I haven’t posted much on here lately- I guess I’ve been feeling my way through this transition and I’m nowhere close to figuring it out. I don't feel all that courageous, classy or strong at the moment, like you all have been saying (and my family) (see above). I don't know what you're seeing.
My friend at work says we are the oddest separated couple that she knows in that there is NO fighting. H is still bending over backwards to help me out around the townhouse and getting me set up on my own, he invited me over for pizza with him and the kids on Friday night and for breakfast this morning. He asked if I was helping them set up the tree this year, and I said I would since Christmas with his family is at our house this year. He’s coming over later this week to help set my tree up and to fix my closet rod, but I’m tempted to just do the tree myself. Let me explain…
H stopped by this past Wednesday- he picked up a couple of things for me at the hardware store (this was totally on his own initiative- I hadn’t asked him for anything) He stayed maybe 15 minutes, looking around at the townhouse, seeing how I was decorating, etc… At one point he pulls me in for a hug which lasted a couple of minutes at least. I didn’t know if he was looking for something sexual or was just missing me, or what the deal was, but nothing else happened.
Last night he IM’d me. During the conversation I let him know that I know he modified his profile. He tells me I should set one up for myself- “No need to deny my sexuality”. Oh- and is my webcam on? Is BOB getting a workout? Where I am storing BOB? How’s the battery situation? He moans about never having gone this long without sex since we started dating 21 years ago. (Sorry H- no webcam show, you’re on your own…)
And today- he and I are decorating the Christmas tree. Halfway through, he pulls me onto his lap, strokes my back, neck and hair like he knows I love, kisses me, and this goes on way too long. We stop as we don’t want to risk D17 walking in- the poor kid is confused enough as it is. I know I should have pulled away as soon as he started, but it was so nice. But I won’t be just a booty call to him, he’s got to be ready to fully commit and look at his role in our M, and I can’t see how he’s ready to do that after being separated for only 2 weeks. I need to keep some distance from him- I’m a little nervous to be alone with him, not out of fear, but because that boundary got weakened and we both know it.
Easy answer- go dark, I know. I wish I knew if he was missing ME, and not just a sexual partner. I don’t trust what I see and hear from him. And I wish I knew why he was being so nice- is it guilt? Trying to soften me up for sex and keep me from asking for support? I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure all this out.
