the court won't care that an 18 y/o SIBLING is watching your d...) I mean what's the worry? Is the d18 a felon or drug addict?) In fact I'd have suggested her first.
Please detach...detach...Do Not even let the thought that your XH...X....would pull a "Tiger" on you enter your brain. Why torture yourself?
Tiger's sitch just got discovered and his w just found out and THIS decision to work on the M and stop golf, is WHAT a guy who at least seems to want his m to work, does now to start the road to recovery and healing. Your h did not choose that in the past when he had the chance...and he still isnt' making that choice....so, his response was...telling...Know enough now?? Plus You keep making it about what HE wants whether he's going to go for it, and not why on earth you'd want HIM? I don't get it. You're not looking at the sitch with a healthy attitude...
Let him go. He's gone anyhow, and you need to move on. As I said, and others have said, if the time comes that your X h wants another m with you --you won't have to guess or read into things.
You will KNOW...and until if and when that happens, stop spinning your wheels honey. Go live a real life. Go Get A Life...you can do this. You did it before, do it again.
Stop this crazy cycle. And I Mean crazy...your Xh had other women, AND a drinking problem AND can't have supervised visits b/c he doesn't have his [censored] together AND he's got financial problems AND he mooches....Sweetie, What the heck is it gonna take for you to let go of this loser? I'm sorry but what's it gonna take --he has to hit you in the face? Would THAT Clarify things? Please dont' make THAT the only thing that would free you. Free yourself!!
Is it hopeless? Well if you'd take him back as he is now, then YES it is hopeless. But If you move forward in your life and GAL and grow from this and then he notices AND decides he wants back in AND that he DOES the work it would take THEN and ONLY THEN do you need to spend an ounce of thought on this...and IF ALL Of these things took place then MAYBE I'd say there's hope! Go for it!
But alas, you are not near that type of place. So the good news is that there is a lot more clarity than you pretend. Some periodic affection thrown your way is NOT a move towards a reconciliation....sorry...you know what it is. ANd what it is not...
So go for the GAL activities and have fun tonight! j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My biggest fear about leaving baby with a sitter (even d18) is that exh will want to stay with her if I chose to go somewhere. I can't have that. It will turn into a huge battle and fight.
I'm going tonight. Figures the one and only night I go anywhere its in the middle of a freaking rain storm.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
My biggest fear about leaving baby with a sitter (even d18) is that exh will want to stay with her if I chose to go somewhere. I can't have that. It will turn into a huge battle and fight.
How would he know you're going out somewhere, unless you tell him? Sorry - but I don't get it. How can he be with her without your permission? Are you saying you are somehow forced to tell him your plans?Or are you saying he's stalking you and always knows where you are and with whom? That's...pretty insane. You guys are not married, so he has no right to know what's going on in your personal life, just as you have no rights to his. Is it possible that you enjoy giving him control over your life b/c you confuse that "control" with attention and that's somehow = love...?? Am I missing something?
Okay, let's say "somehow" he finds out that you have plans & AND for some reason he chooses THAT time to assert his non-existent custody rights....why not tell him "Don't come over or I"ll call the cops" & then if he comes over, in violation of court orders, call them…This is a no brainer. But your dilemma at what seems obvious to me, is sad. Here's what you are missing S2... If you were to cave in on this behavior and let him around your d alone, you would be in contempt of court along with him. So You'd rather take a chance on losing your D than facing your Xh's anger? And you'd lose your d ([b]to Child Protective Svcs, Not your Xh) b/c letting him have her unsupervised - puts you both on the hook for violating the order, for neglect, or worse, endangerment...That's a bad bad thing so...what are you thinking? I hope you are having an AWAKENING soon...
I'm going tonight. Figures the one and only night I go anywhere its in the middle of a freaking rain storm.
"Figures the one and only night I go anywhere...blah blah blah" Come on! You ARE GOING OUT!
Knock off the negative attitude. Self pity is a turn off and the weather is not a conspiracy against you. Be glad it's a cozy wet night that is perfect for D18 hanging with her little sis...and think again about how lucky you are in your life. I'm not sure you understand that at all. Partly this happens b/c you are still obsessing about your former h and that makes for negative programming and a sense of "lacking" in your life. Don't let that man be a measurement for anything except how much torture you're willing and able to handle. Better yet, make him an example of what you USED to be willing to take --and now won't...
