Can I save my marriage?

[mindfull]

Britt, I'm SORRY for this, but I"m learning so much by reading your sitch. Keep up the good work of late. Seriously, your anger will drive your confidence, etc...

GUCCI, STEVE, GNO, TRENT... Thank you for posting all of this good stuff. It is time to create some CRISIS on the home front. THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!

[Lll54]

I'm glad my sitch is helping everyone! That's great! I am very lucky to have the big dogs visiting me and trying to help me so if it is helping others as well that's great!

Quick update:

I feel I have been doing well at my plan that Gucci suggested. I have been "acting as if" like crazy. Yesterday it really got to him. I could tell. Two phonecalls for no reason, and the man came home early. That's not normal these days. He tucked me in on the couch while I was watching a movie, and was my old husband, the one who seems to love me.

But then yesterday of course my new husband comes out. I wake up every morning and never know what I'm going to get. Its like Christmas every day. Somedays I get a beautiful piece of jewelry, and somedays a lump of coal.

H worked 12 hours yesterday so i did not speak to him. I decided to take S3 to the movies for the first time. He loved it and so did I. I had such a great time. So I get home and H is there. No hello, no anything. Just mad. Why? Well nobody knows. Its about 8:00 and H comes upstairs, says a few words to me and takes off. Nice. Hardly says two words to the boys after not seeing them alll day. Just worked 12 hours and could care less about his children. He had somewhere to be and that was it. Just rude. Whatever I thought. I continued to "act as if".

This is just starting to get old. I feel like them man is still running on separation mode. He worked yesterday, so "technically" those are my days to have the boys, so he just comes and goes as he pleases. Didn't feel the need to tell me where he was going or when he'd be back or anything about the children. Just gone.

H comes back two hours later. Still grumpy. Lays on the couch and falls asleep.

My sister is here mainwhile. Temp so cold her car wouldn't start. It was across the street and we needed to plug it in. So I woke H up and asked if he knew where our extension cords are. He asks why, I tell him, says you can't put an extension cord across the street, its illegal. Gets up all mad, gets his coat on, and hat, throws his gloves down, humming and hawing. I told him not to worry about it, I wasn't asking him to help I was just asking where the cords are. He says well I'll go tow it to the driveway so we can plug it in and save your sister $75 dollars from calling tow truck.

Well sister gets really mad cause he is just acting so mad for having to help. She tells him not to worry about it she didn't ask him to help, and clearly he's not happy about it. First confrontation they have had. Well H reacts the way I expected. Says, "fine!" "perfect", takes off his hat and jacket, goes downstairs and goes to sleep.

I know I shouldn't be fearful of how is going to react to me today. But I am. I am scared now that he is going to be mad at me for my sister blowing up at him. Great.

Just act as if again today? I dunno. Help please.

[TrentC]

I am scared now that he is going to be mad at me for my sister blowing up at him. Great.

Remember; you cannot control his emotions, or his reactions.

Just act as if again today? I dunno. Help please.

Yep.

[Gnosis]

I am scared now that he is going to be mad at me for my sister blowing up at him.

Britt, acting "as if" means you don't GAS if he's mad or not. Water off your back. C'mon girl!!!!

If he gets mad you smile, shake your head, shrug your shoulders and walk away... and let him get madder. He KNOWS your fear and he's pushing your buttons. STOP letting him do this and get away with it.

[Lll54]

Okay, so how long do I "act as if"? One day it seems to be working, then the next day not. How long do I go on like this? I want to get throught the holidays. My family is going away this year. We always alternate christmas's. His family one year, mine the next because they live apart. Well this year is H's family christmas. So far I'm included, not only by his family but my H as well.

I really don't want to be left alone on Christmas, so I know I can continue for another week or two. But its hard to have a live in roomate who I love more than the world, and who I just want to hold every second I see him. And him apparently only be home for somewhere to live, not for me. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions have proven that.

[Butterfly1]

I hate to butt in and say this, but DR says it always takes way longer than you think it will. Hang in there. The fact that you see that it is working some days is huge improvement. Change happens through applying consistency through many ups and downs. Many folks on this forum say that they have had to keep up the DB pricipals even after reconsiliation - keep up the GAL and 180 and boundaries for life.

If you set some short terms goals, you can set a deadline for yourself for how long you can keep this up. I would say continue to take care of yourself this way at least to get yourself through the holidays. If it's working, even some of the time, keep it up. Then when you hit your personal deadline, try another new tactic - the point is to not go back to the old patterns.

I hope this helps. I've been separated for seven months, and been dBing for 3-4 months. Sadly, patience is the biggest and hardest thing to do, and feeling like you cannot continue to hold things together on your own while taking bad treatment is very very understandable and common. It's so hard to feel ignored and to see your children ignored - it's infuriating. But keep up your strength. My guess is that is exactly why he does it - to infuriate you so he can point a finger at you. It's the hardest thing in the world, but you have only your self respect to gain by continuing to act "as if". I cought up on your thread last night and you're doing great.

[Lll54]

Thanks Hope, I am okay right now. Like I said I think I can continue this till after christmas. I have to, for the sake of myself and my children.

Its just so hard. I have only been separated for just over 2 months and I prayed every minute of every day that H would come home. Now that he has, nothing has changed. He is still acting as if we're separated. Its hard to have him home and want to do family things and treat me like a wife somedays, and then do the complete opposite the next day.

I'm going to continue with the what I'm doing, but I struggle. I just want to be loved. And if its not with H, then he needs to leave so I can find that person.

He doesn't like to take blame for anything. So you are right when you say he does it to infuriate me and point the finger at me. That's his whole tactic. Some people have mentioned asking him to leave if he doesn't change his ways. But personally I'd rather wait till he leaves. If I ask him to leave then again, its my fault. I don't want to be pushed into that circumstance.

If he is really only home to be my room mate then yes i will talk to him about it, but I don't think I will actually ask him to leave. I dunno. What's right and what's wrong right now.

I am exctatic my H is home, but extremely saddened by it at the same time.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If he is really only home to be my room mate then yes i will talk to him about it, but I don't think I will actually ask him to leave.

And he knows that.

Which is why you're stuck.

Puppy

[TrentC]

If he is really only home to be my room mate then yes i will talk to him about it, but I don't think I will actually ask him to leave.

And he knows that.

Which is why you're stuck.

Puppy

Ding, ding, ding!

You've said that you still fear his reactions. Until you really overcome that -- as in, you've decided that it doesn't matter how angry or upset he gets (unless you fear for your safety for some reason), it's not going to affect you or your choices -- you are going to be stuck in limbo.

[Lll54]

The thing is...I think deep down in my heart I dont think I'm in limbo. The way my H is acting proves he is only here for a place to stay. I'm assuming until winter is over and we can sell the house. He hasn't given me any reason to believe he is home for me, other than the odd kiss, and odd cuddle, and odd touch here and there. That all comes from me being his wife and mother of his children. Its natural. Its not because he longs for it like I do. I'm not in limbo. I'm living with a man who doesn't want to be my husband. I know this deep down. I just refuse to admit it, as I want the marriage back together more than life itself right now.