Sunny, I struggle with myself a lot about this. I can see it so I am sure he does as well. I've been reading posts from Gucci etc about detaching and several times I wanted to add that the hardest part of deatching is when you are getting closer with your WAS. When your dbing or however you call it does work and suddenly they do want back or thinking about it. For me it is even harder because during the week I have no way of showing him how great I am ( ) and by the time we get together, I am too frustrated to be a happy, confident woman that he would be attracted to. I am falling back to nagging -not exactly but close enough- patterns. I think that scares him. The possibility of me being the same bitter woman scares him. He is worried he cant pull it thru if I am like that. So, he is flip floping and then...I am flip floping as well... A mess.
I am not just sitting around mopping (Hi Jeff, remember?). I am pondering what was different when H didnt want to go to leave us and go to work, found excuses to delay and stay with us, was calling me to tell me he wished he was home with me...
Our home was then warm and fuzzy and he felt great because he was such a good help to me with the 2 babies and a great dad, that I was constantly commenting on how unbelievably supportive he was. That resulted to intimacy and connection. It is a cycle really... Pretty standard situation according to everything I ever read.
Now, I am walking on eggshells, not because of him, one day I want him, depending on his actions/mood, the next I am afraid he is BSiting me and I pull back. We each feed each other's insecurities and that alone is the way to the great D. I can recognise it, I see it when I contribute to it but I still havent found a way to stop it from my side. And knowing H and his character, if I could manage to keep focused and at least act confident in him and us (not trusting-confident) it would probably help him immensely to do what I want him to. With no pressure.
Do I make any sense?
An example: Progressively the last 2 months I've lost interest in my looks. I take care of myself but not as a "female". My... vanity is gone. I go to work and dont give a chit how I look. Dont get me wrong, I look ok, but even my bad hair days have multiplied lately...
I am running around scared that this is another meaningless attempt. Fear is a horrible advocate, I can tell you that! And you know how it goes from there... K
Remember the movie with the crazy Italians John? Moonstruck with Cher and N. Cage? I LOOOVE that movie. Her dad -old man- is having an A and at point her mom I think says men are having affairs when they get old because they are afraid of dying. So Olympia Doukakis approaches her unfaithful H, looks at him and tells him :no matter what you do, you are still going to die!! (she won the Oscar for that movie, she dbed the A for sure!)
Real life friends: my bgf, the one that came to my rescue the day I found the emails and the one H called the next and cried and apologised called him.
She told him "I've told you before that I am looking for Maria's best interests and I dont give a chit about you, so, give me now the scoop so that I know how to help her out as a friend, I am not emotionally attached, I can handle the truth, what's going on?"
And he...spoke to her!! For 45 minutes. He said he feels no matter what he does or doesnt do, he feels he is screwed. He said he spent 4 days to find the purse for me and another 2 thinking about our anniversary and didnt do anything and obviously screwed up both times (since I told him "I dont need expensive purses, I need things from the heart".
He said I call him, he sees my number on the screen and his stomach gets in knotes (spelling?) He said "Maria maybe calling just to say Goodmorning and until I hear her tone, my legs become jelly".
He said he is avoiding sex cause he knows I will have flahsbacks and he cant handle that. Actually he said he is afraid that if no matter how he approaches me to soothe me I will push him away and we will end up bitter and disappointed.
He said he 100% committed to me, head and heart. He said I am the only one in his mind, I am good for him, I make him a better person, he has no doubts what so ever. He said he loves me with all his heart but he feels like walking in a minefield.
He called himself a wuss and an malaka and that he doesnt know which way is up. He said he is been thinking about things all the time he is awake and he knows a lot of his blockage is due to enormous guilt.
He said he cant even direct a conversation. He wants to say things to me and when he sees me wander and get dark, instead of manning up and leading me out of "it", he chickens out worried that whatever he will say will make it worse.
He said, he needs to do something with time/jobs. He cant postpone that anymore.
He said he wont sent the NC email to her because that will be a contact letter. They have no contact since the email he deleted and never responded to and he wants to have nothing with her,not even a hello.
He asked for her advice and she told him to be consistent. To find time and take it easy by not letting time by without connecting to me. He said he has so much to tell me and cant even lead a convo.
He said he is scared of the fights. He doenst want to fight with me. He hates that. He said that is his number one motive of acting the way he is. Trying to avoid the fights. He prefers to stay low. She told him to lead the things in ways that fights are avoided. Not avoid our life together to avoid fights.
He said he is scared of me and my reactions (I swear I havent touched him and I am not THAT big!!)
She asked him what now? He said he doenst want Christmas time to pass like this. That it is a pitty for both of us.
She told him many things I cant explain in English. They both agreed that my moodiness drives both of them crazy but she noted that he should realise it is understandable. He said it is.
My GF called and said she believes him and if this is the man I want then I should accept him being a wuss, at least for now and chill. K
Wow K your latest post was bringing tears to my eyes then, seriously I feel so emotional... and then i got to the bottom of it and thought (excuse me for a minute here!).. vindicated! I knew it (thanks Kat! )
I dont know why, but I feel I 'get' your H and I still have sympathy with him, god knows why after what he's put you through ! And I still feel he is being truthful about this NC with her.
You have to take that on board, those things he said - He doesnt like the fights and yelling and he is afraid of your reactions, of doing/saying the wrong thing and making it worse. He is paralysed with guilt etc.
Anyway, I wont repeat what my long post said before but I'm still pulling for this marriage 100%!
I'm so glad you got this information from your BGF (well done her!!). Knowledge is power, use it...
You thought anymore about asking him to come home?
Uranus is in the last degree of Pisces, time to jump off the cliff...xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
) and by the time we get together, I am too frustrated to be a happy, confident woman that he would be attracted to. I am falling back to nagging -not exactly but close enough- patterns. I think that scares him. The possibility of me being the same bitter woman scares him. He is worried he cant pull it thru if I am like that. So, he is flip floping and then...I am flip floping as well... A mess.
)