Have some fun and then do that thing everyone's always talking about...you do remember? It's called DETACHMENT[/u] and there are tons of quotes and explanations and articles on this site about Detachment. YOU MUST DETACH...YOU MUST GAL...YOU MUST MOVE ON... Do you read and [u]process what is written to you? Seriously? [/b] I used to print out particularly helpful posts that touched me, and some of them I carried around with me, literally. I also recorded a few on my Ipod for my "power walks" and my "anger jogs" and I drilled into my head what I needed to KNOW in my head and heart so they'd really sink in. I would read them before I expected H to call or if I felt the urge to call him but knew it was a bad idea, or time to go dark. I ask this b/c I am repeating myself early on in this R of ours. You say that my posts help you. How? What's different b/c you read them? Is it a matter of letting the truth sink in or what? I mean you ARE divorced so there's no M to save. There are sites on this DB for surviving div which you are doing but you could be so much happier. If you let yourself. I cannot imagine you being happy with this man. I can't. How could you be? You never really were before...honestly...so maybe you need to stop all this "last chance" poop. Yi yi yi... Why not hand your pain and anger over to God? Do it! Let HIM handle it b/c it's bringing you down and keeping you stuck. Turn it over to Him and don't take it back...That helps more than anything. Yes your Xh was a jerk to you. Worse things have happened in the world. Move on....yes he MAY want to be around D more this time of year and you are part of the package...so what? MOVE ON....true he may get in "the holiday mood" and use you for @#$%, so don't let him and again, MOVE ON... Look, just do whatever it takes to break this cycle of yours. You are "attached" to a man who isn't married to you anymore, and you're behaving as if there's a marriage to save. You gotta...MOVE ON... Do what it takes to be happy and do it now. This isn't rocket science. It's not easy I know. But it isn't complicated.[b] It really is simple. Detach, GAL, and make forward progress in your life. You'll improve as a woman and mother and that matters. You will be happier as a direct result. What else matters? What else could possibly make you more attractive anyhow? See, moving on is the only path. [/b]
Deal with your Xh as you deal with your other one. (Or less...) He's a co-parent with some hassles' attached b/c he isn't man enough to be able to have unsupervised visitation yet. (Sorry to sound harsh but Why else is HE in the sitch HE's in? & That's NOT your responsibility! I almost sense guilt in you for him having the supervisory requirements...stop that. You know better.
Example of how this CAN work my brother's wife has 3 d's from her prior M. Like you, she has an XH--and like you, her Xh has Supervised visitation. (That man, the XH, literally kidnapped his d's at one point and hid them overseas...Went to jail. So he's lucky to be able to see them at all, considering))... ANYHOW, my brother & his wife asked our oldest bil to be the "supervisor" for those visits so that they would not have to deal with him. This required minor paperwork w/ the state. So on those occasions, like 1-2 Saturdays a month, when the XH was to see his girls, my oldest BIL would tag along and hang back some. He'd drive the nieces to the meeting place, e.g., a mall to meet their dad-the XH, and bil still hangs back to give them some privacy, semi-following them, eating in the same restaurants, sitting a few rows back in a movie, etc. The Xh pays for this, by law. So he pays my bil something like $25. Yes, he pays to see his own d's b/c he broke the law with them before and I assume your h did the same.That's what it takes. Supervised visitation is a legal requirement so the XH has no choice and neither does yours, so what's all the fuss about?
No more spinning in place. You are ready to move on now. You have to. Give yourself the life you deserve. Give your d's the role model they deserve and do it now. [/color] j-
PS Rather than feel you must give a point by point "rebuttal" to a post that makes you think, let it make you think some more. Reflect on things. We don't have to have answers to our questions unless we say so, and you can always ignore. My point in posting is to get you to realize something in your mind and for it to eventually make a difference in how you act in your life. So it's not really a debate. Sometimes, yes of course they can be. But in your sitch most all the advice you get is a form of the same thing--we're all telling you not to need this man --and to stand up for yourself and make and enforce boundaries and in some way, to move on. Does moving on always mean giving up? NO! But it does mean to assume you'll be without him and that you'll be happy anyhow.
