Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

I haven't had a day like this in a while. I talked with my aunt for a while -- that's expensive, she lives in Canada -- a friend who is divorced living in Virginia and now a former co-worker who couldn't really help me much, I just knew she'd listen.

I think things through logically and the DB theories are so sound and I see -- through the snooping -- that she hasn't found this great "grass is greener" sight. And I start hoping.

But then I feel down about the snooping and it really makes me wonder if I've made any progress at all. Here's a big question I'm asking myself, what if tomorrow she woke and thought to herself, you know I really miss H, this is silly, the girls miss him to, let's try to make this work?

Great and we'd begin the process of R and maybe it would be because she felt I gave her the time and space to figure things out. But at some point it would likely come out that I was giving her time and space only as a show, that I was checking the computer, the bills, the cell phone minutes.

That would end things again, for good.

The three years before we separated weren't great and I chalked it up to her growing depression over a number of things. One thing I didn't realize at the time but do now is that part of the depression was that she felt she couldn't trust me.

I realize tonight she still can't. I have a long ways to go.