First Piecing Thread

[addie]

Hi Hope,

Glad to hear you are feeling better and that W has been there doting on you. I'm sure your W's concern and attention helped speed up your recovery.

Reading your updates gives me much hope. My H and I have been Piecing for almost 7 months now and it has been really difficult. I've felt a lot of anger and resentment over what happened and although I've wanted to be able to forgive, I've had a hard time. However I think that in the last 2 weeks there has been a shift. I've started to let go of the past, we've been talking more openly. I hope that this is the beginning of the healing process for us.

Hope, I am so very happy for you. Did you and your W ever go to MC after you started Piecing?

[Hope4us]

Hey Addie, thanks for stopping by.

No, we've never gone to MC. W has said she doesn't believe in them. And you need to be really careful as I've read other places that most MC's can make the situation worse off than better.

I've found out recently that we were piecing for quite a long time without even knowing it. Probably 4 months or more that W knew she wanted to stay and really did love me, and really, probably 6 months before that that we were piecing our marriage together without knowing where we were headed.

And it IS REALLY DIFFICULT. I remember a comment someone made to me on another website when my W's A ended. This guy told me, "You think you've got it made now? Think again. Busting the A up was easy, now's the hard part". And he is absolutely right. This piecing chit is HARD.

I still go through periods of anger and resentment. I've tried to look at it logically and I think, at least for me, that I've discovered those periods of anger and resentment come when I'm feeling unsure of myself or our marriage. Maybe it's the same for you? Cuz once W does something that reassures me, that anger and resentment seems to go away. What's that say about me?

More to ponder while navigating this piecing minefield.

Hope this helps.

[Lost Rabbit]

Hi Hope4us

Hope you dont mind me reading your thread, Im new in this section and just wanted to see how other folks had been doing and say Hi! Its good to hear that all the awful things can be dealt with sensibly, Im almost a bit too scared to start at the moment, especially as my H has been diagnosed with depression, I have set boundaries but dont want to push too hard just yet!

[dday101798]

I still go through periods of anger and resentment. I've tried to look at it logically and I think, at least for me, that I've discovered those periods of anger and resentment come when I'm feeling unsure of myself or our marriage.

Hope,

I know I'm a bit behind you in the amount of time piecing, but I do have a rememdy for what you describe here. I long held a that anger and resentment, and it really held up all progress, for myself and repairing the relationship to my XW in any regard. Once I finally admitted to myself, the things I did, the things I didn't do, the way acted, it was no wonder why my XW left and did what she did. Does it make what she's done right? No, and that is where we are in turn is that she has frogiven me to forgive herself. From there, the past has been resolved in most part, and now all think of is the future.

For what it's worth, if it helps you.

[Hope4us]

Thanks for the comment Dday, but I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you on this one. Might have worked for you, and I'm glad that it did, but I will not take responsibility for my W's A.

Was I the perfect H? No. Have I taken responsibility for that? Yes. Was W the perfect W? No. Did I run off and have an A because she wasn't perfect? NO.

Doesn't make me a better person or any less able to forgive, but for me to take responsibility for HER CHOICE to have an A is not going to happen. I don't think I could respect myself if I thought that I was the cause of her A. She has even admitted to me recently that she was perfectly happy in our marriage until she started letting herself slide down that slope towards OM and that's when, and only then, did she start to have problems with our marriage. So for me to accept that I was THE CAUSE, just isn't going to happen.

Again, I'm not saying I'm a better person than her, not by a long shot. We all have our flaws. And I've forgiven her a long time ago, but I still have these periods of anger and resentment to deal with and I don't think I should be making up some excuse in my mind that it was my fault just so I'll not feel.....

I do appreciate your comments and don't let this stop you from responding in the future, but I for one think that there is NEVER a valid reason for an affair. Might be things that make you understand how it can happen, but justified? Um...NO.

[dday101798]

Hey, no problem. Wasn't saying that justifies the A nor that I take the blame for it, just I could understand why she'd want to, but not the actual reason to do it. Two seperate issues there, but in and of eachother.

[Hope4us]

It's all good. Maybe I misunderstood what you were trying to say.

Anyway, I appreciate the comments.

[Hope4us]

Ding dong, the F'ing glass is dead! W finally brought it home from work and this morning I disposed of it in the middle of a river that I cross on the way to work. I threw it so far I'm surprised I didn't throw my arm out. And it felt GOOD. Almost like a cleanseing experience.

For those of you who are new to my sitch, OM brought W a glass home from one of his family vacations (yeah, nice guy, buy your mistress a present while on vacation with your wife and kids) and she's been reluctant to get rid of it. She kept telling me she'd bring it home from work where she had it, but never would.

This past weekend, W and I were talking about taking a trip in March to one of our favorite places. We've gone there probably close to every year we've been married until the troubles started. Well, surprise, surprise, OM used to take his family there every year also, so it's kind of put a crimp in my enthusiasm in going back there. But we talked about it and I think I'm ready to take the leap. But that made me remember the glass. It actually hadn't crossed my mind in a while. But yesterday, right at the end of the day I sent her an IM and asked her to bring it home.

And she did. I think it bugged her some as her response to my request on IM wasn't the best (not really bad though) and she seemed a little...I don't know....almost embarassed when I got home from work.

But ya know what? On my way to work she's sending me TM's and when I got done with our morning meeting I get back to my desk and I've got an IM from her.

Kind of screams RESPECT doesn't it?

Next up, the undies!

[pearlharbr]

Woo hoo! I know how much that glass bugged you (as it would me). I'm so happy she finally gave it up and you gave it the old heave ho.

[Hope4us]

Thanks Pearl. I appreciate it.

Now it's on to getting rid of the undies that I have such an issue with as they were her favorite affair undies. She tells me "they're just undies" and she likes them, but there's no way in hell she'll wear them again, so why not let me take them out and burn them in the fire pit like I want to?

But we're getting there. She's in a training class today and has been emailing me all day as she's got her laptop set up for the class. I know she should be paying attention to the class, but it feels pretty darn good that she's more interested in emailing me than paying attention!