Oh..and I was SHOCKED! SHOCKED! that he mentioned D AGAIN! I have made ALL the changes he requested! ALL OF THEM! What has he done? He continues to hurt me and our family! I dont know WHAT he wants! His actions are NOT matching his words!
Oh..and I was SHOCKED! SHOCKED! that he mentioned D AGAIN! I have made ALL the changes he requested! ALL OF THEM! What has he done? He continues to hurt me and our family! I dont know WHAT he wants! His actions are NOT matching his words!
First thing ... calm down.
My question is what has HE changed?
Forget the D ... if he wants one he will file, until then what he says is BS. Ignore it.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
One last thing..I was talking to my mom today because I told her how much it hurt me that he has been using me while he was drunk and telling me he loved me again and that I know him so well and make him smile...and she said swimming, this is not who I invisioned you with in your life. I invisioned you with someone that treats you well, that works together with you, that is there by your side no matter what happens. This is not the kind of man I think you deserve...
One last thing..I was talking to my mom today because I told her how much it hurt me that he has been using me while he was drunk and telling me he loved me again and that I know him so well and make him smile...and she said swimming, this is not who I invisioned you with in your life. I invisioned you with someone that treats you well, that works together with you, that is there by your side no matter what happens. This is not the kind of man I think you deserve...
Mum's are always right
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
I am at the end of my rope. I am tired of being treated with disrespect. I am a good wife and a good mom. I am tired of all of this bs. I want someone that does not hide in the basement, that can be a man and not blame me for all of his problems, that loves me and supports me. I am finally learning to love myself, I have a long way to go but I am getting there. I am STILL threatened by OW but I would never let him OR her know it. She stalks me anyway. Psycho!!!!! But as far as he is concerned..I was thinking today..he has been doing crap like this to me since we were 15...In college he would call me and tell me he loved me and the next day say oh sorry I was drunk. Or say he would show up and never showed up..said he was getting married because this girl he knew was pregnant and he wanted to help her out. I am just tired. I want a normal life. I am tired of the sadness. I am tired of the instability. I am tired of being blamed for EVERYTHING that goes wrong and then trying to fix it while fixing myself. I am tired of him living in the basement and I am tired of him not wearing his ring. I have busted my a** trying to make HUGE changes for him and my family. But it is not good enough for him. I want to be good enough for me! I dont know if he even cares. Part of me thinks he really loves OW and I feel guilty because they should be together. I know he really does not love me at all. End of story. I am just sick of the games from both of them! I want a normal life. 11 years of this has just been overwhelming!
I know you're venting but you don't appear to be doing anything that we've said for you to be doing. You need to ignore 100% of what what he says and 50% of what he does. You're not doing that.
If you come across to him like you are coming across here you are doing yourself no favours.
You need to STOP letting your emotions control you.
The first thing you need to decide is what you want to do - fight for your M or get a D. I waver between the two but I let myself do that so I can understand it. However I am standing for my M until the situation changes.
What do you want to do?
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
This will be my last post as I have deeply hurt someone with the words that I have posted on here. I never meant to hurt anyone. I am a good, honest person and I have a huge heart. I would never want anyone to feel like they were not a good person. I think I said it quite a few times about how I feel responsible for many things that have gone wrong in my marriage. I re-read my posts the other night and I did say very nice things about my H despite some of the negative things that I said. The truth is when you are hurting you say things that you do not mean. I thought I was trying to save our marriage. I thought I was trying to do a good thing. Turns out the only one I can save is myself. If that makes me a manipulative fake person than so be it. I have been a good wife. I have been supportive, understanding for the most part, I have been there whenever he needed me. I listen. I am hurting alot. I love my husband..I do not like the way he has treated me but I do love him otherwise I would not be there trying to save my marriage. I miss the way we used to be and the things that we did together. I want to start a new marriage with him but I am starting to think that I cannot fix it anymore. I have done my part and I am going to keep trying to save it until well until...I am working on forgiveness, sincerity and most of all trust. I want to be someone he can talk to. I feel sick to my stomach right now and I am not sleeping again. Why? Because I know I have hurt my husband deeply. I know that by coming here and posting and following the "rules" I have destroyed our marriage instead of fixing it. It is hard to live with myself right now. I feel SO guilty and I hate that feeling. I feel guilty because I hurt him by posting those things. I just wanted to stop the pain I was feeling. I know I am a strong person but I dont feel very strong right now. I feel sad. Sad that this man that I have loved for so long is ready to toss that all away and for what? I mean really. What is the reason he hates me so much? This board has helped my in so many ways..it is not about the "rules" or being manipulative..it was more aobut changing the things that were not working for me. I did not follow any rules because if I did I would have followed them MUCH better..this is about a wife loving a husband. But today..as I sit here...I can honestly say that this is now about me. Making me stronger and better all around. Not tolerating someone making me feel badly about myself. I am STILL going to try to save this marriage. Why? Because I believe in us and I believe in him. But I am not going to beg or grovel any longer. The ball is now in his court. This is his choice and his decision. If that is not good enough then maybe one day it will be good enough for someone else.
DBing is a very difficult thing to do. It tells us to get on with our lives and fake it if we can't. It tells us to do the very things that are alien to us either because of the people we are or because of the state our M is in.
It's not easy.
Your H is using every single means he can to get you to feel guilty and it's working. He needs help. He needs serious help. Counsellors. AA. Maybe other things. I do not believe he is going to come out of his self-pity party until he gets that. While that party is going on he is going to kick the host until she hurts - and you're hurting.
You don't like the way H is behaving but you are still putting up with it. You let help bully and manipulate you into believing that YOU are the person with the problems and YOU need to change.
I have news for you. You do have issues just like we all do. You're not perfect, just like none of us are. But neither is he. The difference is that you recognise that you are not perfect, have issues, problems, maybe even traits that you don't like. He doesn't. He never will while he can blame shift day after day after day. He does that because you let him. Because you feel sorry for him.
When your H grows a pair of b*lls and starts acting like man, let alone a human being, then you will have a chance to save your M. Until that happens I truly believe you are flogging a dead horse.
What I don't get it why on earth you think that by DBing you've hurt your H deeply.
And I have more news for you. Right now your husband is not 'a good person'. Stop thinking he is.
Quote:
Turns out the only one I can save is myself. If that makes me a manipulative fake person than so be it.
BINGO - you're right. You can ONLY save yourself. By saving yourself you are saving your M. I fail to see why that makes you manipulative and fake.
I think what has happened here is you told H what you were doing (rule number 1 about DBing, you don't talk about DBing), he's saw the forum, save the nasty things you said (and probably justifiably said) and went in a huff and felt all hurt and upset.
GOOD.
Maybe it will wake him up a little.
But it didn't. He then put a huge guilt-trip on you. If anybody is manipulative in your R, it's him.
My advice, go hardass. Kick him to the curb. Get his a$$ out of your hair, house and life until he can stand up and be a partner that you want. Let's face it. If you met that guy today, would you even DATE him? No. So why the h*ll do you want him in your life?
I'm not going to apologise if that sounds harsh. I think it needs to be. You both need a wake up call and until you get it NOTHING is going to change. One of you is going to have to cut this vicious circle. It needs to be you as hubby is too busy manipulating you and feeling sorry for himself.
Last edited by P17; 01/06/1003:10 PM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
