WAW and 4 kids

[TrentC]

She seemed like she was ready to walk out the door any minute but I realize now that I am fooling myself thinking that she is actually going to leave under her own power. I agree that if she is going to leave I should just let her do all the work and I have been waiting for that for a while.

But she won't because she is cake-eating, and you're letting her do it.

She knows that legally I can't force her to leave - but seemed like she would do it herself.

Nope, she's got a good thing going.

I have concluded that the only 'something' I can do is file for D. I was trying to put ultimatums in front of it, but maybe I shouldn't and should just move on and get it done.

Setting a boundary is not the same as an ultimatum. Ultimatums are controlling behavior, and are more likely to push the wayward spouse towards the "or else" behavior.

Setting a boundary is about articulating your feelings and your needs. She can choose to ignore the boundary, but then you enforce the consequences.

[tryingtilDorR]

I am moving closer to filing.

I have prepared all the paperwork myself and will go without a L initially. I had counsulted with a few so I have an idea of what to do and what is fair as far as child support, etc. She will likely use a L (she visited one a few weeks ago again) and will try to counter-sue most likely for something unreasonable, which will force me to get a L at that time most likely.

I just talked to an old friend of mine who went through a D, and his wife tried to take custody by coming up with false allegations of abuse and he had to spend $150k defending himself (he prevailed, but at huge cost!).

She had been pretty aggressively looking at rentals, etc in order to move out so I am going to stand back a little longer to see if she leaves on her own first. If she leaves then I will also file for D. It is highly unlikely that she goes anywhere as TrentC said. She has a good thing going. The only time she seems super-interested in leaving is if we have a blowup, which hasn't happened in about six weeks.

Either way (if she stays or goes), it looks like I will file.

For whatever reason I couldn't consider doing this a couple of months ago - I always told myself I would NEVER do this, but I am getting to the point where I just need to move on and have lost hope of things ever changing with her. I am feeling like a WAS now.

It is bound to happen to us at some point I guess - you can only go on in this state for so long I figure and she knows it. I almost feel like she has been waiting it out to force me to this point, but I almost don't care about that now.

[givingitmyall]

Trying,

I understand your feelings. I am where you are. But for the holidays, I would be getting this over with.

It took me a while to learn that limboland might be a temporary place to gather your thoughts, get your bearings, then decide how to proceed, but it is not a place to remain. You know, like closing time for a bar - you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

Someone has to lead out of that place. And sometimes, many times, that has to be us.

[tryingtilDorR]

Someone has to lead out of that place. And sometimes, many times, that has to be us.

It is so bizarre that it works this way in some cases. From the other stories I read on this site where WAW ends up moving and filing, it seems like there is a strong R with OM that pulls them away no matter what the circumstances. In my case, the R is there but it hasn't been strong enough to lead her away I think, or she has doubts about whether or not OM is really worth it at this time and isn't ready to bite off the change in lifestyle. Who knows.

In your case GIMA, your W doesn't seem to have an OM or if she does it is kind of on simmer most likely and not strong enough to make her run away and try to overcome financial hurdles of being single, etc.

At the end of the day we all end up in the same place in this case - LIMBO! Enough.

[givingitmyall]

I think, or she has doubts about whether or not OM is really worth it at this time and isn't ready to bite off the change in lifestyle.

Cake eating. Screams for the introduction of reality.

It won't be easy, but it is required. Be strong, and you can do this.

Consequences. Her choices bring consequences.

[tryingtilDorR]

We got into it a little this morning.

End result is that she told me to find a mediator. I 'thanked' her for being willing to go with a mediator to divorce me rather than go to her lawyer since I really don't want to pay for lawyers if we don't have to.

It will be interesting to see what comes out of it and if we can resolve a couple of issues using the mediator. The big one is that she refuses to work more than 2 days a week like she has done the past 20 years and then I pay her support based upon that. I have told her it is unrealistic to expect to not have to work more now that we have to pay for 2 households, etc.

[tryingtilDorR]

I don't know why I waited this long to do this, but I reached out to OM's GF today to try to contact her to tell her everything I knew about OM and W's relationship. She hasn't responded yet.

I think I never took this step out of fear WAW and I was trying to 'ignore' OM but in reality I couldn't. Also, OM claimed that he was just living with her and that they didn't have a R (but they have a kid together). I never believed this, but when I told W I was considering exposing the EA to OM GF she said 'why would you do that - they aren't together'.

