#67 Cant find my "pieces"

[Kalni]

Sara,
if I didnt feel compassion about him loosing his mom, I would have said something really mean. Like, "thank God she is not alive to watch you destroying this family..." My MiL adored me. A few people have said if she were alive, none of this would have happened. I dont know.
K

[naej]

Hi Maria, I am sure a lot gets lost translation but even I am confused by these last few paragraphs.

Are you going full force ahead with your own life---thereby no longer waiting for your H to catch you up and do what you need him to do to restore your marriage.
The marriage is over but you are not going to file OR the marriage is not over yet.
H saying "ok then, agreed, I will do as you please this time". means he IS going to do all the things you have repeatedly told him you need, OR was he agreeing that he was not going to try anymore and will give you your divorce.?

Somewhere,somehow Maria you have to get off this limbo train.

[Kalni]

Naej,
yes sorry, I think a lot is lost in traslation. Especially when I am upset. Last night he was trying to convince me to not make any D decisions while telling me what I am asking is understandable but beyond him. "He cant change, he cant express his love to me, he loves me BUT..." So at one point I told him it is not accpetable for me to live with crumbs and I want to end this limbo no matter how hurtful it is for me -because it is.

Before he answered, I actually asked him to help me, do it, not stall, to not chicken out and just divorce, fast. He wouldnt answer, I asked him if he could just agree with me, he said he couldnt because "he wanted to try more". I told him I didnt want him to try more, I was asking him to stop trying and that I wanted him to agree with the divorce. He reluctantly said "ok...".

There isnt much I can do to move ahead full force with my life. My life is stable and OK. Not great, but ok. I have my job, my family, my friends, I am doing OK with money, I am ok. All I need to do now is to detach again, completely and REALISE this man CANT be my husband. He cant.

This friend of mine last night said, I am the only "basic, like I am needed to him to have an identity" in his life. Me and the kids are and because he cant imagine having the kids without having me in the pic, he will never divorce me. She said, "what he felt for you died and wont come back again, ever, you need to let go and divorce him". That kind of hurt I admit, hearing our best woman saying his feelings died and would never come back. But it fits the picture. Her theory fits the pic. He said that is not right but even his words, made me realise she is closer to the truth than anything. He wants to, he just cant love me.

Hey, his feelings died. You know? After the A (which he last night said, was not rosy at all after the secretive part), the years apart, his feelings were bound to die. Mine on the other hand, went into coma for more than a few times and every time, my will was to bring them back. Stupid me. It's ok, it wasnt meant to be.
K

[john210]

Hey K,

Sorry to hear about the outcome of latest conversation. Your girlfriend may be right with her theory or there may be something else. It was obvious from the outset that he was not acting "as expected". You on the other hand had or have a "need" to talk and discuss or compare with OW. You guys actually brought up their relationship last night again. maybe that is the difficulty with reconciling...the inability to shake off the past.
I have no idea what it must be like to lose a parent. I would hope that I will not traet it like a national holiday. I don't get that whole respect the day his mother died thing....at all. It is not a date like Christmas or New Year's day. It is the day his mom passed away...you respect her memory (if that makes sense) but not the date? What are you supposed to do on that day? You can not have a discussion with him....he does however go to work on that date does he not? Sorry if I sound a little insensitive this morning.

[addie]

Kalni,
Many things that your H has done or not done just do not add up. There is something that is not quite right. I wouldn't be surprised if he was still very much addicted to OW and thus his inability to act lovingly towards you. This happened with my H even after his PA ended. He was telling me he wanted ME but kept pursuing OW for a very long time. He was addicted to her eventhough he realized the type of person she was.
Your H's inaction with the R has been unacceptable.

[naej]

Maria, thanks for clarifying it for me, I am so sorry and am just sending you a hug (((())))
Sad though it is to say you really don't need this man in your life.
Better days will come, take care.

[MichelleLT]

(((Maria)))

Sorry to hear about this latest batch of stuff. I want to smack your H for not treating you like you deserve!!!!

[Kalni]

This a lovely sunny morning here in Athens. Probably around 15 celcious. My kids are doing their homework and I am getting really sad all this had to blow up this season of the year again.

H picked up the kids yesterday and brought them before he had to go to work. Same old chitty situation. So many times before, happening again. All it would have taken him, would be to be a bit tender and caring consistently. All it would have taken it would have been to show he is happy to be with me.
He couldnt do it.
Whatever...
K

[mishka422]

((((((Maria)))))))

I'm glad it's sunny for you there today. Much better to have sunshine on a sad day than to have the weather match your mood. It kind of strikes a balance.

WOW! Your friend put that in perspective didn't she? She's right. His feelings died, he identifies himself as your H and your kid's dad...a family man. Without you that makes him what? A dad, yes. Not a family man though. Most likely in his mind a family only occurs when there are two parents involved. I'm not saying that is correct (I'd like to think that Marc and I are a whole family in ourselves) but just that he can only see it that way. He will have to work his way through that all by himself. I hope he can for your children's sake.

You will build yourself up further into the beautiful, strong, capable woman we all know you are. This sadness will slowly go away after a season and you will inevitably bloom into a rose! You know, beautiful, but with thorns that will warn away those that try to harm you!

[john210]

Hey Maria, any updates?