bro I don't chime in much lately because life has just been a blur lately but this is probably my favorite thread to follow so I'll throw in my 0.02 cents
It's ok to tell the kids and their puppy dog faces that they won't be seeing mommy on your birthday just like they won't be seeing you on her birthday if that's what she arranges, don't worry, they will understand, they know how to work you because you are such a good dad always taking care of them that they know you will probably not refuse them anything.
As for her nastygram, I would have told her "stop emailing me" plain & simple. She is projecting, as far as her great life and great new relationship because I really don't think it's as great as she says it is, when something real is as good as she's making it out to be, you usually don't have to brag about it or talk about it openly, she's trying to make it out to be something spectacular and it really isn't and she knows it, you aren't pursuing anymore and it's wrecking the dynamic you have between you two. She is used to you pursuing and you're not, she is used to you arguing and you're not, you're probably acting indifferent to her and she always pictured you wallowing in self-pity and pining away for her until the day you die and you aren't doing any of that and that's what pisses her off. I'm glad you told her that it wasn't a good time to come over in the morning, get used to do that and as for the 3rd party location, just say in simple terms "NO I won't be doing that anytime soon, you're a brat and you're getting all angry because you don't get your way with me anymore and I don't care enough to waste my energy in these useless arguments. You drop them off here, I drop them off there, no one says we have to discuss anything during the exchanges. I'll be an adult, you try to do the same thing" ... and that's it.
Stand up to her bro, you're allowed, don't let anyone disrespect you, it's not just a lesson for you, it's a lesson for your kids as well, do you want your son to be treated by his wife that way when it's his turn at the relationship game? If you don't think the kids are watching, think again, they're recording all of it, at this early age, their brains are made to record everything.
Seriously I think you cut her too much slack, when she starts her oscar winning performances just change the channel and tune out - you give her too much attention even with your minimal attention that you're currently giving her and it bothers her to no end.
Read up on 'emotional triangles'. Eliminating them will make your life much easier. Well.. it's made my life much easier though it's hard to do at times especially when the two other points are the kids and their dad.
So ya got a nasty gram? Par for the course. Sad, sweet, sappy, angry, indignant, rejected, annoyed.. just cycles she runs through. Tomorrow it will be something else. Explaining your point of view never accomplishes anything. Validate and "Gotta go." She is still checking for an emotional connection from you with lil pokes and jabs. When you blow up, are 'there for her', make her a number one priority she knows you're still 'attached'. Any attention brings its own rewards.
You're doing good, George.
And even with the kids, try that handy dandy decision making guide..
If it seems right, do it. If it seems wrong, don't. If you waffle or can't decide, don't.
Mom at the birthday dinner? Eekk.. option 3 perhaps. It's okay for Daddy to have boundaries, too.
I meant the dinner. Yeah, your kids would have been disappointed for awhile, but I'm guessing that as ingenuous as you are, you would've come up with some alt. plans for just you and then on your b-day, that would have been far more fun and gotten their minds off of it soon enough.
But no, you're not being unreasonable. You're just being a TARGET. And then you rant when she hits you with her bilious arrows.
So ya got a nasty gram? Par for the course. Sad, sweet, sappy, angry, indignant, rejected, annoyed.. just cycles she runs through. Tomorrow it will be something else. Explaining your point of view never accomplishes anything. Validate and "Gotta go." She is still checking for an emotional connection from you with lil pokes and jabs. When you blow up, are 'there for her', make her a number one priority she knows you're still 'attached'. Any attention brings its own rewards.
This. So much this.
Also, I can only imagine in a limited way what it would be like to say "no" to the kids who want to see Mommy. All I can offer is, despite the preternatural empathy, they are still children, they cannot understand all the ramifications of this dynamic. You are the adult (apparently the only adult in the whole family right now) and it's *OK* for you to make appropriate adult decisions even if they are received with disapprobation. It's no different than "No, we cannot adopt seven pupppies at once." Sweetie, your kids will not hate you; I have no doubt they can feel your love.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Keep on with the sausages and the click, or even better, let it ring, especially when you have the kidlets.
I know I'm coming to this late but have been reading about the sitch SP - how about putting the phone down on it's side, put the CD player on with 'Stand by your man' playing in a loop? Then come back to it in say, oh, 10 minutes and see if she is gone?
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
You're all right, of course, about the saying "no" to kids when it's appropriate. The nastygram doesn't bother me -- it's just more WAWSpeak. I rant about it because I just don't get it -- that or the expectations thing about how I should be evaluating a divorce ("you should," "how come you haven't yet," "when are you," blah blah -- how about "you should sit down and STFU you earth-shatteringly irritating, self-righteous b*tch"?).
But this was Sunday, at the end of a week when either Girl- or Boy-Child or both had cried every single night and when I'd woken up at o-dark-thirty every night with one or the other of them having migrated to my bed.
I just didn't have any resistance any more, especially not with having had to deal with the fallout of chasing her out of the house first thing in the morning, sans meds, sans coffee, and Girl-Child hysterical because she'd broken an ornament for the Christmas tree.... A weak moment to be sure.
And for the record it wasn't a "birthday party" -- it was just an excuse not to cook.
just say in simple terms "NO I won't be doing that anytime soon, you're a brat and you're getting all angry because you don't get your way with me anymore and I don't care enough to waste my energy in these useless arguments. I'll be an adult, you try to do the same thing" ... and that's it.
Stand up to her bro, you're allowed, don't let anyone disrespect you, it's not just a lesson for you, it's a lesson for your kids as well, do you want your son to be treated by his wife that way when it's his turn at the relationship game? If you don't think the kids are watching, think again, they're recording all of it, at this early age, their brains are made to record everything.
Incidentally, this is great stuff.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