I guess I will find out for real if she returns my message! At this point I have nothing to lose and it just might make this guy avoid doing this with someone else's W.

[givingitmyall]

I don't know why I waited this long to do this, but I reached out to OM's GF today to try to contact her to tell her everything I knew about OM and W's relationship. She hasn't responded yet.

I think I never took this step out of fear WAW and I was trying to 'ignore' OM but in reality I couldn't. Also, OM claimed that he was just living with her and that they didn't have a R (but they have a kid together). I never believed this, but when I told W I was considering exposing the EA to OM GF she said 'why would you do that - they aren't together'.

I guess I will find out for real if she returns my message! At this point I have nothing to lose and it just might make this guy avoid doing this with someone else's W.

Trying,

I think this is a positive step. Keep us posted.

[tryingtilDorR]

I got the GF on the phone and here is what I learned.

I asked her if she wanted to hear what I knew about OM and my W and she said OK. I then explained everything I knew that has happened in last year and offered to show her all my proof. I wasn't sure if she would care because he has said that she was not his GF, but she wanted to hear what I had to say.

She said she knew about OM and W's relationship. She also said that she is NOT his GF by her choice because he had an affair on her (suprise suprise) and that she lets him live there with her so that her daughter can stay home while she works (he doesn't or at least not much). Actually, I am suspecting that this wasn't totally true, but after she heard the full details of how he was acting she might have been embarassed to admit any involvement with him.

I told her that I am sorry she is with this predator and I don't blame her for not wanting to be with him and I am glad she realized who he is. I also told her that W is about to leave her M and that I think he has a lot to do with it, and that many people will know about it once she leaves so she should be ready.

I described some of my W's interaction with me in detail since the A began because I figured it might remind her of what she did with her ex-H before OM moved in with her (I suspect he played a role in her D). I also told her how I had asked him on two occasions to stop communicating with my W.

One other interesting thing I picked up was this: W started spending her lunch hour at work in her office recently which she had never done before. She would always come home for lunch or go with the others fromt he office to lunch. Suddenly she was bringing lunch to work and 'reading magazines' for her 90-minute lunch?? It seemed strange to me and I suspected something. GF (for lack of a better term) said that lately OM and W have been talking 'while she is at work during lunch'. I suspected this was the case! Once again, always follow your gut and don't be in denial.

Not sure what my next move is, but I feel sooooo much better - maybe I can extract a litte paybeck on the SOB. I suspect GF (again, for lack of a better term) is going to give OM an earful about what a dirtbag he is for doign this with a married woman, whose husband is someone he has known since we were 13 or 14.

[tryingtilDorR]

W's reaction follows many things I have learned on this site when it comes to contacting W of OM (in this case quasi-GF of OM but they have a kid together and live together).

W came home from work last night without her wedding ring on (she NEVER goes anywhere without it no - I can't remember her not wearing it in 20 yrs). She was running late and I have a feeling she was getting an update from OM about what I did. Even up to this point I still haven't told her I talked to GF - I assume she knows from OM.

This morning, I told her:

TDR: "I know you have been spending your lunch hours you stay in at work talking to OM"

W: "I can do what I want"

TDR: "No you can't while you live here if it has to do with OM. Are you going to explain to your kids why you don't wear your wedding ring anymore?"

W: "I can do what I want - who cares if I don't wear it. You didn't wear one in the past" <True I gained weight and for several years I quit wearing it but started again about 4 years ago>

TDR: "Did you know that OM had an affair on GF with his skydiving instructor?"

W: <no response>

TDR: "you need to leave if you continue to do what you have been doign with him. I have asked several times"

W: "If you don't like it you can leave"



About a half hour later I got the following text messages after I had left the house:

I think I'll call him today to let him know u r constantly trying to get in his past and to apologize to him for what being friends has caused

I thought this was classic. She always call him a 'friend' and all this turmoil is just because she ahd a 'friend'. I laughed when I read this since it sounds so ridiculous.

Here are the other texts she sent at the same time:

"you know I don't give a rats ass about my friends past. obviously you do since you are constantly trying to dig up stuff"

"OM and I are friends and his past has nothing to do with me. dig all u want."

"Go ahead and make a mediator appointment so we can know our rights for separating"

She never says Divorce, only Separating. I need to inform her that the process is filing for Divorce as part of the beginning of the Mediation process, followed by negotiating a settlement.