#67 Cant find my "pieces"

[AliSuddenly]

Hey K, seeing as you are not on email today, I will write here...

I know this isnt what you want, you want him to love you and you dont want to D. So in answer to your question, I guess its time to do something different? What you've been doing isnt working. Not to win him back, you did that already, but to repair your R. Its easy to blame H, but we can only change ourselves...

I know you felt alot of time went by and you already had your year of 'reconciliation' and now he should DO something and be ALL in and be romantic etc.. but I see it a bit differently. It was a fake reconciliation and he was still in the R right up until you found out in August (and I also believe him the R was at an end despite you finding out, not because you found out). Then he was in shock for a few weeks and then he edged back toward you (late Sept?) and you were reluctant at first, you said he was an ****hole!!

You may have had pretty high expectations of a guy who only got out of a 3 year A in August. Cyrena and Saffie both said their guys took months (6 months??) to get past their feelings for ow, EVENTHOUGH it was over and they recommitted to the M. Put yourself in his shoes.. you have just been giving attention to another woman for 3 years, caught in a destructive, addictive R with her and SUDDENLY you have to romance the woman you were S from for 2 years and feel so dreadfully ashamed toward? Thats going to take time, many many months. And your H is NOT an open, expressive person and is still struggling with the death of his mother (its not an excuse, but grief does funny things to some people! Look at my bf...)

This man did a terrible thing, he cheated and lied for 3 years.. but if you want him, you need to let go of it, at least enough to actually be able to function and rebuild as a couple again. Whats the point in continually beating him over the head with it and making snipy remarks about ow? If you do, its over. If you stop, maybe theres a chance you will get your old R back and I am sure one day, the sorry's and explanations WILL come, but your H is very slow to work through things and express himself.

Maybe your questions and anger and hurt make it harder for him? Compounded his guilt. There will be time for questions later once you are at stage 4 - fully recommitted. Ok, so bf fast tracked through the phases, but I didnt even MENTION ow until we were back together for 3 months and things were lovely. Neverlone started out from that point. I dont think we would have stayed together if I had of. His guilt was SO huge, even when we did talk here and there he could barely handle it.

[AliSuddenly]

As for you, ok, we can only change/control ourselves, so what can you do?

- First off, "screaming and yelling" isnt going to help. I know you are hurt and angry, but nobody listens when someone shouts and you are closing down the chance to talk by doing that. He may feel afraid to be honest with you, because of your reaction. BF told me that because I was too 'strong' a communicator, he stopped trying to tell me how he felt, because I would talk him around or act like his opinion wasnt valid. Maybe this is true of your H? At least think about the way you communicate with him..

- stop being so negative? When you posted recently here or to Bobbi, hey sis I'm in the same boat...thats not true! Your H wanted you back. He doesnt want a D. OK, he is blocked, but he is trying and he's committed to you mentally if not yet fully romantically. Thats more than half the battle M, he already came back!

Thirdly, how about getting some acceptance? He didnt just have an A, he actually LEFT. You were apart. He was free to date who he wanted (and you were too and you did so you can see how thats possible). All's fair in love and war, we dont have to stay with people, we choose to. And he chose to leave, but he also chose to come back, which IS amazing. How about saying to him you understand it must be hard to be romantic with you after those 3 years, you cant just flick a switch? .. BUT, he has to get off the fence and at least meet you half way before its too late.

Lastly how about you drop your pride and protective walls and cautiousness and tell him COME HOME? You would both benefit from being in the same house again as a family. You will have more time to build new loving memories and he will feel accepted. Show him and HER you are making a fresh start. Whats the worst that will happen? You will get D and the kids will be dreadfully disappointed? You're headed that way anyway. Perhaps you two could make plans to buy another place (a new home, or a 2nd place?)

Or if none of the above strikes a chord with you.. how about you just call a truce for Christmas and ask him to move home this weekend for two weeks for the Christmas/New Year period? Tell the kids as a treat Dads coming to stay for Christmas.. and do it as a trial? Make plans, have friends over for drinks, go to Church together, be together Christmas Eve/Day, cook, eat as a family, watch comedies, laugh together, play with the kids, go to bed together and snuggle up, just show him some love and forgiveness, but drop ALL expectations and ALL conversations about the past during these 2 weeks.

Just be.... ?

ok.. just some thoughts for discussion. OR... file.
xxxx

[june72]

Kalni,
Have been following your thread for months. Often wanted to post- "end it with this man, you deserve better" but have held back.

But today I have to reply to Ali's post.

Ali- forgive me, I am quite angry by what your wrote, but what in the world are you talking about???????

3 years is MORE than enough of this nonsense. He has done NOTHING to work his way back into Kalni's heart.

Ali "let go of it"? "Beat him over the head"? HE HAS BASICALLY TAKEN NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS OR ACTED IN A MANOR AS SUCH.

How many more year's should Kalni wait? And keep trying?

This is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. How can trust every be regained when he travels all the time. She can never know if he is with someone or not or even if the trip is legitimate.

And you find fault with HER???????

At least that is how I am interpreting it.

She did not win her husband back- he is not there- words only- NOTHING more!!!


Blame, blame??- I think Kalni's husband created this debacle and Kalni has been working for years to fix it and he has done almost nothing!!!


High expectations? Passwords, and ILY, sex? I think these would be the minimum.

Harder for him? He is a big boy and should man up to recovery. If he can't he should man up and divorce her. B/c Limbo land is the worst and cruelest place to be. He has a responsibility also.

In the end a relationship can only work towards recovery when there are two people working towards it. He is doing nothing.

