Sheesh.. you mean I'm still stuck on the former spouse? I was hoping I wasn't.
We have a dog, Tiggy, who is somewhere around 13. The vet thinks she might have a terminal form of cancer based on her symptoms, but she's a pretty mellow pooch. He calls her a tough ole gal with a sweetheart face.
Y'all are right though about getting out of my head. It's such a musty place to be.
Hey Gypsy...For me, the holidays bring up stuff that I don't spend a lot of time thinking about the rest of the year. Much like your dream, it's not that I'm dwelling, more like random thoughts (memories) just keep popping up. Not sure if you would be interested...hope the mods don't block me but check out flylady dot net for some practical tips to ending the clutter/chaos that takes over our kitchens, bedrooms, and everything else. You might like her. Or not. Dinner w/ Donna sounds fun. Good for PMA. If you get to the other coast, we could catch a movie or something. Peace.
Well my oldest son is officially done with college, having completed 30 hours more than graduation requirements due to changing majors, changing requirements, etc. It's a very neat feeling to hear him talk about being done. It's as much meeting the goal as a sense of relief. I'm so proud of him.
I met his girlfriend last night, his first in three years. She is very sweet, intelligent and charming. When he said they were going to spend the night, I squeaked.. "In separate bedrooms, right?" "Mom, we're not going to do anything but I am 24." "You have younger sister at home (i.e., I need to protect her)." "If that's the case, then we won't be coming down much, Mom." "If I say yes to you then I'm opening the door for your younger brother. Just give me time to adjust, please."
I talked to my 75 year old surrogate mother who slapped me upside the head, "You dope! You want your kids to come home. This is the only home they have. You don't want to lose them. And sheesh, he's 24!!! You know they're sleeping together. Your daughter knows everything about everything anyway (nodding my head remembering when I asked her what the heck "teabagging" meant).
We went out to dinner and had a very comfortable nice time. It was probably the longest he's sat at a dinner table in ages. How neat to see and hear how treats a woman, the humor and underlying caring. If they say that guys marry their mothers, his girlfriend is an incredible compliment.
So.. I have a new rule in the house.. no coed sleepovers until twenty four. I'm sure my second son will add.. "or graduation from college." He's clever with loopholes.
Thank you.. and I will take the bow! My son who graduates from college at the end of this semester called to tell me he already has a job. It was so great hearing the joy in his voice.. I was so excited for him. Last weekend I was down in the dumps wondering if I was a good parent. This weekend is showing so much for all the kids. I'm just so happy.
Something I wrote on Smiley's thread and figured it was as much for me as for him..
Ahhh Smile Guy..
To have so many care for you.. and encourage with support and 2x4's is a beautiful thing.
As you mourn the loss of your marriage consider that it's the loss of what you hoped you'd had. The reality is far different. I had to keep reminding myself that the former spouse was not my friend, that he did not have my or the kids best interests at heart. Quite contrary to how I'd always perceived him.
It's a multiple front war.. the emotions, coming to terms with your divorcing spouses actions, the reality of its effects on your children.. and of course, the financial, business aspect of it all.
What others told me would be true, was. Close loving 2x4 wielding family members kept telling me to get it over with, that life would be better out of the limbo land of the divorce process. And it was.. unfortunately no cash reserves and a bucket of debt. But it was better for me and the kids although in my mind severing a family is the worst thing possible. And I thought I could wait him out for a better deal but he pulled the crazy card and I folded.
Be all business, no emotion, on the legal end. Know your goals, what's crucial, what you can give on.
Your divorcing spouse is only happy when it's all about her. Your burning sausages, setting emotional boundaries rattle her but not enough to stop the emotional blackmail she oozes.
Here's a concept. Let her be unhappy. You don't need to prop her up. That's probably more of a 'feel good' thing for her while keeping you firmly attached to the hook. You know fish and fisherman. The fishie thinks life's a beautiful thing until the angler reels it back in. Keep the:
If it feels right, do it. If it feels wrong, don't. If you can't decide or waffle, don't.
It's not your job to fix her, be there for her 'for the kids'. It's very hard to let go of the place that spouse has in your heart. But guess what.. you're the only one carrying that burden. She's gone, has been and will be.
Divorce begins in the mind. Divorce her. She is the mother of your children... period. You two have an uneasy partnership whose focus is the kids.. period. Kids live what they learn. If they see that emotional manipulation works, that's what they'll do. If they see that cutting through BS works, they'll do that to. I'd remind myself when things got really tough that doing things right showed the kids far more than I could ever say.
And I tell you, the past week I've been overjoyed in seeing how my kids react to situations. They're wonderful, thriving.. and the impossible.. sharing things with me. For a moment I thought.. this is what the former spouse lost. These intangible moments when the kids turn to someone who loves them unconditionally for the good and the tough. And I'm there for them.. no longer sobbing over the damage being done to my children over the divorce. Just living my life as best I can, as their mom, sitting on my hands instead of fixing, letting them ask instead of just doing it.
Treating them with respect. Respecting me.
Stop looking at the ground and find the horizon.
It's worth it.
*hugs*
PS.. and this post was probably as much for me as you.
i love your prose...but i told you that before.....however,
<<you're the only one carrying that burden>> I am not sure that is the case. I can not believe that the WAS does not carry a burden....maybe bigger than we can imagine. They hide it better maybe?
<<Divorce begins in the mind>> It is ALL in the mind Gyps....proof, there is even a section that is called divorced but not done. I have said this before the paper is just that.
<<Stop looking at the ground and find the horizon. It's worth it.>>
Alot of us spend way too much time looking at the ground....YOU ARE worth it Gyps...you still spend a little too much time looking at the ground....but hey we all do!
