Coping with Bi-Polar WAW

[CountingCrows]

I only have a short time before I need to get S7 ready for Cub Scouts. Looks like I'm going to be their new Den Leader (Wolves) starting next month because the current one just took a job in TX and is moving mid-month. I'm hesitant to take the position, because of everything going on in my life. But I've thought/prayed about it and I feel that it's been presented to me for a reason. I'm going to accept the offer/request tonight. GAL...right?!

So, after my W's tearful breakdown on Friday morning and our subsequent visit on Sunday, I get a text message at 1am this morning from her. I actually got two, since I was already asleep and didn't hear it the first time. I replied back to the second asking her what was up, and that she could call me. She replied "Can't call. I'm crying. Guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Sorry, I shouldn't have bothered you."

I replied that she wasn't bothering me and asked what's wrong. Told her that she didn't have to be ashamed to cry...not to me. Tell me what's up? About 5 minutes later, she called me. She was still crying. She told me that she didn't think that she was meant to be on this world. That everyone she touched turned to $hit. That everyone she loved she hurt. That she hadn't ever tried harder at anything before and that she was failing. She told me how sorry she was for hurting me and for hurting S7, and that she knew that I was the last person in the world who wanted to hear her whining about how depressed and lonely she was. She told me that S7 and I didn't need her. She said that she can't ever remember being as low as this. That she had been really down before, but never to the point before where she has seriously thought of downing all of her meds at once and just going to sleep.

Obviously, this scares the crap out of me. She is bi-polar, and I've seen her very depressed before...I've come home to find crosses cut all up and down her arm, found self-inflicted scars on her stomach, watched her put a cigarette out on her wrist (the day I busted her on A)...other self-loathing actions. Never in those times did she seem to be giving up to this point. I've always taken comfort in the fact that she never been suicidal. I didn't know what to say. I was completely at a loss.

I talked to her as lovingly, kindly and calmly as possible. I told her that she still had a family that loved her. I listened to her, validated her feelings, but rejected the ideas she had for escaping the pain. She calmed down somewhat, she apologized again to me and said that she shouldn't have called me. We finally said goodnight/goodbye. Needless to say, I didn't sleep too well after that conversation.

One of the things that W always said about OM was that he was able to lift her out of her depression, could keep her from hurting herself. That he was so messed up himself that he understood what she was going through better than me. After all the late-night texts she had in the past with OM, I wondered why suddenly she was reaching out to me? She admits that she has no reason to be complaining to me about bad decisions that she's made...particularly when those decisions have hurt me so bad.

W came over this morning to see S7 off to school. She thanked me for talking to her last night. I told her she was welcome. She hugged me long and tight before I left for work. I asked her when her next shrink appointment was, and she told me that it wasn't until Thursday. I was running late, so I had to go pretty quickly after she left, so we didn't talk anymore.

She called me at work later to let me know that S7 had called from the school and that he was out of credit for lunch. I didn't realize his account had gone negative, and I told her that I'd take care of it. She tells me that I take such good care of our son and how much she appreciates that. She mentions how badly she misses her grandmother, who died earlier this year. She was one of the only people in this world outside of me and S7 that had loved her unconditionally. (her parents surely haven't shown that love to her). She said that before this is all over, she was going to end up in <local psychiatric hospital>. I said "That might not necessarily be a bad thing." She said that they wouldn't be able to fix her...that no one could.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to approach this situation. I know that I can't "fix" her. She's got a disease that she knows there is no cure for. Her Mom went through it, and now she's going through it too. I know that she's not my responsibility anymore. I know that she's having to face the very HARD consequences of her decisions, and I must let her face them. I know that S7 and I can go on without her being part of our family, but I don't know how I could deal with her not being on this earth.

I feel like I'm balancing such a fine line here. I want to be caring and supportive to her, particularly when she's on such an edge. But I also want her to own her mistakes and face them. I also want more than anything for her to be completely open and honest with me about what's going on. I haven't brought up OM...I haven't brought up our R or reconciliation of our M, and she's not talking about any of that either. I do feel that she's reaching out to me, the person that she KNOWS doesn't want to hear it. She had to swallow a lot of pride to do that.

Well, I better get on my way to scouts. I'll check back in later. For the religious ones here, please say a prayer for my W. She needs healing so badly. She needs to understand and feel God's love, and she doesn't.