I should check on that, Nut. I guess I need to talk to an attorney.
Yes Yes Yes! Just because you consult an attorney does not mean that you have to take any action--it will be your call. Having said that, no principled and considered action that you take at this point will drive her any closer to the dbag. She's already there.
You need to be prepared for the worst--an ugly divorce and custody battle. If you know ahead of time what her options are and how to counter them, then it won't throw you for an emotional loop when she threatens you with them. You'll be able to look her right in the eye and coolly say "you will do what you need to do." That's confidence and that's attractive.
As far as exposing the affair to the superiors at work, that could cut both ways. It might make the affair more difficult to conduct, but you run the risk of looking vengeful. Also if your wife loses her job, you will be even more on the hook for spousal support. She would also have less to contribute to the upkeep of your children. You should run this by your attorney before taking any action. You might want to reflect on your reasons for doing it as well. 10 years from now when your kids talk to you about how you handled this situation, you'll want to be able to look them in the eye.
UPDATE: not good. Met at church. Ran an errand after for our 4 yr olds bday party tomorrow, took the boys back, and I found out on the way home that wife spent the day at the dbag's house with the boys, when she promised she wouldn't introduce the boys to him. So she is simply out of control now, and I know I need to file official separation papers. Will be contacting an attorney ASAP. In the meantime, I need help (I have the rest of Sun to feel the shock of this...ugh) focusing on what I need to do to protect myself with the separation agreement.
I'm going to take her off my business account. I'm also going to have her pay bills that are hers (her car payment, birth control, credit cards, etc). Should I also drop her from our family phone plan? Probably, right?
I called her immediately (i know, bad idea) after I found out, and she was defensive, and hung up on me. Stated that she hasn't gotten lodging yet, but that she is now thinking about an apartment, which is great bc she will have to pay for that on her own. She really just is in la-la land (the fog). It's insane. I know everyone here understands that and has been there. I just can't believe people function like that-in total denial.
I think what's hardest is the burden of being strong and honorable through all this. I'm trying to model what a strong man is for my two little boys. Wife just keeps pushing and lying, etc. I know I don't trust anything she says, but some part of me keeps getting surprised when she escalates her inappropriate behaviors.
Ugh. Fire away, I'm all ears. Will be finding attorneys on Monday and making visits to them on Tuesday. I can deal with her being away from me and the boys. I can't deal with her trying to come and go, taking the boys to see the dbag in hopes that they will like him, etc.
Why not file for divorce. Hand her "the papers" and if she asks why tell her, "It takes alot more than sneakiness and being baited to get over being cheated on."
I haven't contact dbag's wife because I feel like I can always play that card down the line, and right now, I don't see how it would help. I'm trying to "drop the rope" and doing that seems like the opposite.
Another update: She is now making huge atm withdrawals from our joint account. She's stealing money! She made some unauthorized transfers from my business account to her private checking account also recently, slipped them right under my nose (note: she is a banker, and as such did all my banking for 14 years...)
I just transferred ALL of our joint account money into my private savings. I also did the same for my business account. So she cannot take any more money, Im pretty certain on that. Closing the business account on Monday and opening a new one.
I cannot believe this person is my wife. She's borderline criminal now. WOW. I know, to be expected with the "fog" and her nutso mindset, but this latest activity has caught me completely off guard.
My actions: I took care of the bank account situation. Also updated wife's family (they know the latest escapades. my wife has dropped contact with them because they are unhappy with her behaviors). I believe that they are an important ally in all this, because they are SO close as a family. My wife is in denial, and has stopped talking to them lately due to her shame. Tomorrow is my little guys bday, and they are going to call MY cell phone to wish him a happy bday, not my wife's. They said they want her to know that they know.
She had previously requested money from them, and they gave her some, but then they found out about her affair, and took the money back, telling her that they won't enable her terrible behaviors.
I'm exhausted. Any words to help are much appreciated. My hands are shaking I'm so mad and hurt by these events. I feel like I'm dealing with a crack addict.
Any words to help are much appreciated. My hands are shaking I'm so mad and hurt by these events. I feel like I'm dealing with a crack addict.
Norse
She is an addict. She's addicted to the affair.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Another update: She is now making huge atm withdrawals from our joint account. She's stealing money!
Sorry Doc, if it's in the joint account it's her money too.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
She made some unauthorized transfers from my business account to her private checking account also recently, slipped them right under my nose (note: she is a banker, and as such did all my banking for 14 years...)
Now that might be considered stealing...ask your attorney.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
Also updated wife's family (they know the latest escapades. my wife has dropped contact with them because they are unhappy with her behaviors). I believe that they are an important ally in all this, because they are SO close as a family. My wife is in denial, and has stopped talking to them lately due to her shame. Tomorrow is my little guys bday, and they are going to call MY cell phone to wish him a happy bday, not my wife's. They said they want her to know that they know.
Be very careful here. Do not expect them to take your side in this, no matter what they have said. Be friendly and kind, but do not share any details with them.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
I'm exhausted. Any words to help are much appreciated. My hands are shaking I'm so mad and hurt by these events. I feel like I'm dealing with a crack addict.
You're gonna make it doc. Tomorrow, find the best family law attorney you can and lay it all out for him/her. Try to avoid any unnecessary contact with your wife (kids' birthdays are necessary). Try not to be alone in a room with her...she has already proved herself capable of being underhanded.
Thanks Nut. I'm trying to breathe today. Really don't want to see her tonight at the bday party.
Re: her family, as of yesterday, they know everything. Its really hard-they have been like my family for 14 years, and my wife is now pushing them away, also. Her older sister was cheated on by her husband with her Maid of Honor-and they ended up getting married, so her sis understands the pain I'm going through.
I know that it is a careful line to tread. I just think that they (her family) are the only thing that matters to my wife, really. My wife doesn't have any best friends, and makes superficial friendships with men at best. The only constant is her family. And they are disgusted with her behaviors. So I figured they would be part of the "inner circle" of people to whom I exposed my wife's behaviors.
Maybe I'm wrong...I don't know. I'll be getting the attorney details taken care of this week. Today I just want peace and quiet. Tomorrow I want the same.
You'll do fine at the bday party. Remember, it's not about you or her. It's about your boy. Treat her like you would a casual acquaintance--be pleasant, but keep your distance. If she tries to engage you in anything beyond the scope of the party, remind her that this time is for your boy, not for her or you.
As for her family, it sounds like you are handling them well. There is no reason to be anything but friendly and kind to them. You just don't want to share any of your strategy. They could be manipulated, unintentionally even, to work against your best interests.
You mentioned moving your money to where she can't get at it. I hope that means that you've moved it out of her bank. As an employee who is sleeping with the boss, she might be able to access accounts that don't have her name on them.
Peace and quiet is the order of the day. You're taking care of business so there is no reason to have contact with her.
