Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

I'm just lost today. I see the success stories and I think that if I can just find the patience I can see this through. Then I see no change in W's looks towards me and sense no thaw and then see she continues to search for a replacement -- now this Match.com thing -- and I wonder what I'm holding to and if I'm just being a chump.

The one thing that holds me back from filing is how my daughters will react. They keep asking if I want to move home and I tell them yes. If they are asking me, I'm sure they are occasionally asking W when she'll let daddy come home.

If it wasn't for those two, I would have filed by now because I haven't been able to find a way to be happy in limboland. I have failed on a number of accounts -- I haven't gotten anywhere on my book, I haven't stepped up my effort at work.

The only things I have done well is find second jobs to help me get through and reach out to friends so I'm not sitting at home.

I have friends who have thrived living along and would take a lot for them to give that up. I haven't found that at all. I want to file so badly just so I'd feel free to fully go out and try to find someone.

I just don't think it's right to be dating while married.

I'm a muddled mess ... and I still have work to do.