Counseling conundrums

[SpyBunny]

Hello all- thank you for your good thoughts.

I haven’t posted much on here lately- I guess I’ve been feeling my way through this transition and I’m nowhere close to figuring it out. I don't feel all that courageous, classy or strong at the moment, like you all have been saying (and my family) (see above). I don't know what you're seeing.

My friend at work says we are the oddest separated couple that she knows in that there is NO fighting. H is still bending over backwards to help me out around the townhouse and getting me set up on my own, he invited me over for pizza with him and the kids on Friday night and for breakfast this morning. He asked if I was helping them set up the tree this year, and I said I would since Christmas with his family is at our house this year. He’s coming over later this week to help set my tree up and to fix my closet rod, but I’m tempted to just do the tree myself. Let me explain…

H stopped by this past Wednesday- he picked up a couple of things for me at the hardware store (this was totally on his own initiative- I hadn’t asked him for anything) He stayed maybe 15 minutes, looking around at the townhouse, seeing how I was decorating, etc… At one point he pulls me in for a hug which lasted a couple of minutes at least. I didn’t know if he was looking for something sexual or was just missing me, or what the deal was, but nothing else happened.

Last night he IM’d me. During the conversation I let him know that I know he modified his profile. He tells me I should set one up for myself- “No need to deny my sexuality”. Oh- and is my webcam on? Is BOB getting a workout? Where I am storing BOB? How’s the battery situation? He moans about never having gone this long without sex since we started dating 21 years ago. (Sorry H- no webcam show, you’re on your own…)

And today- he and I are decorating the Christmas tree. Halfway through, he pulls me onto his lap, strokes my back, neck and hair like he knows I love, kisses me, and this goes on way too long. We stop as we don’t want to risk D17 walking in- the poor kid is confused enough as it is. I know I should have pulled away as soon as he started, but it was so nice. But I won’t be just a booty call to him, he’s got to be ready to fully commit and look at his role in our M, and I can’t see how he’s ready to do that after being separated for only 2 weeks. I need to keep some distance from him- I’m a little nervous to be alone with him, not out of fear, but because that boundary got weakened and we both know it.

Easy answer- go dark, I know. I wish I knew if he was missing ME, and not just a sexual partner. I don’t trust what I see and hear from him. And I wish I knew why he was being so nice- is it guilt? Trying to soften me up for sex and keep me from asking for support? I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure all this out.

[TrentC]

Last night he IM’d me. During the conversation I let him know that I know he modified his profile. He tells me I should set one up for myself- “No need to deny my sexuality”. Oh- and is my webcam on? Is BOB getting a workout? Where I am storing BOB? How’s the battery situation? He moans about never having gone this long without sex since we started dating 21 years ago. (Sorry H- no webcam show, you’re on your own…)

I realize that you two are still married, but those questions are WAY out of line considering the state of your relationship! He was grilling you about whether or not you were getting your kit off regularly? Seriously? What a sleazeball!

And he's moaning about not getting any but he's got a singles profile up? I think he can take care of himself just fine then...

And today- he and I are decorating the Christmas tree. Halfway through, he pulls me onto his lap, strokes my back, neck and hair like he knows I love, kisses me, and this goes on way too long.

[...]

I’m a little nervous to be alone with him, not out of fear, but because that boundary got weakened and we both know it.

Yep, he was totally testing your boundary. That's what all of this nice behavior is about -- trying to lure you back in.

Easy answer- go dark, I know. I wish I knew if he was missing ME, and not just a sexual partner. I don’t trust what I see and hear from him. And I wish I knew why he was being so nice- is it guilt? Trying to soften me up for sex and keep me from asking for support? I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure all this out.

I think this is the truth, sorry to say.

[Greek]

Last night he IM’d me. During the conversation I let him know that I know he modified his profile. He tells me I should set one up for myself- “No need to deny my sexuality”. Oh- and is my webcam on? Is BOB getting a workout? Where I am storing BOB? How’s the battery situation? He moans about never having gone this long without sex since we started dating 21 years ago. (Sorry H- no webcam show, you’re on your own…)

A man talks to you like this ^ .....

And today- he and I are decorating the Christmas tree. Halfway through, he pulls me onto his lap, strokes my back, neck and hair like he knows I love, kisses me, and this goes on way too long. We stop as we don’t want to risk D17 walking in- the poor kid is confused enough as it is. I know I should have pulled away as soon as he started, but it was so nice. But I won’t be just a booty call to him, he’s got to be ready to fully commit and look at his role in our M, and I can’t see how he’s ready to do that after being separated for only 2 weeks. I need to keep some distance from him- I’m a little nervous to be alone with him, not out of fear, but because that boundary got weakened and we both know it.

And then you let him do this ^ ???

Easy answer- go dark, I know.

Not "go dark", my sister. LIGHTS OUT.

