"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I'm in the grump land.. doing alll the stuff I caution others not to.
Last night the former spouse picked up daughter for dinner (first time since T'day) in a Hummer.. not new. I know he'd traded in his Lexus since he 'couldn't afford to repair it'. While peeking through the window with the lights off so he couldn't see me looking I'm screaming.. "I can't believe he has a Hummer!".. followed by.. "But it doesn't matter!" Why am I hiding? Don't do that Kathleen.. but I did. Just got angry.
He'd been Lexus Man.. loved the luxury and comfy roomy seats. Now I'm squawking imagining how hip and happy he feels driving a really cool car. "But it doesn't matter!" And it's none of my business. But I'd liked the idea of him in a regular car.. but no. I'm such a baby. I was denied that pleasure.
All my spew starts sputtering forth.. he's a frickin' liar, that he doesn't have money.. "But it doesn't matter!" I'm stuck in this house I don't want to be in any more.. "But it doesn't matter!"
I just get so wound up sometimes.. and it's so silly. Seeing him can set me off right back to where I was two years ago. That's because I have no life. Although I've been able to move on in some areas, I'm still stuck. I'll let my life still revolve.. get jerked into his orbit.. I DO IT! Arrggghhhh...
And I'm fat.. sheesh.. jiggle wish I was Pillsbury Dough Boy thin...
And I'm old.. where the frick did all these wrinkles come from, thinning 'No Zone' hair
And when I get like this I'm the compilation of everything and anything that's ever been wrong with me.
Does anyone else ever go into this type of nosedive? I mean.. if I suck a little, I suck a whoooole lot!
So.. my daughter was back in record time (less than 45 minutes.. she said he was rushing through dinner), she brought me her salad (so cute), she went to a show with a friend. After I dropped them off I decided not to go directly home.. just get out and be around other folks doing that Christmas shopping thing. It was good.. although it's hard because I can't figure out what to buy.. if anything.
Score one for sanity by getting out of the house.
After a good night's sleep, I tackled my previously pristine bedroom, gathered all the dirty clothes and started doing laundry. Simple, actionable items. Room looks great, clothes look great. I'm planning on seeing a show tonight, asked a friend.. she's unavailable, but I'll go anyway.
GAL.. something I've dropped by the wayside. Getting out of my stay in the cave mentality.. working on it.
A Hummer is an idiotic car. It is certainly about as far away from a cool car as possible. But, you are right that anyone forfeiting a Lexus for a Hummer doesn't understand "broke."
He got rid of a lexus because he couldn't afford to fix it...then he buys a hummer! I'm laughing already.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Yes.. the Hummer was a bit of a surprise ..It's none of my business.. but then again he has to stay young from his much younger wife. My brother has a theory ..It's none of my business.. that he's living his thirties that he felt he missed... ..It's none of my business.. I also am guessing even though ..It's none of my business.. that his wife is a very needy dependent personality. It's odd.. so was I when I met him. It's only through the divorce that I've learned how to be less needy (though doing that hermit thing isn't so good) and dependent. It's also nice not to feel like I am always wrong 100% of the time. However I'm still good at giving myself the old messages which I'm slowly erasing.
It was GREAT fun going out for dinner and movie with Donna and her friend. I kept thanking her for bringing me back to the land of the living! After the show we went for ice cream and I found the pictures of a banana split looking a bit too phallic. I think it's been too long.. even though I can't quite imagine.. never mind.
Full time hermiting is EXHAUSTING. Someone mentioned that the bigger the Hummer the smaller the.. err.... fella. I chuckled then thought.. hey wait a second.. I know how big his ding dong is, or at least have vague memories!
My house has been doing a very slow decline via horizontal clutter. My daughter wanted a DQ Blizzard. I said we could get one if we cleaned up the main living areas. Then she was ohhh so tired. I set the timer for 15 minutes for both of us to work. "But I'm tired" she moaned but commenced working nonetheless. After about 10 minutes she asks "What would it take to get a Blizzard now?" I said a total of 1/2 hour of cleaning. Which we did. And the rooms look great. And I went online and got a 2 for 1 Blizzard coupon. A great return on investment for $4.
However, I'm hating the fake Christmas tree. It's wobbly, some of the lights don't work and the ones that don't are hot to the touch. I always get nervous at the thought of a potential house fire. I'm thinking, toss the fake one.. it's probably 10 years old by now, go get a real one, rejoice in what I love about the holiday rather than exist with what doesn't work.
Oh yes.. does anyone do dream therapy? I had a 12 month old baby, was crawling through an old filing cabinet climbing out to find I was near term with a second baby which I neatly had during the dream, took some acting classes, was hit on by a married man who divorced his wife. And I was embarrassed that I had to nurse my newborn in the middle of it all.
Yeah, I don't think they could make that story up if they tried!! LOL What an imagination you have. I am glad that you got out and that you got your daughter on board with you on the clean up train. My S14 is quietly doing his part and motivating me with his daily dose of cleaning.
We are all getting there one step at a time.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
hey gyps..just got caught up. can't stop laughing. Who the hell drives ahummer these day anyway? What a joke... Glad you are getting out a little. it is very easy this time of year up in our neck of the woods to become a hermit..with the weather and all. i wish you would stop paying attention to your ex. i know it is difficult ... trust me i know. but eventually, you have to come to the realization that you are divorce, he is remarried and drives a HUMMER (LOL). I live alone and am thinking about adopting a dog. Not sure you are into that. At least it will force you to get out and walk it twice a day and be a good companion. Just a suggestion Gyps... i think the key to putting less and less emphasis on the X is to get someone else in our life. maybe a dog is a good start. Our DQs are closed for the winter...I guess CT has balmy weather or folks who just adore banana splits year round!
That's a wild dream for analysis. hmmm.... Maybe it means you shouldn't eat spicy foods before bedtime.
I like John's idea of adopting a dog. If you've ever considered it then now might be a good time.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
