Are you sure that separation and divorce is what you want? It sounds like he could be talked into counseling or Retrouvaille. If you are both planning to stay in the house, shouldn't you make the relationship better?
Are you sure that separation and divorce is what you want? It sounds like he could be talked into counseling or Retrouvaille. If you are both planning to stay in the house, shouldn't you make the relationship better?
I don't know what I want. I don't know if I can forgive H.
We just had a very long talk. H got all comfy in his pj's so I knew he was not going anywhere so I decided to go and talk to him.
We talked about: - our low points during the last 4 years - some details of A - 6 months, met at work,OW going thru divorce - H moving downstairs (as I can't force him out) - separation and that I would consider this day 1 - I might never be able to forgive him - if we do work on M, transparency and that he will feel like he is under house arrest with 24/7 surveillance and I would insist on MC - our children And much more.
H broke down and said "how ironic - now after all this you are talking to me".
H told me he took the kids passports and birth cert. I can't believe he would think I would kidnap the kids.
H is surprised how calm I am and that I have not gone into a rage at him. (have occasionally done it but its not my style)
H said A is over. But he will run into OW again at work. I am highly suspicious its over that quickly after H was busted. H said it was ending just before I confronted him.
It now seems like the ball is back in my court if OW is truly out of pic. I need to decide if I want to work on our M or start going our separate ways. I need time to think.
H said A is over. But he will run into OW again at work. I am highly suspicious its over that quickly after H was busted. H said it was ending just before I confronted him.
I think he's lying here. If it were over, he'd be anxious to try to work things out with you. At BEST, they have "cooled it" for awhile, but his unwillingness to accept transparency indicates that he wants to remain in contact with her, and hopefully rekindle it. And at WORST . . .
Forgiveness is a big topic. Whether or not you can forgive is largely tied to if he changes his behavior, and if is sorry. I've seen many people try to forgive without either of those things, only to be disappointed. You are on a long, hard road. Generally, people can be happy again if they either separate and find new mates or reconcile and improve the marriage. Standing still in the place you are now only leads to more pain and unhappiness.
H said A is over. But he will run into OW again at work. I am highly suspicious its over that quickly after H was busted. H said it was ending just before I confronted him.
I think he's lying here. If it were over, he'd be anxious to try to work things out with you. At BEST, they have "cooled it" for awhile, but his unwillingness to accept transparency indicates that he wants to remain in contact with her, and hopefully rekindle it. And at WORST . . .
Puppy
He did not say he would not accept transparency - I explained to him what transparency meant and that he would feel like I would be watching him 24/7 and he would feel like he was under the microscope.
I explained to him what transparency meant and that he would feel like I would be watching him 24/7 and he would feel like he was under the microscope.
"I understand how you could feel that way. I need the transparenecy to heal and regain trust. If you can't agree then it will lead to a divorce because I cannot live that way."
Validation of his feelings - Your need - Consequence of his behavior, which is his choice.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I explained to him what transparency meant and that he would feel like I would be watching him 24/7 and he would feel like he was under the microscope.
"I understand how you could feel that way. I need the transparenecy to heal and regain trust. If you can't agree then it will lead to a divorce because I cannot live that way."
Validation of his feelings - Your need - Consequence of his behavior, which is his choice.
Yep -- BINGO.
I told my wife I understood COMPLETELY if she didn't want to do the things I was asking, and I meant it. I probably wouldn't. "But you do need to know that these are 'dealbreakers' for me."
The choice was entirely hers; she just had to make the choice with the full knowledge of what MY position was, which is only fair.
Maple, since H has taken the kids' papers I suggest that you still retain a L now. You don't have to go through with a D or even file for that matter, but you should take the steps to protect yourself as obviously H has already started down that road. You have already underestimated him, don't continue to make the same mistake.
As to his ending the A, I don't buy it either. If he was truly done he would be doing a lot more to convince you of that fact. My BF was swearing up and down he was no longer in contact with OW and even that wasn't true.
I think you do need time to think about what you really want for yourself. Then make a list of the dealbreakers and present them as Coach suggested. His reaction and subsequent actions (not words) will tell you what you need to know.
And don't think that you need to be able to forgive him immediately. I agreed to try to reconcile with BF but told him up front that I wasn't sure if I could ever forgive him and if I couldn't then we would go our separate ways because it wouldn't be fair to either one of us to live that way.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Maple, since H has taken the kids' papers I suggest that you still retain a L now. You don't have to go through with a D or even file for that matter, but you should take the steps to protect yourself as obviously H has already started down that road. You have already underestimated him, don't continue to make the same mistake.
I have an appt set up for Thurs. Got someone to give me a recommendation as I just didn't want to pick one randomly from white pages.
H wanted copies of my 2007 bank stmts. I only had '08-'09 on file at home. I went on mat leave in 2007, quit my job in 2008 to be SAHM. Any idea what he is looking for?
I am trying to write down how I feel but I just can't seem to get the words out. I am just so.... so..... it was hard today.
And H moved all his stuff to downstairs bedroom tonight.
((((Maple)))) Sometimes there are no words for the intensity of emotion you can feel at a time like this. It is too much. We are all fortunate that we have each other here... we understand. Somehow that just helps to not feel so alone.
I am glad you are getting legal advice. It sounds like it is important given some of your H's actions.
Focus on self care right now. This is a very hard point in your sitch. After confronting my H, he "waffled" for three more weeks. He now says that my behavior during those three weeks (180's, "acting as if", making myself the better option, not pressuring but yet keeping firm boundaries) were some of the things that caused him to re-consider our M.
Are you getting any counseling for yourself? That helped me tremendously too.
Take care. You have been amazingly strong so far.... you can do this!