That is what I hope you get from my posts at some level, and that it eventually sinks into your core. Believe in yourself and your innate ability to be happy inside, with or without a man next to you, let alone a man who has a history of mistreating you that far outweighs the times he treated you well. He has "issues"...don't be one of them anymore. Let me hear you say it, you are going to...MOVE ON!! Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Right now..I am moving on in my sleep. Last night was pretty fun. Put baby to bed and left. Was only a mile away so it was easy to get home. Got to the place and met my friends. We danced and had a great time. Got a text from my daughter at 10 that baby was awake. She was happy with d18 watching a movie for awhile. I got home around 11 and she was super upset. By midnight she had a 103 fever just out of nowhere. No other symptoms, just a fever. Up all night..so this momma is tired. I did have a great time in those couple of hours though. Saw alot of people I haven't seen in awhile.
Oh, how would my exh find out that I was out? Guaranteed he will with in a few days. Small town, people talk. I know its not bad once in awhile. I didn't drink and was home within a couple of hours.
For those few hours I hardly thought about exh at all which was nice. The busier I am and the more I am out of the house doing things the better I am.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I actually call it something other than Mommy time...
At varies times, and in all important ways, I am many thing...
Mom Friend Teacher Artist Seeker Student Donna - just me, just being (many others...)
Each piece is important, each piece brings us closer to balance. Short-change one piece and all the others suffer, because you are not attending to the WHOLENESS of who you are.
It's not nice to get out of the house once in a while - it is NECESSARY!!
And agreed, don't spend an iota of energy on whether your ex knows, doesn't know, cares, doesn't care.
I like the Mommy time. I just don't know if the bar scene is my thing. I felt totally out of place there and was not amused at getting hit on my 21 year olds! :)Dinner and movies is more my speed now. My gf really likes it and it seems to give her the ego lift she needs.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
in his ideal world he would be able to manage coming and going here like he pleases, keeping me mentally from moving on, and walk out and go be with whomever he wants and do what he wants. He can do that. I cannot.
hun, you really think he can do this? why do you think he has an alcohol/drug problem? cause he's way weaker than you.
Don't put yourself down, start building yourself up. You are a strong woman, God has created you wonderfully!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
And S2, your d's problem with her bf is a RED FLAG for you. OMG her fears and trust issues come across as needy and probably controlling to her bf so she's undermining her R with him and that comes from your experience!! Come on, straighten up and pick yourself up and dust yourself off...what signal do you need, to see that your behavior is having an effect on your children? IT IS! .... Your d thinks she has to have a bf or she's unworthy (Where'd she get that idea?) and she's worried that her bf will cheat b/c he's out with the boys and instead of choosing to be with her friends for a chick night out or a chick flick evening at home, she's frantic and hurt...it's urgent that you show them stronger healthier behavior...NOW.
I do believe that we have influence on our children, but have you seen teenage girls? wow. I remember a friend of mine, brought up in a very loving, extremely stable (her parents still happily married) christian home, but my friend was still insecure. she was so needy to guys that they practically ran away from her soon after they started dating.
Of course SO2's actions will help, but many times this is a personal trait as well as a lifelong learned trait. For me, I was in an unstable home, parents divorced at 14, my mom was devastated forever and took years before recovering from it, and I was the exact opposite of my friend.
I say SO2, because I don't want you to feel like your D is acting like this just because of you. Why not take this time to learn together perhaps? Being a teenage girl is hard. Everything in the world tells us that we aren't good enough, and that's so scary, and that's why so many girls get pregnant.
anyways, SO2, I'm really happy that you got to go out!! even if it was in the rain. hey, it could have been freezing rain!
can I suggest a book? Hung by the Tongue. I have heard this author speak and it was so convicting for me. He is a christian, and the book is definitely christian. If somehow you can find a speech of his, do, I liked listening to him more than reading the book, but the book is not long, much shorter than Michelles. But I can see that you were like me. It is easy for you to see the glass half empty. I really think this book will benefit you. What we focus on in life, is what is going to develop. We get to choose to zoom out and refocus or not. I'm learning that myself. It can truly change your life.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I will look into that book ST. I have no idea what exh is capeable of doing. Hard to say. A friend of mine who knows both of us well says she thinks this is what he 'wants' for his life, but knows with the issues he has there is no way it will fly long term. He doesn't want to do the work to change.
Baby is feeling better and I need to try and finish Xmas shopping. I only have a couple left, but don't want to wait until last minute. I haven't wrapped one gift yet. Our Xmas tree has ornaments only on the top half. We had to move them as baby was taking all of them.
Exh was texting me all afternoon as he had a banquet to go to with his d15. It was right in the middle of his Cowboys game and he was texting me asking what the score was.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
You gotta...MOVE ON...