I am very suspicious and think that the A may still be going on or there is an A #2. I recall that he took a lady friend to buy Kalni's purse. Red flags for me.

I do not trust this man and he has shown himself for years to be untrustworthy and STILL shows himself to be untrustworthy!

Maybe he is crazy in love with Kalni but does not know how to show it. There comes a point in time where inaction is actually a choice. His inaction is showing he is not really committed to the marriage.


KALNI DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS!!!!

Kalni do not go back to this man. Divorce him. In my book he would have to do some major things immediately to show that he will fight for the marriage.


You don't just have an affair for three years and pretend that nothing happened. You don't leave your wife and fake reconcile and then have a hard time making an effort for reconciliation.

As Dr. Phil states to the person who was cheating- "you drove this marriage into a ditch- you need to get it out" (the cheater has to do WORK to fix things)

Kalni's husband, in my book- I can't say it- it would probably hurt Kalni's feelings.

I have sit back way to long and watched this woman be hurt. While people mention how she should try harder, think differently, be more forgivning, more accepting. Hell no- he broke it- he can fix it. Enough is enough. I think I would be less ridged in my thinking if there wasn't the fake reconcile.

How in the world do you not know this is fake reconcile #2? Where is the trust? Beyond destroyed.

Few would even consider trying to reconcile after all that has been done. I give her HUGE props for that.

[june72]

Ali,
For your second post, sorry, I could not disagree with you more.

I do not think he is already back. He has stated things but not showed with actions, IMO.

I do not think Kalni is being negative or screaming and yelling or hitting him over the head with things. Her feelings are very VALID. You don't go though this and come out happy as a clam. You have a right to your feelings Kalni, they are yours. You should act how you feel and think- not how others "think" you should behave to motivate your husband.

He ash not EARNED his way back home. He could come back still cheating Kalni needs actions and change that give assurances that this will never happen again.

I believe he has the affair b4 he left did he know- Kalni was suspicious and she was right to be. "All's fair in love and war"? How in the world does this apply?

Worst that could happen? A REPLAY OF THE PAST YEAR. More upset to the kids and Kalni.

You don't do something the magnitude that he has done and get a free pass.

[smith18]

Woman yoyo on a string.

Break the string by divorcing him.

[june72]

As for the ML issue. Even though he was unable to. That is no reason why he could not do "things" just for Kalni. There are many ways to satisfy a gal.

Sorry, Kalni this man needs to work his way back to you. Forgiveness is a gift. But one that must be earned. Otherwise there really is no true remorse on the end of the offender.

[Kalni]

OK guys, for those of you that read the above posts you just read my 2 selves talking to me at nights. The one that wants to take the next step towards him risking everything and the one that says "[censored] it! you are no good for me..."

I need a middle ground. Or maybe not? Sigh!!!

June there is nothing you wrote that I havent thought of. Sometimes I work myself up at nights because that stuff kind of builds up, you know?
(btw, I know the girl he bought the purse with, she was a new baby, loves her H dearly, and they all work together, we've gone out together, her H is his only boss, no red flags there, I verified that ).

Ali, I know what you are saying. Timing is critical. Our timing with H is off. Completely.
K

[AliSuddenly]

Sorry June, K is a friend of mine and she asked for some advice, normally it would have been private but shes not on email today. No matter what you or anyone thinks, K still wants it to work out!

I'm not blaming K AT ALL June and she knows that. Whats the point in getting angry at me and at him? K could divorce him, but she wants to reconcile, at least, thats what I understood she said!

I dont think screaming and shouting isnt valid when you've been hurt, its a natural reaction. I just suggest it may make it harder to have some proper communication NOW.

Theres no point telling K to D, she'll do what she feels is right. And this is a D BUSTING support forum!

Theres no way the lady he took to buy the purse was an ow. She was a friend.
xx

[AliSuddenly]

Hey K!
Ok, I'll repeat what I said because it has got lost in translation. You asked for what can you do??...

.. how about you just call a truce for Christmas and ask him to move home this weekend for two weeks for the Christmas/New Year period? Tell the kids as a treat Dads coming to stay for Christmas.. and do it as a trial? Make plans, have friends over for drinks, go to Church together, be together Christmas Eve/Day, cook, eat as a family, watch comedies, laugh together, play with the kids, go to bed together and snuggle up, just show him some love and forgiveness, but drop ALL expectations and ALL conversations about the past during these 2 weeks.

Just be.... ?

ok.. just some thoughts for discussion. OR... file.

xxx

[Kalni]

No use having an argument over this. Really. I am listening to everyone and then at night, I am on my own, thinking.

The last couple of months, although what he did wasnt what I wished for, I came closer to him. The last couple of days we are not talking, I miss him. Seeing parts of him again that I loved, was nice.

june, he cheated and cheated and lied. The 2 go together. FG and Kerry and John asked me in the past, is that a dealbreaker? I said no. The year he ACTUALLY cheated on me, 2006-2007 Sep is the worst to accept. Last year, thru her emails, I realised he was cutting the addiction off. He had a lot of trouble doing it, but you could see her desperation. Still, very hurtful and unacceptable. I am not overlooking that either.
I wish he had done that (fought the addiction) and not tried to be with me. On the other hand, if he hadnt moved then, I would have been gone. Forever. Completely. No way back.

I made a choice last year. It was MY choice. Even the months I let pass, were MY choice. Not his, not anybody's here.

I am weighing my feelings to make a choice again. I want it to be final. I want it to be it. I am tired of the yo yo as Kerry says. I will file, or tell him to move back. I dont see any other option.
K