Pls help--confused and fearful

[newmama]

DBD, I have mixed feelings about you sending the letter now. It's because your WAH is actively pursuing the divorce and in the letter it says to only contact you if he wants to save the marriage or end it. I also believe his pursuit for a D is fueled by anger and emotion from the OW and OW's ex. So if you don't want the divorce, then why give him a way to ask for one? I could be wrong about this though...does anyone else think it makes sense to be cautious about inviting the WAS to end the relationship for DBD?

Also, I was dead set on D back in March but changed my mind a month later. So you could do. The WS script I think is a compilation of all of the BS's reports and common experience. From reading other's posts on survivinginfidelity or marriagebuilders, you will see all the common traits!

Stall. Do not reply. Where are the vets? If you post something in newcomers they live there, I think!

[P17]

I could be wrong about this though...does anyone else think it makes sense to be cautious about inviting the WAS to end the relationship for DBD?

Plan B / NC / LRT is not about inviting the WAS to end the M or the R. It's about the LBS protecting themselves and setting boundaries. The boundary in my case was that I would talk about reconciling if the third person wasn't around. Otherwise I didn't want to talk to W.

What the WAS chooses to do when given the letter is up to them. If they choose to pursue D, then do be it. They could choose that now. The benefit of the NC in this case is that by the time the D process is final, you will have had the time work on yourself and be better prepared for it.

My view on my NC is that I am going down a road where I get peace and quiet from W. One day the W will come back to me and say one of two things - let's D or let's reconcile. Whatever she says, I will be far enough down that road to handle either situation. That's what NC means to me (and if W wants to reconcile you will also be far enough down that road that you can make the decision to reconcile or leave them behind).

[newmama]

DBD this is a link to one thread about the things WS say to BS while in the A
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=329476&HL=25757

P17, this is what I mean by "inviting the WAH to divorce."
It's from your plan B letter:

I have decided that there should only be contact between us for two reasons. To either discuss the reconciliation of our marriage or the potential end of our marriage.

Now do you see why I am concerned about the timing of her letter? If she is 100% sure she is able and willing to divorce, then she should send the letter.

But she could also just go NC without the letter, too!

sorry if I am being dense or "daft" as they say over there!

[P17]

P17, this is what I mean by "inviting the WAH to divorce."
It's from your plan B letter:

We're looking at it differently I think. All it says is 'don't talk to me until you are ready to talk about reconciliation or divorce'.

LRT is the Last Resort though so to use it you must be ready to end the M anyway. So if you are, telling them you only want to talk about those two things shouldn't make any difference.

LRT isn't about them though, it's about us. But for the WAS it is an ultimatum.

[newmama]

okay, I see the error in miscommunication-- I said "invite!"

So, the plan B letter doesn't come right out and asks the WAS if they WANT a divorce which is what "invite" means! Got it.

[Day by Day]

WAH travels tomorrow for business and will also be seeing his family. MIL called me to say that she will try to get him to see a counselor. Lots of good that will do. I don't see anything working from her or his grandparents to change his mind. Might even make things worse.

I'm going to stall for now since I'm not ready to write the letter. I just found out my dad has kidney cancer.

I don't want to deal with all this, but I know I have to. I do need NC so I can prepare for D. This feels like all too much. I know that God won't give me more than I can bear, but boy does it feel like more than I can handle.

It's weakening me to write to WAH and answer his email about the OW's ex. But I won't. Wish I knew that NC will work in my case to get some relief from his anger at me. I need a break. I'll get to the plan B letter later.

[newmama]

I'm sorry about your dad. I hope he can kick the cancer's butt!
Yeah, NC will help you take one thing off your plate right now, you know? (((daybyday)))

[Day by Day]

Well, my lawyer didn't get back to me today. I MUST speak with her tomorrow.

WAH has upped the pressure for D. He will not be paying the property taxes due 12/31. He has cut off any future support to me. I guess I have to file for financial support.

I think I have to try to make contact. Or do I just do it through the lawyer?

[Day by Day]

He's really pushing my buttons. I'm really resisting contacting him. But this cutting off of money is such a control over me.

This is really pushing me to want the D. He's getting what he wants.

[june72]

He's really pushing my buttons. I'm really resisting contacting him. But this cutting off of money is such a control over me.

This is really pushing me to want the D. He's getting what he wants.

I wonder, if you wait it out a little while longer and call his bluff. Will he really withhold the money? If he does- you can then file and he will really look bad before a judge and in a way you win a bit with the courts. If he "blinks" and continues to pay support- then you also "win" in a way.

I would continue to wait it out and see what happens.
I am assuming he emailed and stated he was not going to pay the tax bill on the 31st. I wonder if this is posturing. Really trying to get you to break no contact and then in essence win control back.

I guess I am saying- definitely a lawyer consult but don't file just yet IMO, see how things play out and what he does. If he continues to send you harassing and threatening emails it only helps your case in the end.