Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Saturday went well too. Took girls to see Princess and the Frog, then church then sledding after sundown.

They both took spills during sledding, but they liked it overall.

We all slept together on the big futon in the basement -- where it's extra dark -- and slept in until 9:30 a.m.

I dropped them off at my old house so they could do a Christmas event with their mom and I headed to a church singles group thing I found out about on Friday.

Alas, I was the youngest person there by 10 years or so. I begged out after about an hour.

I already told W to just keep them for the night. It would have been 6 p.m. or so by the time they got back. I texted her I wouldn't be back until "late."

The next weekend I have them is the weekend AFTER Christmas, but I should be busy enough that it doesn't hit me all that much. I'm working basketball games four times in the next nine days. I have to finish up the end of decade project for work and I actually have to do the Christmas shopping for the girls.

I know what they want and I have my budget. I just have to get there and buy the stuff and then get the stuff wrapped.

The only down thing about the weekend will be the end of it. This message board is my conversational outlet. I still would love to have W to lay down next to.

That's what I miss the most.

[awest1217]

I think that missing having someone there is the worst part.

It looks like you have a lot going on. I would say try the best you can to focus on your girls. For me, with S having the first Christmas he understands and will remember, he is loving everything so that helps me a lot. Focus on them because they will bring the joy you need to get through.

Have a great week!

[ClingingToHope]

Ugggghhhhh. Every day feels like I'm drifting farther away from W and see no way back. She's joined Match.com.

From a positive standpoint, that again means there's no OM.

From a negative standpoint, she's starting to get lonely but is not turning back to me.

Maybe it's my own fault. She looked on my Facebook and saw that I went out with a woman -- in a group of people -- the night before Thanksgiving. I know it wasn't a date. But it could look like one.

I guess I could try to look at it positively in that we've been apart seven months now and she hasn't found this great life on the other side.

But I don't see how we get from "the grass isn't greener" to "let's work on the marriage" if I don't at least try to reach out.

How do I extend the hand without pursuing?

[luvless]

<--sitting back waiting for the answer to this one. It's a hard one!

[awest1217]

I don't know what to tell you. I know DB says to not make the contact or reach out, but one book I read lately talks about how husbands should always try to win their wives back. Wives should just show they love no matter what. I don't know what to tell you, but if you don't like the thought of her dating other people maybe you need to ask her out. You did delete things on facebook and only left the stuff about going out so she may think you have moved on.

[Jstar]

as a lbs i would think that if my spouse was on match.com that they have moved on. you may also think it as a way for her to figure some things out. she may want to see what available men are like and do some comparing to you, in a good way.

also i have a log in for match.com, i am NOT looking to date, I NEED to make friends and GAL. I'm 7 months pregnant and would just like someone to talk to that isn't going to psycho analyze me. I could be wrong for doing it, i don't spend much time there, just curious and go on like once a twice a week. I am lonely and would to have someone to talk to that wasn't about h or kids or work, just nothing conversation that really goes no where to make me feel better.

[ClingingToHope]

Here's another twist to it. Way back at the beginning of this -- about a month into me being moved out, she told me to stop "clinging" to her and to "just move on."

So I joined Match.com. I've sent a few emails and corresponded a little. The fact I'm still married hurts me -- but the fact is the longer I've been out the more I want to work things out with W.

People keep asking me why and I look back at the positive things of the M and then look at the bad things and wonder, now that I've taken relationship classes and realize what I was doing wrong, if we could handle those better.

I just so want a second chance to put what I've learned into use.

Anyway, I went back in to look at my profile and yanked down the photos so that she doesn't come across my pictures.

You know, the more I think about it, the more everything I'm doing is coming back to haunt me.

Another thing I'm realizing is that I don't have the strength that you guys dealing with OPs have.

I know Dottie (DB counselor) would say, act "as if" this will all work out. I'm struggling with that today.

I feel like I should at least make a small effort -- perhaps after the Christmas holidays so she knows it's not holiday loneliness and genuine.

If I'm rebuffed again, then file. I'm not sure I can make it in limboland.

[ClingingToHope]

I'm just lost today. I see the success stories and I think that if I can just find the patience I can see this through. Then I see no change in W's looks towards me and sense no thaw and then see she continues to search for a replacement -- now this Match.com thing -- and I wonder what I'm holding to and if I'm just being a chump.

The one thing that holds me back from filing is how my daughters will react. They keep asking if I want to move home and I tell them yes. If they are asking me, I'm sure they are occasionally asking W when she'll let daddy come home.

If it wasn't for those two, I would have filed by now because I haven't been able to find a way to be happy in limboland. I have failed on a number of accounts -- I haven't gotten anywhere on my book, I haven't stepped up my effort at work.

The only things I have done well is find second jobs to help me get through and reach out to friends so I'm not sitting at home.

I have friends who have thrived living along and would take a lot for them to give that up. I haven't found that at all. I want to file so badly just so I'd feel free to fully go out and try to find someone.

I just don't think it's right to be dating while married.

I'm a muddled mess ... and I still have work to do.

[P17]

- now this Match.com thing -- and I wonder what I'm holding to and if I'm just being a chump.

Just a thought - why not join match.com and 'chat her up' on it? Lie (a little) in your profile (enough so she knows it's not you - or at least has doubts), get pics of somebody else and chat her up. Get her laughing and have fun with it.

What is the worst that can happen? She tells you to move on and stop being clingy? Maybe she will realise you are the guy she met - maybe you can rekindle that stuff you had when you met.

Just a thought.

[ClingingToHope]

Actually, P17, I've been a member since my first month out of the house. W kind of goaded me into it. I just did an advanced search and she didn't pop up. So perhaps she hasn't finished her profile or was just fishing around.

But you know what, I've got to stop all of this crap. I have the answer I've been searching for. There's no OM. BUT she still isn't turning back to me.

I'm out of room on my profile to start a new count, but here's what I'm going to try. It's Dec. 14 and this is the last day I'm going to search her computer and go through the mail.

I love her more than ever, but I love what we used to have and the thought of what we could have if we work at it.

My life today only includes her a little bit and I need to get on with things.