trying "no contact" seperation need help

[ClingingToHope]

NB1, I go back and forth all the time on whether I should file or let this take its course.

I've been out seven months. Nine weeks ago I forced -- against DB rules -- our last R talk and she said she "hasn't changed her mind. We're getting divorced." Twenty days later she told me over the phone she would be "filing soon" but then 10 days later asked for attorneys who do collaborative divorce.

Since, we've had no R talks, she hasn't mentioned divorce, and since I'm at our old house every day during the week to see the girls off the bus, I can't find any kind of legal or financial paperwork -- or even Web sites or searches on her computer -- that indicate she's moved at all on filing.

I may be wrong. She may just be waiting until after the holidays.

So I'm stuck in limboland and there are days I set little deadlines for myself and if nothing has changed then I'll file. Then the next day we'll have a small but positive interaction and I'll think I can wait it through. Or I'll go to church and hear how the bible is against D and that'll make me stronger.

But then I'll notice -- like Saturday -- when she's out on the weekends when I have the girls, and I'll think that she's never going to come back to me and I'm being a chump. Or I'll be working a second job and wondering why I'm living like this while she gets to sit in our old home receiving generous support from me even though she outearns me.

I like to have a plan in place and just sitting here seems so -- frustrating. I have adopted a tentative plan that I keep coming back to. On Mother's Day, we'll have been separated a year and just finished a month (April) where it was my birthday and our anniversary.

If nothing has changed for the better, I'll have enough to pay a legal retainer and then will meet with my lawyer to see whether I should just get things going.

But tomorrow I may tell you I don't know about that plan. Every day is just so hard.

Don't know if that helps you. I just wanted you to know we all have these up-and-down days.