I suppose now you see why sometimes people think it's easier to start over rather than try and repair what's broken. Unfortunately, starting over doesn't guarantee you'll end up in a better place.
I could parse what you wrote, but I don't think I need to. You're unhappy, she's unhappy. You want her to give more of what you need, she wants you to give more of what she needs.
Communication can be really hard and take a surprisingly long time to learn. That's why it'd be really good if you found a counselor who could help you over this hump. And that's what it is - a hump. Don't try to cast it into a conflict or you'll color all your interactions in a self-repeating cycle. Actually, I think you're already doing that. Whatever you say confirms her beliefs, and whatever she does confirms yours. You guys aren't communicating and you aren't able to cut through the little mind games we all play.
Have you thought about retrouvaille? That might help get those loving feelings back. I already mentioned counseling. Other than that, all I can say is try to stay loose and cool. Be a duck and let it all slide off. You don't need to look to her to be happy - you need to look to yourself to be happy. If you're a confident, happy man who doesn't take her bait, the conflict will fade. Be who you are and be confident in that. Get your swagger back. What would a strong, confident man do in order to save a marriage without losing his self-esteem or let his boundaries be violated? What do you do to charm?
That said, Forward has a valid point and I think you need to consider your XW's mental state. That's why I keep telling you to ask DanceQueen to weigh in on your sitch, since she offers really good advice in this department. You can't depend on guys giving good advice about women - you need to talk to a woman who's in touch enough to be able to share.