I wish I knew if he was missing ME, and not just a sexual partner. I don’t trust what I see and hear from him. And I wish I knew why he was being so nice- is it guilt? Trying to soften me up for sex and keep me from asking for support? I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure all this out.

Bunny ~ You deserve a man who will speak to you like a gentleman does - not talk trash after advertising himself for sex online. And then you let him touch you? You are so much more than that - if only you thought so. Instead you're wondering if a guy LIKE THAT misses you.

Greek

[TrentC]

Bunny ~ You deserve a man who will speak to you like a gentleman does - not talk trash after advertising himself for sex online. And then you let him touch you? You are so much more than that - if only you thought so. Instead you're wondering if a guy LIKE THAT misses you.

Indeed!

I love my wife and we have enjoyed a healthy sex life at times, but it would never ever occur to me to talk to my wife like that.

I know you've got a lot to process, but this guy is poison to you and your self-respect.

[Kettricken]

I agree with what the above posters have said, but it goes beyond that. All this being up in your business, fixing things unsolicited, etc .... this is about control, pure and simple. Making sure he still has it. Making sure you still "need him".

He does not have two places, yours and his. YOU need to draw the boundary on all this. If you don't, sorry, he's not the only one to blame for not taking you seriously.

It's one of the skeeviest things I've heard in awhile. Please talk to your counselor about this. I still don't think you're quite clear on the dynamic, and no wonder considering your marital history.

Sheesh.

[SpyBunny]

I still don't think you're quite clear on the dynamic

I'm not sure what you mean by this- do you mean I don't know how to go dark? Because that's probably true- I know the theory, but have trouble putting it into action. My "people- pleaser" personality (especially when it comes to H) is still in control too often.

I called my counselor over a week ago but I couldn't get an appointment until mid-January, but I am on the cancellation list. That seemed OK because I wasn't in a crisis mode after the move out. But I think I do need time and help to figure out who I am- on my own and without H's influence; I have hardly begun to think about that one.

[Greek]

But I think I do need time and help to figure out who I am- on my own and without H's influence; I have hardly begun to think about that one.

You will not know this ^ until you call a HALT to H's influence. You need more than time, Bunny, to figure this out. You need to keep him away from you. You have your own place, declared it your territory...and he's there decorating your tree???? If you really want to know who you are absent his influence ~~~ well, you know what to do.
Greek

[Kettricken]

What Greek just said is basically what I meant. He is trampling all over your boundaries with regard to your space and your body and you are *letting him*. And you don't really seem to realize it .....

[SpyBunny]

I can do my own tree- he offered to help, but I can politely decline on that matter. And I do need to make that break from him. Maybe I got distracted by his attentiveness. I wasn't expecting it, and I let my guard down. He used to be really sweet and nice when we first met and in the early years of our M, and I was seeing glimpses of that sweet guy again.

But I also saw the sexual dysfunction side of him too. He really wouldn't care if I slept with another guy right now. Like I said, he was encouraging me to set up my own profile and was giving me all sorts of tips- like making sure to screen out the unsavory guys, and "remember to block so-and-so because we met them and they were f***heads..." Typing this makes me wonder- WTF is he thinking? And why is he? And why the he!! did I let him carry on about it- that's him sucking me back into all the crap I was trying to get away from.

I feel like an idiot- intellectually I know I am more worth more than that. So you're right- I need help with from my IC in that maybe I just don't totally believe it.

[iwantittowork]

Bunny,

I want to add some comments, but also that I am no expert, just someone dealing with the same things at times, so I suggest you bring these up with your IC as soon as you can! If you can't get to your IC until mid January, you may want to look to find another, as that seems far to long to me!

I know you are confused right now, but he is showing you the classic narcissist chameleon.

That is why your seeing the weird sexual advances, and off color txt'ing alongside the "Mr. Nice" routine. Because his actions are not about you, they are about him. I know this, as I was there. I truly didn't know it, and your H may not either, but the effects on you are still there!

It's been said that after dealing with this, some people come out with symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome. Don't take this lightly, after being in this situation!

See this blog and site for some help with this: http://narcissismfree.blogspot.com/

I have brought some of this up before, but going to bring it up again.

As part of your GAL, I HIGHLY recommend that you go out to a bookstore, or get this book below and spend some time reading it. I don't recommend this book lightly, as there are things in it that I also highly disagree with, but the main focus of what you have been dealing with is truly in there! Don't be put off by the 'verbal' in the title, if you don't think you have been 'verbally' abused, it's part in parcel about emotional abuse as well.

http://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Recognize-Respond/dp/1558505822

Also, you may want to consider reading "No More Mr Nice guy" to get and understanding of where your H my truly be at, in my opinion. It is a book for guys and about guys, but there are connections to the 'Verbally Abusive Relationship' as well.

You ARE a classy and strong women!