Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Greek]

^ ^ ^ Wisdom.
Thank you, Sandi2. That's what friends are for.
Greek

[Gardener]

(I really wanted to throw it into the tides but I'm just glad it's gone.)

I dropped mine gently into the tides at the exact spot about 30 feet off shore this past August on the anniversary date of, when watching her walk along the sand 18 years ago, I fell madly in love.

Elton John writes about it beautifully in The One. All I had to do was change "and sees his future in the water, a long-lost heart within his grasp," to "and sees his future from the water..."

Sentimental old softy to the very (bitter) end.
(sigh).

[Thinker]

Thanks Sandi and Greek,

That's pretty much why I resisted doing it. Would have just been a petty jab that made me feel good for a few minutes, and which I would have regretted shortly thereafter.

[Thinker]

(Written from my blackberry, so please excuse the many typos)

Journaling:

Large inadvertent R discussion last night precipitated by w almost catching me checking DB website on my blackberry. I instinctively shielded the screen and put it away, and Mrs. T caught the action.

She didn't see the site and assumed I was texting. She accused me (correctly) of acting strange and furtive and asked for an explanation. When I refused ("I don't need to explain myself") she became angry and accused me of acting weird, of not wanting to work on the R (when I then asked her "do you want to want to work on the R" she replies "why would I want to work on a m with someone who acts as weird as yo do" (referring to my bb - circular argument)

It went on for a long time. I needed both my spew raincoat (for the things she said that were accurate) and mt boundaries (for the mindreading, projecting, gaslighting, and just plain old unsubstantiated personal attacks)

At one point during the discussion she stated firmly her view that "we ARE married" but also aknowledged (when I called her on it) that she was expecting me to stay committed to the m when she was outspokenly not commited to it.

I ended the discussion by saying that I expected her to make a decision - commit to me and the M, or end it and leave, and that if she could not, then I would leave. But, however, I will continue to honor our agreement and not ask her to make this decision during the xmas season or while she is consumed with her mothers sickness.

Today I have just been pretending that it never occured. We had a good day going to church and visiting friends.

[Thinker]

I have recently been getting annoyed with the pop culture that we are immersed in. In particular, the constantly expressed views on relationships.

Mrs. T has a playlist that home that includes a frequent repeat of Natasha Bedingfield's "Soulmate", the refrain of which is:

Who doesn't long for sombody to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told

I got a bit of this from Mrs. T herself during our argument 2 nights ago when I asked her for details or examples regarding some of her vague complaints. Her response "I don't want to have to TRAIN anyone on how to be loving"

Also, mrs. T and I watched "What happens in Vegas" last night. It's pretty funny, but once again as a romantic comedy it reinforces the idea that you can be highly disfunctional yourself, but all will be OK if you can just find that person who is right for you.

[givingitmyall]

I have recently been getting annoyed with the pop culture that we are immersed in. In particular, the constantly expressed views on relationships.

Mrs. T has a playlist that home that includes a frequent repeat of Natasha Bedingfield's "Soulmate", the refrain of which is:

Who doesn't long for sombody to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told

I got a bit of this from Mrs. T herself during our argument 2 nights ago when I asked her for details or examples regarding some of her vague complaints. Her response "I don't want to have to TRAIN anyone on how to be loving"

Also, mrs. T and I watched "What happens in Vegas" last night. It's pretty funny, but once again as a romantic comedy it reinforces the idea that you can be highly disfunctional yourself, but all will be OK if you can just find that person who is right for you.

Smoke and mirrors. Fantasy.

I can't/won't watch any romantic movies with my W right now. What's the point?

[Coach]

I ended the discussion by saying that I expected her to make a decision - commit to me and the M, or end it and leave, and that if she could not, then I would leave.

How has that worked for you? She has decided and it's not what you want to hear.

"I don't want to have to TRAIN anyone on how to be loving"

She doesn't want to decide, commit, train, lead, provide, love, ..... She wants her man to do that.

When she feels secure in that, then she can love you back.

[Thinker]

She has decided and it's not what you want to hear.

Actually coach, she has not decided, or she has decided not to decide.

She's pretty clear that she wants to sit on the fence, and wants me to remain supportive and committed for an indefinite period of time while she does so.

As far as the "I don't want to train anyone" comment, her emotions here are clear, but I believe unrealistic. She clearly wants to have her unspoken needs met without having to vocalize them. I'm tired of guessing.

[Coach]

She has decided and it's not what you want to hear.

Actually coach, she has not decided, or she has decided not to decide.
She's pretty clear that she wants to sit on the fence, and wants me to remain supportive and committed while she does so.

So without clear boundaries she's sitting on the fence?! She wants the security of knowing your boundaries. She wants you to decide for her (it's a test.) At that point she will get off the fence.

[Thinker]

...and (unfortunately??) I have decided to allow her to sit on the fence for now.

I don't know how to do otherwise right now without adding a marriage crisis to her in-progress family and life crisis.