Since the bomb dropped about seven months ago, I've done the following:
- Worked through the "laundry list" and implemented 180's - Worked on opening up communication - Listened and validated up the wazzoo - Worked on detaching - GAL in my own way by keeping myself busy and working on myself. - Worked on my own self-esteem, self-confidence and worth. - lots more stuff...
To avoid "culture shock" I trickle-fed my 180's into the relationship while doing the following:
- Investigated the possibility of infidelity. There are red flags but no proof. - Got expert legal counsel in the event of D and how I would proceed based on the previous point. - Drew up my own "laundry list" of things I would like changed. I've held off issuing it until reconciliation is decided on. - Worked on resurrecting the man I was before the marriage i.e. the man I allowed to die due to compromising and spouse-pleasing.
On Thursday which I'd put down as the "last straw" on digging for evidence. As you know I staked out the salon where W was going. She arrived at 3:30 pm, spent an hour there and left. I caught the bus home (we've only got one car) and when I got there she wasn't back yet.
My mind flew into overdrive and I was panicking. I felt I was doing well with detaching until that point. Waiting for her in my office with thousands of thoughts flying through my mind was doing me no good. After two hours of mental torture I knew that with the emotional state I was in if she arrived at that minute there would be fireworks. Not good.
I logged off the board, had a shower and got dressed up and left the apartment. I got a bite to eat then walked around to try calm myself down. On my "travels" I saw a Hookah bar and went in to chill out - I had a few drinks (not a heavy drinker) and enjoyed the atmosphere. Ahem... it turned out that on Thursdays that have a belly-dancing show so I stuck around to enjoy the view. I left after midnight and walked home.
W was still up on my return... not normal for her. She's an early to bed type. [wicked grin] I got "attacked" as I walked in. She saw me dressed to the nines and clothes stinking of tobacco etc. She demanded / commanded to know where I had been and what I had been doing. She received the same "matter of fact" voice one word response I've been getting lately. "Out." I ignored her continued demands for information and shrugged off further attempts by jumping into the shower.
She didn't like receiving a dose of her own medicine. Too bad. Being back home re-ignited my anxiety about what was going to be found on the voice recorder. After the shower I headed to my office where I had a message to call someone about his own M problems. As I started the call she barged in, on seeing I was busy on the phone she withdrew. When I was done she was in bed. I didn't feel like being near her so I slept on the sofa.
The next day I woke up (as expected) in Antarctica. I was still a bit worked up from the day before and anxious to see what was on the recorder. I retrieved it and waited until I could build up the courage to listen. As you know, most of the recording was garbled but I did manage to make out that she went to see her parents (and SIL who lives with them) after the manicure.
What I could make out in the recording was when her voice was raised. The tone that came out was ten levels worse than anger. I've never seen that much hate gush out of her before. So... my W DB'd me GOOD in Thursday. Don't underestimate the power of mystery, intrigue and elusiveness... it sucks to be on the receiving end and it works. The flip-side of the coin is my own "disappearing act" so I know how she felt. In my case it wasn't intentional. There a few reasons why I've held off before: (a) I'm not too interested in going out at night. (b) I was waiting for clarity on the infidelity issue.
For the days that followed until yesterday my moods, emotions and mental state have been in flux. Ranging from anger through to depression with plenty of midpoints in between and back again. I've been avoiding her because I know that any conversation will lead to confrontation, degrade to anger and will be detrimental to my previous efforts.
I believe I'm capable of handling and empathizing with her feelings of hurt and anger. I'M NO ANGEL and have had a role to play in that. I've been on my best behavior most of the time and think I've been very patient. To this day very few of my 180's have been acknowledged, but that's fine with me. Things seem to get better until an "excursion" when the ice-queen returns.
I can endure, neutralize and even combat all her other emotions but when it comes to hate I am clueless. If you have any ideas on how to neutralize it let me know.
Last night she was out from 5:30pm until 9:45pm. No idea where she went and without advanced notice I couldn't place the recorder into her handbag because I didn't know which one she would be using.
The view I'm taking from this point forward is GUILTY until PROVEN innocent. I'm assuming a full blown PA. And I'VE RUN OUT OF PATIENCE. I'm going for a resolution either way before the end of the month. Seven months of BS is enough. I'm not going to be playing this game for another year. I've decided from Jan 1st I'm starting a New Year, a new decade and a new life for me - with or without Mrs Gno.
I've bided my time and have all my ducks in a row. I'm in a strong position. The Big D and its consequences are all in my favor. Life as she knows it is about to come to an end. I'm done cooking frogs. It's time to pour fuel on the fire and flame grill this M. It's either going to come out "just right" or completely toasted. The kid gloves are coming off and she's not going to like it. As sick as it sounds I've even selected my own little theme song -- and it IS NOT this song.
So... that's where I am...
Last edited by Gnosis; 12/14/0904:31 PM. Reason: changed title
