A TALE OF REDEMPTION AND STRENGTH, and a bridge. Suitable for framing and wrapping fish.
The other day, in an unexpected warm spell (26F, it's cold here!) I went for a walk in the snow. All by myself, no thought of running into neighbors, friends, moose, or memories.
I sauntered down the road, admiring winter's beauty, smiling and waving at oncoming traffic, wondering what was for dinner :-))
I made it to the bridge over the river near my house. I bicycled there all summer, many of you have photos of the place, but I don't believe that I've been graced with its quiet winter beauty in four years. Four long, very joyous, growing years.
You see, the bridge is where I walked with my ex husband, the day of the "I never loved you and you ruined my life" speech. After all that, he asked me out for a walk on that super cold, clear, crisp Christmas night. I went.
I asked if he wanted to go toward the cabins, yet he wanted to walk the other direction toward the river. I walked with him, growing into a mild state of panic, starting to hyperventilate, sure that he was going to rid himself of the woman who had been torturing him for all these years. Rid himself in a quick and horrible way.
When we arrived at the bridge, I stopped right at the edge of the road, wouldn't walk out on it with him, pretending to admire the night time scenery, the veil of stars, the sheer beauty all around. My thought wasn't survival, I had no hope of that, it was that my killer would not be brought to justice for this crime.
He motioned and motioned "Don't you want to see the river?" and "It's nicer from out here." I wouldn't budge. He finally gave up on that, and we walked back home, now with me in a full blown panic attack, being castigated for not following his instruction.
But, where's the redemption? you ask....
I went to that bridge the other day, dropped a leaf in the water, and said goodbye again to that panic, said goodbye again to that fear, said goodbye again to that life. It was draining, cathartic, sad and yet beautiful. I will probably have to do that again, one more time, and maybe then a time after that. When I dream of my now lost youth and love, it has become a bittersweet memory, a part of the past that was what I wanted at the time. And I have learned and grown and prospered from that.
I wish each and every one of you the same. The learning, the growing, the prospering, no matter what your particular bridge is, what your Waterloo, what your trials. With strength, beautiful friends, and doodles we can do it. We can do it as many times as we need. Makes me almost want to burst into song! :-))))
That is my Christmas Wish for you all.
J
*Disclaimer: I am not impugning my ex's motives or thoughts for that night, just illustrating my own state of mind.*
