This is a D busting forum. Yes, but there comes a point when a person's soul gets trashed in a marriage and for all intense purposes this is not a marriage and has NOT been one for years.
I hope for the best for K also and would LOVE if her marriage was to reconcile. But there is a thing called consequences. One person in a marriage does not get to destroy a marriage and then do NO work towards fixing it. This has been going on for YEARS.
I think Michelle herself would say enough. There is something often said on this board.
Not all marriages should be saved.
I repeat NOT ALL MARRIAGES SHOULD BE SAVED. (If you even call this a marriage- the way it has been for so long)
What is going on here is not healthy for Kalni. She is willing to try, her husband states he is also but taking no actions. Not even the simplest kind. She has laid out her requirements very CLEARLY for them to repair their marriage and he? He states he can NOT do them and can not do even the simplest task like give an email password. HOW CAN TRUST BE RESTORED?
A person can only DB for so long and if there is no positive results after a VERY LONG TIME then other actions maybe taken.
Why do you think that a D is it? There can still be a reconciliation after D. It happens all the time. But this man needs to wake up and realize he is losing the best thing of his life.
I know you are a friend Ali but all of Kalni's friends close to her sitch and monk advise divorce. People on the message boards are leaning in that direction.
Kalni- enough is enough. Divorce will give you, yes, additional sadness but some sort of peace to it all.
He can still work his way back into your heart after the D. There has to be consequences and health boundaries though.
He want's to pretend nothing happened and she meant nothing to him. Sweeping things under the carpet and not working though them is the biggest mistake ever.
I think Puppy has a big opinion on this. I think he said something to the effect of the "biggest mistake he sees is people taking the WAS back too quickly without doing hard work before hand". I hope I am quoting him right here...
IDK, should Kalni, stand on her head, bend over backwards even more? Nicer, Kinder, cheerier, more forgiving yet again?
PLEASE! Enough already.
Ali I think your thought process is the fairytale we would all like Kalni to have but my thoughts the cold hard truth. IMO, of course.
Kalni can do as she chooses- I mean it's her life after all right,lol? But I would guess that months after continueing her efforts little would change. Only to go back to the boards to have her dissected again and again. "Maybe he is still working through things" "Processing guilt" "She was too negative"
This man needs to SHOW his love towards Kalni if he wished to repair the damage. WORDS mean little if they are not immediately followed by actions.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
june, I sort of agree with you. I am sure Ali does too. In a way.
Not all Ms should be saved. I agree. Tell me something, just for the fun of it, how can you tell which one should?
H has been very discreet, never abusive, good with our kids, good with money (he gave me 3000 last year when I asked for a loan)(very good towards the kids with money-I am sure if my pride was not in the way he would give me more), is generaly polite, cares about my health, my well being, is nice to friends and family, never bad mouthed me to anyone, apologised to my parents and friends, got me in public as of week no#1 as his wife, there is not another woman-(could be he still has limited contact with her) he is not into any addictions such as gambling, drugs etc etc...
He is not leading by no means this reconciliation. And as I have said before, he was never the leader in our R. So, that it is not strange. Only THAT is what I need be different now. Can you see what I am saying?
Maybe this is an MLC case. And from what I read there are phases that are very hard towards the reconciliation, BEFORE the person recomits. I am not trying to excuse him. I am just trying to prove I am not insane sticking to this as long as I have. There are things that because are not points of aggrivation, I am not mentioning here. The point is, how long can I stand being into this situation? I was thinking today driving home, I dont think there are a lot of men that AFTER meeting me (meaning the inner part not the outside) wouldnt be interested in me. So, why the hell cant I win him back? Drive him crazy? Make him want me?
You know why? I've lost my detachement and myself. Again. Just thoughts. I am not telling right from wrong here. Just saying...
I think we should get a big yellow house on the beach for us "girlfriends" and the kids... And, a special little guesthouse for our visiting boyfriends.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
"Tell me something, just for the fun of it, how can you tell which one should?"
I can't Kalni. I can only offer my opinion, which I understand was unasked for.... I see a person who is hurting due to the actions of someone else for a VERY long time and I empathize and want to see some resolution to the matter. Of course, these are my thoughts and not fact.
I commend you for all your amazing attempts. I mean I think few on this board have worked as hard as you. If you feel there is still a chance and want to go for it. I am rooting 100% for you. I really am. You have every right to choose the path you see fit and I genuinely wish you well with there.
Like everyone else here- these are just my opinions and you in the situation yourself would know best.
I think you have some questions that you may just not get answers to.
Yes, I envision you as this great gorgeous Greek godness looking type of woman-hehe. I have always thought you could get many men. Why is your hubby not acting like he is into you? I don't know if you will ever get the answer.
"The point is, how long can I stand being into this situation?" Again, only for you to answer.
I want to apologize to Ali for my upset. I saw criticism of Kalni. I did not realize that Ali was responding to an email.
I guess you know my thoughts. I wish you happiness in life regardless of circumstances.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Boy with all my "verbage" I wonder if this thread is going to be busy tonight-hehe.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
K, I am sure some people won't be happy with my support of what Ali said. I know you are hurt, angry, humilated, betrayed and he deserves to hurt as much as you did/do. Really I get that because I feel that about my ex. However that won't get you anywhere.
Do you forgive him? Can you stop throwing it out there and tell your H the one thing you need him to do right this moment that will show you he is wanting this M and you? Believe me I know you have a list as we all do or would if the shoe was on the other foot. I think he is overwhelmed and feels as if he can't do anything right. It will send him away if positives can't be found and built on.
Oh and the forgiveness is for you. It lets it go. You never have to say it to him unless you want to. Forgive to move forward.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I really think it is up to you to decide what you want, what you can handle, etc etc.
I know reading MWD book, there was a couple that 'reconciled' but I think it was MONTHS before they actually kissed, or exchanged ILYs, or whatever. Can't remember the exact scenario but it was in one of the books. So maybe sometimes things come back together with fireworks and sometimes they come back slowly. I think I have lost my patience with the 'slowly' thing, but only you know if you have it in you to stick it out.
Objectively, I 'read' you writing a lot of positives about your H. I don't know if that is because you want to be with him, because you are trying to talk yourself into wanting it, or if those are the reasons you are hesitant to pull the plug.
I do know that when Dan and I are spending time together, like playing in the snow the other day, there is an impulse to just knock him over in a snowdrift and kiss him. Or reach for him when we are standing close together. But I won't because I know he could not/would not reciprocate. Do you have those desires too, or are they gone for you?
Hmmm.........your situation is very tough for me to wrap my head around...
At the end of the day, you are right. It really does not matter what anybody here (or elsewhere) says. You will decide. It is becoming obvious to me and perhaps others that your H is who he is...he must have some postives or you would not be hanging around. I don't think you will pull the plug. I think you will ask him to move back. In spite of all he has done in the past 3 years, you and others still defend him or more precisely excuse his inactions. That is fine and like Ali said this is a Divorce Busting site. So my suggestion (I know you did not ask) is to lower your expectations....that is the only way you will be happy with your H. Accept his work schedule (because it is obvious that his work is important to him). Accept his lack of transparency as it pertains to his "addiction", because he does not think it is important. Accept his lack of intimacy and hope that it returns one day soon. Accept that he expects you to be the leader in the realtionship......so lead K.
Accept him for who is, qualities and negatives ... otherwise you will drive yourself nuts....some of us think you are already there (:-P)
Kalni, A heavy decision b/c if he returns and the marriage yet again fails- it definitely will hit the kids very hard.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
