rob668, you are exactly like I was. You are too willing to give everything of yourself to your family. That's admirable to a certain degree, and if there is some sort of crisis, perhaps necessary. But if the family is going along ok, why not keep a little of yourself for you, so you can grow. I try to imagine what my W was seeing, and as our kids grew out of infancy, she got restless, and wanted more in her life than changing diapers, filling bottles, rocking crying babies to sleep, etc. She started branching out a little, and I supported her, but she looked back at me and saw me just stagnating. I was overweight and boring, taking care of my job and the family, and otherwise, plopped on the couch watching TV. Yuck! I don't endorse the actions she took (having an A), but I do understand why she was so tempted.
rob, if the point is well taken are you going to act on it or just continue along with these great thoughts inside your head, afraid to act on any of them?
Seriously I want to hear what your game plan is for tonight and then the following day, you can't just sit on the forums and read & reply, you actually have to take some action, jump off the tracks and move in a new direction - can you do it?
and if you can't do it, that is the man you're wife isn't attracted to, the indecisive one, the timid one, the one who is afraid to take action, the one who is afraid of the consequences or at least the possibility of consequences.
i don't know honestly. Don't get me wrong..i want to. I'm just scared. Like i've said, it's just she and i, the kid is away at school. BTW, i'm in good shape, attractive , good personality. I don't doubt my ability to attract another woman, but as you know , I want my wife. She just started a job working 3 to 8. Until now she worked with me at my home office. I'm certain she'll come home after work and we will eat together. Then maybe some tv, later i'll make popcorn and hot coco, we'll read and then bed. I don't know or have the strength to break this pattern??? any suggestions?
I'm certain she'll come home after work and we will eat together. Then maybe some tv, later i'll make popcorn and hot coco, we'll read and then bed.
Wow, I'm sorry, but I started to laugh reading this. Not exactly exciting!
You're empty nesters, you can do anything you want! Remember, I have three little kids, so I'm particularly unsympathetic to someone who has no restrictions at all!
To start with something easy and simple, how about finding out if there is some live music playing you could go watch instead of sitting and watching TV? How about a local sporting event? Do you have a college nearby? What are your interests? Or should I say, what WERE your interests before you got into this rut?
we do lots...comedy clubs, nyc, concerts, chinatown. two vacations per year , south beach, costa rica. It never seems to be enough. I work hard and i'm always ready to go out to NYC, movies , dinner and drinks. Work nites are usually quiet at home but almost always it's her choice. She claims to like to be home most of the time and by herself reading or tv. So as to give space i try to go out to mall, walmart, home depot, bookstore, brother's house, etc...She's in tip top physical shape and works out daily and quite hard. At nite she's always tired and bored. Psychiatrist diagnosed depression but she disagreed and refused the med (lexapro). So no, i don't think i'm a bore. Her friends and family seem to envy her lifestyle. May be i gave too much and spoiled her. But thats me...I thought that's what every woman wants , a stable, honest, reliable ,goodlooking ,professional man , who likes to have fun.??
Well, that sounds like you do plenty. At some point you have to put it on them, that THEY are the bore! Perhaps as robx suggests, she needs to see what she will lose. I know how you feel, trust me I do, you want to save your M, but in order to get yourself in the right frame of mind, try to step back and see your W as a potential mate. Is she appealing? Sounds like SHE'S the one in the rut.
Maybe you just need to be around less, and start to build your own life up, and see if she gets curious and wants to be included.
Psychiatrist diagnosed depression but she disagreed and refused the med (lexapro).
I've heard that so many times, and it is a marriage killer. Even me, my W said I was depressed and asked me many times to go gets some meds, but I wouldn't. In my case, I avoided it because I had a serious case of clinical depression twenty years ago, and I did go on the meds they had at the time. This was before Prozac and the new generation of anti-depressants. Those meds screwed up my head big time. I was only on the meds for a few months, they had a minimal impact on my depression, at best, and it took me several years to get over the side effects. So I was extremely gun-shy about ever going on psyc drugs again, and whatever depression I had wasn't anything near what I had way back then, so I didn't think it was worth the risk. Looking back, I should have tried one of the newer drugs. Might have helped me get out of my rut in time to save my M.
My W did go on anti-depressants for a couple years, and that's what busted her out of her rut, and unfortunately led to her having an A.
Well, that sounds like you do plenty. At some point you have to put it on them, that THEY are the bore! Perhaps as robx suggests, she needs to see what she will lose. I know how you feel, trust me I do, you want to save your M, but in order to get yourself in the right frame of mind, try to step back and see your W as a potential mate. Is she appealing? Sounds like SHE'S the one in the rut.
Maybe you just need to be around less, and start to build your own life up, and see if she gets curious and wants to be included.
Well ya think?!
Lets see, she has every need taken care of. Something that is so easy and so simple is not very exciting, think about it.
People want what they DON'T have. That's human nature, a basic rule that you will never be able to change.
Rob you give her everything and guess what, she's bored. People around her say that they wish they had her life, why? Because they don't have it.
Do you get it?
Try the trick I proposed, and don't expect results from day 1. You will have to do it for a while, plan on 1-2 nights a week for a few weeks, you'll set up a bit of a pattern where you are going out without her and coming home late. You can even include throwing clothes in the wash when you get home after a "late night" along with taking a shower because you don't want her to smell the other woman on you you want to make sure she doesn't get any "evidence" from your clothing.
She has you right now and she doesn't want you.
Start going out with someone else, and you're no longer hers, watch what happens, seriously if I could, I'd probably bet a million dollar lottery ticket on this.
She will become possessive, attempt to reclaim her territory and mark/"tag" it by having sex with you (or attempting to, remember hold off, don't give it, if you're easy, it won't work).
