Pls help--confused and fearful

[newmama]

Now it's time to think in terms of what can be proven by law. You know? What evidence are you going to be able to collect that will help you versus the evidence you have or could choose to create to be used against you.

So that might motivate you in restraining yourself.

((Daybyday)) keep writing here instead!

[Day by Day]

I just found out how to save the text messages to my computer. I now think it was a bluff that he was moving overseas since he is saying the kids can move with him.

He is trying every which way to get me to file first. I don't get it.

[Day by Day]

Thanks newmama. You're right.

[P17]

Whatever. I see that I just have to go to the lawyer tomorrow to do what I need to make sure I have financial support.

You do. This is a priority. I'll bet he doesn't think you'll do it. When you do, and he finds out he will get nastier. Put money on it.

It's probably his tactic to get me to file since he hasn't. I don't get it why he won't file but he doesn't want me either.

My guess (and it's only a guess) is that he is being nasty to get you to file for a D because you've had enough. Do a 180 on that - if he wants you to do something, don't do it. Let him do the legwork, after all he is the only one who wants a D, right?

There is too much anger coming your way from somebody who supposedly doesn't care. Don't know what to make of that, but I thought I'd point it out.

I'm going to focus completely on getting a NEW life. I've already started on my way to a new career. I've registered for classes for a 2yr program. I've registered to volunteer at the hospital too. I'm thinking ahead to a life without WAH. Why am I going to bother with a man who doesn't want me, doesn't care about me and is deliberately hurting me? I've made several new girlfriends who are very caring and supportive. I'm going to need a big support group to go through all this. I deserve better than what WAH has given me for the past few years. I felt sorry for him, but now I have to focus solely on my life and our precious kids!!! Enough already.

I will bet after a few months of this GALing, he'll be much more in contact. Just a feeling about him.

Argh. I was feeling so strong this morning.

I'm listening to you P17. I'm writing here and not to WAH. And I'm getting angry! He has pushed my buttons!!

Remember he was TRYING to push your buttons. While you're not playing the game, recognise it as a game. Laugh because you KNOW his game. You know the RULES of his game better than he does. You also know that when you DON'T respond, he loses.

Laugh. You are winning. But the winning is not to score points against him. The winning is to give you strength.

I just found out how to save the text messages to my computer. I now think it was a bluff that he was moving overseas since he is saying the kids can move with him.

Why do you think that?

He probably said the things about the kids to ..... rattle you. You already said that he hardly spent any time with them - who do you think the court would award custody to?

Ignore this.

He is trying every which way to get me to file first. I don't get it.

He may be. I think he's trying every which way to hurt you as much as possible. When we hurt, who are the first ones we lash out at - the ones closest to us, ie. you. He's hurt, guilty and upset (by his own doing but nevertheless) so he is trying to hurt you to feel better.

Don't rise to it. Don't respond. Don't play his game.

If you need to communicate, communicate about the kids and nothing else. Any talk of the R, D or anything else and you end the call / text / email.

[Day by Day]

Another day of NC almost over... WAH sent me an email. Did you predict that P17?

I haven't even opened it because he might have sent it with a receipt to let him know if I read it. But, it is titled "Your buddy". I know that he is referring to OW's ex. Yep, newmama, he is threatened by him. That's why he's flipping out.

I'm preparing myself not to react when I read it and to no way, no how respond to it. I know he will be pushing my buttons and be nasty. Eh, should I even bother reading it? It'll only be BS. I'll try not to read it until tomorrow.

[newmama]

See? Mindreading isn't always wrong (tongue in cheek) Seriously, I don't know if you could do this or not...don't know if I could either...but what if you waited even longer than a day before you opened it? What would happen?

180 says to NOT open it if that is what you usually do.

Maybe see what your lawyer says?

Also, I know you know this but it is fair to say it. Only YOU know your WAH best so if you think some advice here could make the situation worse, trust yourself not to follow it. Even Michele Weiner-Davis said that everyone's situation is unique and we need to modify the DB principles for our situations.

(so if you waited too long would he get even nastier?) I'm just glad you are meeting with your lawyer tomorrow. Please let us know what happens!

[Day by Day]

I read the email. Nothing to it. It was a "warning" of the type of person I am exchanging info with. It was a forward of the email OW received from her ex that she forwarded to my WAH.

Nothing for me to respond to. It does show tons of hatred ex has towards both of them and WAH was laughing about ex going to get a heart attack from all his anger.

Pretty sad that WAH got himself in the middle of this and me too. Ex won't leave them alone. I'm so tempted to tell him that, but what's the use? He won't see. Argh. But I'm so tempted to respond to throw it in his face.

I'm still waiting to hear from my lawyer. I'm reading online about family law in my state.

It's gotten so ugly to me the sitch of WAH and OW. I don't think I want him back (if he does) with all the experiences he has had with her and all the lies. It makes me sick. I wonder if anyone else has accepted those things and made it work.

[MHL]

DBD,
I wonder the same thing too about my M and my WAS. As discussed previously, the outside world, friends and family want us to close the door on the M, and think we are crazy for thinking that there is a way that the M might work. I am thinking that we as LBS have to cross the bridge of "do we want them back" if and when the WAS comes back.

[chatterbug]

The first week of no contact I was contacted 3 to 5 times.

Now it comes every 2 weeks. And always on thursday. I put the stuff on my WAS calendar.

They also try to contact you through friends and family as well.

Withdrawl, trying to get some Emotional needs off you, missing you, want to hurt you, trying to draw you back in the vortex, they had a good or hard week, forgot your not at their beck and call, want to snoop...

Who knows?

But keep track of it all. What it was, when and time.

You will hear stuff and when you do you can get dates.. And see if there a pattern.

And if you get to piecing.

You can use all this stuff to call out the bull.


You will also notice this pattern.

Attempt to make you break LRT with the stick.
Attempt to make you break LRT with the carrot.

Your choice to give in.

But I recommend that you do not break contact ever.

Unless it is for what reasons you specified in your Plan B letter to your Wayward.

She also has the way back specified as well.

You wrote one right ?

[chatterbug]

DBD,
I wonder the same thing too about my M and my WAS. As discussed previously, the outside world, friends and family want us to close the door on the M, and think we are crazy for thinking that there is a way that the M might work. I am thinking that we as LBS have to cross the bridge of "do we want them back" if and when the WAS comes back.

People avoid conflict. People avoid shades of grey. Hits close to home. So they pick the easy path.

Its your choice not theirs.



And when they come back... Say no.

Let them earn it. And start a new relationship.