june, if you have been reading you must know, that I wasnt trying to be mean or anything... You are more than welcome to stick around!! I was using the points you make to maybe see things clearer. Thanks!! And Ali can take it...
Kat, Bobbi, John, we've known each other for long now. Between you (and many more here-new and older) and my real friends, I dont know how I could have made it to this day only being this little insane (hi cuz!).
Dont worry about me. If I could get the damn BoB working, things would be ok!!! LOL I'll be back K
Intimidate??? Why would I try to intimidate you or anybody else for that matter?
It is reality...if the 3 year affair was not a deal breaker and the last few months of him avoiding your list of demands coupled with the latest anniversary debacle have not done it....then I have a hunch that you need to lower your expectations...for your own good....accept him for who he is.
Joking John. He did pull A LOT of crap on me didnt he?
I am not lowering my expectations. Not regarding transparency, sex and connection. The work thing I can live with as long as the rest worked. I am NOT becoming a WAW in 2 years. That's NOT an option.
I am thinking things thru. I need just little more time to exhaust a few more possibilities. A little bit more. That's all. K
You know, I don't always agree with Ali, but I sure respect what she has to say. She is always going to make sure we thing about every angle, and don't do some thing out of emotion that we might regret later. She is a bit prone to Alinalysis, but as long as it doesn't paralyze us, it's ok!
Oh my Gosh, Kalni, I did not take anything as mean.
I am a bit confused. I think your last few posts were about wanting a D and then now it's about having him move back in.
I do agree with John though
Best!
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Joking John. He did pull A LOT of crap on me didnt he?
I am not lowering my expectations. Not regarding transparency, sex and connection. The work thing I can live with as long as the rest worked. I am NOT becoming a WAW in 2 years. That's NOT an option.
I am thinking things thru. I need just little more time to exhaust a few more possibilities. A little bit more. That's all. K
OK, this worries me. If he is not meeting your expectations regarding these matters now do you think it will change once he moves back in? Then what? I would prefer him to work towards meeting these goals b4 a move-in. I also think these are reasonable expectations.
It does seem like you need more time for you. To really wrap your head around the way things are, could be or possibly never be.
A year from now how do you envision every scenario in your head. 1. a D 2. Separation with NC 3. Separation still working towards reconciliation 4. Moving him back in
You do not have to make decisions today, of course. But the eventual decision you make- can you get a rough "guess" of how it will lead to in the future.
Of course there is a fifth choice
5. Inaction- status quo
Just thoughts off the top of my head
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
A year from now I envision myself getting ready for Christmas, happy/content
Maybe in a D or with H happily back. A year separated working on reconciliation I think is too much. I mean, after a year, we could be still working things thru while living together.
I agree. If we decide to talk about this (right now we are on a break-NC), I will TELL him these three things. So far I have written those to him and he never replied yes or no. I will explain calmly why these things are important to me, and tell him he would need to explain his refusal (if he refuses).
I've been following along, have wanted to add something, & keep getting stuck, I think, because I'm engaged in something too close to the same scenario.
@june "Kalni- enough is enough. Divorce will give you, yes, additional sadness but some sort of peace to it all."
I just don't know that this is true. If it was a case of your H not giving any effort/still having OP/etc., then that may be the course to follow. To go there now seems premature, as crazy as that sounds to many.
Yes, it is possible to R after a D, although I believe you said it takes 1 year to get there, so if nothing was settled in that time it's prolly a done deal there after.
@ Kalni "I was thinking today driving home, I dont think there are a lot of men that AFTER meeting me (meaning the inner part not the outside) wouldnt be interested in me. So, why the hell cant I win him back? Drive him crazy? Make him want me? You know why? I've lost my detachement and myself. Again."
I think that's it. It is human nature & that is why the gucci/Robx/puppy method proves true. It is such a fine line, because you are the leader in the M & it's difficult to lead without pursuing.
So maybe some kind of hybrid path is the way to go. Some combination of Kat/Ali's & june/John's;
Confident, secure, who wouldn't want to be with me women, coupled with I will be fine with or with out you, hope you make the best choice.
And of course you're the only one who knows how long you're willing to hang in there. I just think there's a lot of pressure on the R right now & you know what pressure does (especially evident in the male species.)
And yes, you are very capable of attracting OP, no question. They of course don't come foible free, however, & you'll eventually have different R events to deal with in that R.
Just some thoughts, not sure how helpful they are.
