happy? I think not, but it did stop me in my tracks for a minute. Peace. Goldey
I can endure, neutralize and even combat all her other emotions but when it comes to hate I am clueless. If you have any ideas on how to neutralize it let me know.
How is it manifested? Is she lashing out? Is she being short and spiteful?
IMHO, hate is much better than being indifferent. She wants something from you. As others have said and I agree, there must have been some distressing moments for her in the past. You will need to rake up your memory. It could be something very little (to you), but at the angle she's looking at, it can be very hurtful to her. She needs to see that you can relate to her.
Probably there's no OM (unless she can do it out of spite), but those distressing moments are eating her up. You need to take care of that, it can drive her further away.
I needed to go out to do some serious shopping. You're looking at the proud owner of a new jacked up summer wardrobe.
Mindfull: Did W try to call your cell while you were out on Fri evening? M, I don't have a cell phone. I have no need for one. All my communication is done via the internet - voice, chat, emails. I'm glued to the seat in my office about 12-14 hours a day / 7 days a week. All my contacts are international.
Mindfull: On the voice recorder... What was her anger/hate about? From the snatches of convo I managed to clean up it was all about moi...
Mindfull: what you mean by... My W DB'd me good on Thursday Went out looking like a million bucks and disappeared inexplicably for hours... being mysterious and drive my imagination wild. Sort of like GAL and do things for you... i.e. manicure and visit older SIL (3X divorced and lives with the parents)
dday101798: You are on the right track, but a bit to the extreme in nature. I hear you dday. And yes, its going to be extreme because I've become extremely frustrated.
- 180's have not worked. - Patience and understanding have not worked. - Communication has not worked. - Love languages have been met with below mediocre results. - Getting busy with my life has not worked. - Going dark has not worked. - Going dark / NC near the beginning did not work.
So... it's time to change and use the only last resort I have.
dday101798: You did so by going out on your own and giving her a "does of her own medicine", and as you note, she didn't like it. And THAT is exactly what I'd keep doing. Message acknowledged. Increasing velocity.
dday101798: In the mean time, she'll want to argue. And I'll bet about the same repeated thing over and over, right? Then prep yourself with the stance: "what is the point?" Correct. Parameters expected and already incorporated into the master plan. There is no point in processing further.
luvless: It sounds like you have a sense of empowerment (well feeling brave enough) to call her out on a D. Luv, I've been prepping for this. The empowerment has been there for a long time. I've just been holding off in hopes of things changing and a thawing of the ice. The cycle has been repeating too long. It's time for a change in dynamic.
motherof3: Is it possible that you are looking for evidence of something or someone that doesn't even exist? Thanks mo3. Yes, it is very possible. I have taken this into consideration. Should the opportunity present itself in the future full transparency will be on my list of demands (and it will be reciprocal)
Coach: When you fly you are taught to cross-check your decision-making with multiple different instruments. Flying by the seat of your pants can get you in trouble especially when encountering bad weather. Thanks Coach. As events unfold I'd appreciate yours and Greek's feedback. See below about the flying...
Mindfull: What's the next step in surveillance? I'm tired of that game, so none for now. I have other things I need to take care of. If I have free time I might resume.
Mindfull: You need proof, either way, though. Don't F it all up w/anger and hate yet. iwantittowork: watch that you are not doing this from a place of spite and anger, and your ready to live with the consequences, regardless of what they are.
Thank you all for your concern. On re-reading this morning s post, yes it sounds full of anger. I'd like to reassure you it's not. What you are reading is EXTREME frustration and exasperation. The plan I'm following was drafted when I was in a more analytical, cool headed state of mind. I last revised it about a week ago. All I was doing was waiting for a catalyst.
It has been calculated and its design is to create maximum CRISIS over the next week. I HAVE evaluated the risks and the odds are sitting at 50/50. The way I read her is that she is way beyond emotionally checked out. I've been left with no other option and have nothing left to lose.
Britt54: Question. You mentioned that your W did not like when you were not there friday night. Sweetie your question did not go unnoticed. I will come back to it. I'm pretty much in a hurry and would need to think about it.
Questions about Mrs Gno's hate Luvless, Dudess, Wholeagain, Mindfull and anyone I may have missed. Thanks for your feedback and questioning regarding her hate. You've given me some food for thought. To answer them I probably need to write a long, separate post. I will get back to everyone on that.
I hope everyone will excuse me for not being able to catch up on your situations today. It's been busy to say the least. I'm on my way out the door and will return in the early hours of the morning.
Thanks for taking your precious time to respond. Hugs.
I hope everyone will excuse me for not being able to catch up on your situations today. It's been busy to say the least. I'm on my way out the door and will return in the early hours of the morning.
