Want to note the positive "baby steps" so I don't lose sight of them.
Went to MIL's for Hannukah with H and S. Mix up early on about the time we were supposed to leave. Would have usually been a fight, me feeling blown off by H when he was late, H feeling whatever - controlling? manipulated? whatever his negative reactions are. Instead, I stayed cool and non blaming and when I realized he and his mom had not clarified the time, I stayed out of it and remained flexible and non blaming. H got going as fast as he could and even apologized for the mix up!
I stayed upbeat and bubbly in the 45 min. car ride over - we had positive, fun, friendly talks. H even touched my knee at one point. I blew it and touched him on his back at another point - oh well. Big difference from the fights over the last holiday, Thanksgiving.
Had a good visit with MIL. On the way home, H got upset when I said I didn't know where some insurance papers were, but he verbalized that this worries him and causes him extra stress, instead of attacking. I said I understood, apologized, and remained reassuring instead of reactive like I normally would. I would normally feel attacked - he gets abusive when anxious. I didn't take the bait, just said I'd find it - and I did promptly as soon as we got home.
H started with "never mind" and shutting down when he was talking about what to do about a gas leak in "his" apt, and I gave some answers that were annoying to him. Obviously anything to do with his apt. is anxiety producing for me, and when he shuts down is my big button. But I just stopped talking, thought about it, gave him my answer and dropped it. No fight.
When we got home, H offered to read S stories then said he had to go. I said fine. H also offered to fix tv which had stopped working last night. He started getting aggressive and verbally abusive around - I couldn't tell what. He wanted me to do something about the tv? Not distract S when listening to stories? Usually, I would feel that he is demanding something of me and that I need to do something to fix it but I don't understand what he wants or why he's mad. I put my hands up as if to say "stop", and he got mad about that gesture....I just walked away.
I imagined an imaginary boundary - literally an imaginary wall between us. I proceeded to get on with my night behind the "wall" and ignore the tantrum going on on the other side of the "wall." This is counterintuitive, but it worked. when S was done with stories, I just continued to get him ready for bed and closed the bedroom door. H apologized again - twice in one day??? - for "being fiesty" because he was stressed out that it was late and he still had things to do. I just said I understood and he should go take care of his stuff and said a pleasant good bye.
We are meeting for the second MC tomorrow and I am scared of what to bring up. Don't want to push for "better behavior" or "what will it take to reconcile" but I don't want to let H steer the discussion either as he might go off on abusive tangents.
Anyhow, I think today was full of positive baby steps. Even thought I dream of him begging to return home, I need to remember that these baby steps will hopefully lead somewhere. And if they only lead to D, I have done the best I can.
