Is this the end of my marriage?

[chatterbug]

Here's my question... because the answer currently eludes me and my mind refuses to unlock the knowledge today:

How does one combat/neutralize hatred? (In the WAS)

One accepts that they are grieving the loss of their relationship with that person. Their future and present and past with that person.

Gnu. Your a smart man. For you are a teacher as well as a student.
Start a list. Write down 5 things you loved about your wife, 5 things that defined your relationship that were good, 5 things your wife taught you and helped you grow, 5 things people around you liked about your wife and 5 things that you two did that brought you pleasure.

Then when that is done. Do the opposite.

And embrace the grief not your fear.

The five stages of grief are:

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

[chatterbug]

P.S. P

Thanks for inviting all of us over for some tea and biscuits.

I think it is time to bring out the bottle of single malt and a glass of red wine.

[P17]

P I'm kinda half following along... (sorry) One thing I can say is I'm impressed about how far you've come from day 1 here.

I'm impressed too. Pat on the back. I know I will slip and slide but it's all part of it I've now learned. When I get contact or hear about W, I will slide back the way, fall down, get up, brush myself back off and move on again.

Heaven help the next woman who get's involved with me

How does one combat/neutralize hatred? (In the WAS)

My only answer is time and selfless acts (or as selfless as they can be as there is no such thing). If you try and combat it, they will hate you more for it.

My IC told me that people who separate tend to only remember the good things and forget about the bad things. This is why many battered spouses return (he example not mine). That is time.

Selfless acts the WAS will hear about and it will hopefully erode the hatred. However, by doing the act to hope the WAS will hear about it negates it being selfless

That's my take on it anyway. I'm not a wise one.

@cutter, where the h*ll do you get this stuff from? If I didn't know any better I'd say you were a Buddhist?

Sometimes I think that maybe the WAS should come on here and read about the LBS. I think it would shake a lot of them up to see the strength emanating from a lot of these forums.

[P17]

P.S. P

Thanks for inviting all of us over for some tea and biscuits.

Hey. the more the merrier. Not so sure about the biscuits. Sure I could rustle up some shortbread with a highland piper on it somewhere (BTW. people in Scotland only wear kilts on special occasions).

I think it is time to bring out the bottle of single malt and a glass of red wine.

I have about a half dozen bottles of single malt here. However may favourite is Talisker (which is from the island my D is named after - it's a coincidence believe me :)). I'll get the red wine.

Bring a bottle of Talisker and you can stay as long as it takes to drink ....

[chatterbug]

The five stages of grief are:

was a cut and paste from a google hit

I thank everyone around me for their knowledge and their mistakes. I am learning so much now about myself and relationships.

This site has such an amazing group of people.

I did not lose my faith.

[Gnosis]

Gnu. Your a smart man. For you are a teacher as well as a student.

Thanks Cutter. I don't think of it as smart, more like experienced and willing to share it with others so they don't make similar mistakes.

I like the lists... BTDT from my side WRT to W. I see my question caused a bit of confusion, so let me rephrase it:

My only answer is time and selfless acts (or as selfless as they can be as there is no such thing). If you try and combat it, they will hate you more for it.

Maybe selfless acts... I really don't know. I must admit I'm stumped at the moment because I'm in the thick of it.

The missus is filled with hatred... Anger/hurt I can understand and deal with... its the hate I'm trying to figure out the best way to neutralize.

I've been leaning towards this:

My IC told me that people who separate tend to only remember the good things and forget about the bad things.

but if that route is chosen

Selfless acts the WAS will hear about and it will hopefully erode the hatred.

these will never be witnessed or heard of.

If I eject it will be to a location 1000's of miles away.

[P17]

The missus is filled with hatred... Anger/hurt I can understand and deal with... its the hate I'm trying to figure out the best way to neutralize.

I'm in two minds about this and I'd like somebody to clear it up.

If a W has anger or hatred towards you, she still cares. You can feel those kind of emotions for somebody you just don't care about or have apathy towards.

Maybe my thoughts are misplaced ... comments?

If I eject it will be to a location 1000's of miles away.

Can you 'perform' these acts with her family for example? Friends?

[chatterbug]

Ahh.

Well thats her choice. Not yours.

[Gnosis]

@P17, RE: hurt, anger and resentment - yep, I agree with and tell others the same.

The problem I see with hatred is anger on a double digit exponential level.

EDIT:

@cutterbug: Yup, but her problem has become mine...

[P17]

@P17, RE: hurt, anger and resentment - yep, I agree with and tell others the same.

The problem I see with hatred is anger on a double digit exponential level.

What is the anger about? Does it have a grain of truth or is just puke?