G... Seriously, what could be more important than us?
Dyin' to hear what kind of threads you got!!! I'm a fan of linen trousers, w/casual silk t's, and loafers. (for your climate!) But, I'll also take a backwards baseball cap, t and a pair of basketball shorts! (LOVE clothes... do tell!)
Ciao!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Just got back in. The missus is sleeping... or pretending to... who knows. I'm not paying attention. Can't afford to right now.
I keep telling people to "conquer your fear" and I'm doing my share. It's NOT easy. Am I nervous? Heck, I'm busy crappin' myself... so I guess it must be the right. Jokes aside, this is taking a lot out of me. Its a big risk I'm running, but if the payoff comes through its worth it. If not, then I'm free from limbo with a fresh start for a new life. I'm hoping option 1 pans out.
On Thursday when all this was going down my mp3 player started playing this song: Galvanize (not my theme song). The following lyrics struck a chord with me:
Dont hold back... If you think about it too much, you may stumble, trip up, fall on your face... Don't hold back... You think its time you get up, crunch time, like a sit up, come on keep pace... Don't hold back... Put apprehension on the back burner, let it sit, dont even get it lit... Don't hold back...
My going out on Thursday night was not malicious. It did yield a temperature check on W, but the results were inconclusive. Last night she decided to continue playing the game. I've always liked this part at the end of the song:
World, the time has come to... Push the button... World, my finger, is on the button... My finger, is on the button... My finger, is on the button... Push the button...
So, I summoned the courage and pushed the button to get the ball rolling. I have my own script to follow: Part WAS, part jealousy, part diabolical and part angelic. All of it a battle on the mind. There is a good ending either way, but if it ends with reconciliation I'm documenting everything and keeping receipts to prove my innocence.
Standing there alone the ship is waiting all systems are go are you sure? control is not convinced but the computer has the evidence "no need to abort" the countdown starts
Afternoon Task: Dress smart and visit estate agencies. Select two estate agents to show me houses on the market. Evening task: Be away from nine until at least midnight. Send the message I'm building a social life. Got dressed in black trousers and casual dress shirt and went to see a Christmas carols show.
Purpose: a) To keep me out of the house without making use of the single "family car." b) Send message that I can get around just fine. c) Create mystery d) Confidential
I don't have a great deal of advice to give except to be sure and take care of yourself. I know that emotional roller coasters can take a lot out of you. Stay strong.
Mo3
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
Its a big risk I'm running, but if the payoff comes through its worth it. If not, then I'm free from limbo with a fresh start for a new life. I'm hoping option 1 pans out.
Sure, you are out of limbo, but what if you played it all wrong? That's easy to do if your basic assumptions are in error.
The following lyrics struck a chord with me:
Dont hold back... If you think about it too much, you may stumble, trip up, fall on your face... Don't hold back... You think its time you get up, crunch time, like a sit up, come on keep pace... Don't hold back... Put apprehension on the back burner, let it sit, dont even get it lit... Don't hold back...
You do hold back Gnosis. You hold back on sharing the truth of your feelings with her. That's a terrible thing to do to someone you claim to love. It is deadly to a relatiohship.
Last night she decided to continue playing the game.
So did you.
Evening task: Be away from nine until at least midnight. Send the message I'm building a social life. Got dressed in black trousers and casual dress shirt and went to see a Christmas carols show.
Purpose:
b) Send message that I can get around just fine.
You haven't shared enough of your situation with her for me to get a sense of it, so I will ask anyway. Are you sure that she needs to get the message that you can get around just fine or have you been giving her that message in spades for years? Your retreat, although you do it to get clear and centered, can easily send the message that she simply doesn't matter to you.
I really don't know the answers. Just asking the questions. You're a good guy G and you have helped me and many others. Just trying to help point out any potential blind spots you may have
And yes, its going to be extreme because I've become extremely frustrated.
- 180's have not worked. - Patience and understanding have not worked. - Communication has not worked. - Love languages have been met with below mediocre results. - Getting busy with my life has not worked. - Going dark has not worked. - Going dark / NC near the beginning did not work.
You are having an off week. Take it easy. I know it's easier said than done. You and your W are still living together. There's no sight of OM. Your W wants to stay with you, but there's something that's holding her back. You will figure it out. Could be something MLC'ish, unfulfilled dreams, career aspirations, etc.
Just to give you another perspective.
Regarding your list above, your W is reacting to your efforts. Don't dismiss them as not working.
I have no need for one. All my communication is done via the internet - voice, chat, emails. I'm glued to the seat in my office about 12-14 hours a day / 7 days a week. All my contacts are international.